Green is not a creative color.
No post tonight. I’m too depressed. I just realized that not only am I not funky, but that I’ll never be able to top that. *Sniff*
I spent some time today discussing hamburgers and other fast food abominations with a group of self-appointed experts in the field, when the topic of foreign McDonald’s menu items came up. I knew that the McDonald’s experience varied from country to country somewhat, and you could get a beer at McDonald’s in Germany, rice in Japan, or intestinal bleeding in Mexico, but I had no idea the wide range of oddball fucking products they have to offer. So come with me, if you will, on an educational, international, gastronomical journey that I like to call McWhatTheFuck? Continue reading
I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking that I’ve lost what few marbles I had to begin with. Well, let’s recount the facts here: First of all, my mail is missing. That much is true. In fact, my entire mailbox is missing. I woke up this morning to find my car parked where my mailbox used to be, keys in the ignition, floorboards littered with empty beer cans. For the life of me, I can’t remember when I went to bed last night, but I can’t imagine that it was later than 10:00, what with it being a weeknight and all. Since I woke up at noon, that means that anyone within twelve hours of Phoenix could have done this, but who? Ok, let’s get to work. It’s time to get all Sherlock Holmes on this motherfucker. Continue reading
What are doing here? It’s Friday! Shouldn’t you be out drinking shots of tequila from a stripper’s belly-button or something? Don’t tell me you’re… You’re at the office, aren’t you? I knew it! Why in the name of all that is holy are you at fucking work? Because of the money? The respect? The admiration? Well let me tell you something: The money’s not that great, the respect is of the begrudging variety, and you aren’t admired by coworkers for showing up, you’re admired for blowing off work and partying your ass off like you’re 23 again! Sigh. Continue reading
When I’m at work I need to concentrate very hard on what I’m doing. This is because I’m a computer programmer, and my job is to focus on complex problem-solving tasks because if I didn’t, I’d hear a coworker start blathering on about Battlestar Galactica or some such shit, and if that happened I’d roll my eyes until they rolled right out of my fucking head. So I need to focus. And because I do, I rarely listen to music while working. It’s distracting, especially if I am listening to Led Zeppelin because once that happens, then I run the very real risk of Rocking The Fuck Out and attracting all the hot bitches to my cube. And then no one gets anything done. Not me, not the hot bitches, and not the drooling IT types outside my cube that couldn’t catch crabs in a whorehouse. Continue reading
Charlie Brown is high out of his mind on peyote. Seriously, peyote gives people spiritual visions, and here’s this bald kid, mired in crippling depression, spending an entire evening in a fucking pumpkin patch awaiting the arrival of the Great Pumpkin. That’s the kind of behavior that, if you and I had tried it when we were eight, would have resulted in a talk about Just Saying No, and if that failed, extensive electroshock therapy. Not fucking normal. Continue reading
Kevin, from Always Home and Uncool, asked me to do a guest post for DadCentric recently, and I agreed, slapping together the usual collection of dick jokes, treasonous statements, and death threats to local weathermen. Having sent that on its way, I began to wander around the internet looking for
filthy hardcore action involving barely legal teens something to inspire me to write a post for my own site. Instead, I found something rather unexpected. Continue reading
You know what I learned today? I learned that even when women turn 63, they are still frequent targets of deviants, perverts, weirdos, and other sick and filthy degenerates. I base this on an article I read that made me so angry that I almost peed my pants with laughter. The article is entitled, “Parboiled Squid Inseminate’s Woman’s Mouth“. It seems a 63 year old Korean woman sat down with a nice, fresh dish of squid when all of a sudden, she felt the presence of “small, squirming organisms” in her mouth. While this may be par for the course in an evening involving tequila shooters and heavy petting, it’s not the kind of thing that you expect when dining at Red Lobster (or wherever the hell she was). So she sought medical attention and was informed that she had (hold on to your hats, here, kids) bitten into the squid’s sperm bag which had not been adequately cooked. (I’ll be honest with you here: If someone had told me that I would use the words “sperm bag” on this site, I would’ve bet every last cent that it would have been in reference to Paris Hilton. Go figure.) Continue reading
It’s fashionable to question the veracity of news that appears in the mainstream media for no other reason than it is the mainstream media that presents it. This, of course, gets the mainstream media’s panties in a wad. “We are professional!” they’ll proclaim. “We have fact checkers, editors, producers, ombudsmen, and many other people whose job it is to make sure that you are properly informed, whereas bloggers have no oversight, no experience, and no accountability.” And to a certain extent they’re right. Then they pull shit like this, and blow themselves out of the (six inches of) water. Classic.