How much do you want to bet that this guy has been told by a judge that he can’t hug kids like that any more?
How much do you want to bet that this guy has been told by a judge that he can’t hug kids like that any more?
As I’m busy celebrating the holidays with my family, I’ve turned over today’s post to my cousin Charlie who has been going through a rough patch lately. He has assured me, however, that he has turned a corner and is trying to do something positive with his life. And even though it terrifies me as a human being, I am his cousin and I will stand behind him and his decision to dedicate his life… to kids? Oh, good God, this can’t end well. – Greg Continue reading
I stopped by one of those quickie oil change places for lunch today, one whose name rhymes with “Iffy Lube”. I generally don’t do that, preferring to change my own oil. I do this not because I’m one of those studly kind of guys that can, say, replace a starter. Far from it. I’m not even sure where the starter is or what it looks like, just that, oddly enough, it’s not the part of the car you use when you actually start your car. No, I change my own oil because it’s one of the few things I know how to do with a car besides drive it, change the tire, and get laid in the back of it. So I do it myself because it’ll save me a few bucks and I’m fairly unlikely to rip myself off. I’m talking about changing the oil, not the getting laid part. Continue reading
I’m going to cut right to the chase with this week’s installment of Weekly Hypothetical. I just don’t have the energy to ramble on about random shit for several paragraphs before diving into some asinine question about something mondo-bizarro like fecal transplants. Yes, you read that right: Fecal transplants. There is a medical procedure where someone donates shit, and you put it in your pooper. I am not lying. Continue reading
By now, those of you who celebrate Christmas will have breathed a sigh of relief, glad to have gone through the holiday, but happy to see it (and all the associated stress) safely in the past. I, on the other hand, have added to the long list of people I will slay with extreme prejudice just as soon as everybody wisens up and puts me in charge of running the fucking show on this planet. (And seriously, what is fucking taking you guys so long?) Continue reading
Too much to do, so no in depth depravity or 40 paragraph dick jokes. Instead… Whatever the fuck this is. It made me laugh my ass off. Full props to Youtube user spookyfbi8, who apparently has an obsession with Star Trek like most of us have an obsession with breathing.
This is the kind of shit that makes me feel that, hey, forest fires aren’t so bad after all! Especially if these retards are in the forest at the time.
If you’ve never read the excellent blog, A Beer For The Shower, the name alone is enough to tell you why I like it: Simply put, drinking before noon kicks ass. It puts a smile on your face, a wobble in your walk, and gives you the courage to face the day, to say nothing of the angry neighbors who will demand to know why you drop kicked their Yorkie down the block. Oh fuck, I just read the tag line to the blog, which reads, “After a long hard day, sometimes it’s just nice to step into the shower, sip a beer, and let the water wash away the shame and regret.” So that doesn’t make it sound like it’s about secret morning drinking at all. I am fucking disillusioned. Continue reading
I was at Toys R Us just now, and the strangest fucking thing happened. First of all, the place was PACKED. There were no unused carts in the store, and when you walked in and realized it, you had to turn around and go into the parking lot in search of one. So when you pulled up and started approaching the store, it looked like the fucking place was on fire: People streaming out of the building from both sets of doors, some with purchases, some without. And of course there were kids crying, which just added to the effect. And as I walked up to see what the problem was, I had a strange thrill. What if some guy had finally snapped in a Toys R Us and totally lost it? I mean, braining people with baseball bats and stabbing employees with Tinkertoys kind of losing it. Wow! And then I got in there and realized it was just a lack of carts, and I felt kind of bummed. Continue reading
Christmas used to be so easy at my house. My wife and I are always happy to get anything (or even nothing) on Christmas, and the kids used to be more interested in the wrapping paper than they were in the things the wrapping paper surrounded. This was awesome because we could use the opportunity to get the kids things they needed in addition to to things they wanted: They needed pajamas, they wanted to chew on packing peanuts, and a good time was had by all. Continue reading