Swedish Gangsta Rap: Exactly as you had pictured it.
He may not have been qualified for Governor, but he was certainly qualified for that talk show.
Let’s say you decided to start a trendy and chic meth habit. And let’s say that you had just spent the better part of three days working on that habit. And furthermore, let’s say that you were bored and decided you needed something to do. What would you do? Would you watch TV? Crank some tunes and dance around a lot? Vacuum the carpet obsessively for the next ten hours? If you said that you’d jump in a white minivan, do donuts by the side of a busy road outside my subdivision, pull out a four foot long fucking sword and swing it menacingly at me as I drove by, then haul ass down the street dragging the sword out the window while leaving behind a trail of sparks and a neighborhood full of scared kids, then congratulations! You’re the shitbag, asshole, waste of sperm tweaker I called the cops on last Saturday. Fuck you. Continue reading
Quick quiz! Are you:
If you answered yes to all three, then today is your lucky day:
We’ve all heard stories of corrupt police. Whether they’re trading in illicit narcotics or using Rodney King as their own personal piñata, these criminals bring shame upon their profession by mocking the very laws they are sworn to uphold. Plus, they’re never corrupt in my favor. I mean, sure, 110 mph in a school zone is excessive. But is it too much to ask that you take the three bucks I offered to look the other way? Assholes. Continue reading
Due to a string of unfortunate events this weekend, I wound up watching Bridesmaids with my wife last night. That was two hours and twelve minutes of unfunny that seemed to last at least ten times that long. Holy crap, did I not like that movie. Every time something interesting or funny threatened to happen, women wound up drinking coffee and discussing their emotions. Towards the end, I found myself hoping that earthbound NASA satellite would plunge through the roof and take my head clean off. Continue reading
Dear makers of Gatorade: Can you just go back to making Gatorade again? You know, the funky “lemon lime” flavor that tastes a little bit off like either the lemon or the lime had been fished out of a homeless guy’s pants? Yeah, that stuff. That is Gatorade. Not the orange stuff, not the red stuff, and certainly not that Windex blue shit. And not Gatorade Ice, or Gatorade Frost, or G!, or whatever the fuck you’ve taken to calling your product. Just make regular, lemon-lime Gatorade. Continue reading
No, not the Beatles in India. The Indian Beatles. (Although their lead singer looks like Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban.)
My favorite rock band of all time is Led Zeppelin. I could go into the reasons why, but the last time I did that I got so wound up that I was arrested for playing air guitar in the nude in front of my house. While intoxicated. And removing the label from my mattress without the express written consent of Major League Baseball. Again.
Anyway, as I’m a huge, slavering Led Zeppelin fan, I get alerts sent to me whenever there is some related breaking news. Yes, they broke up 31 years ago, but you never know what the future holds. I may wake up tomorrow to find that it’s 1975! (This has happened before.) And so it was while reading through the “breaking news” that consists of old people like me going on and on about how awesome Led Zeppelin was that I ran across the guy that legally changed his name to Led Zeppelin II. Continue reading