I might, just because this is probably the most honest car dealership ad I’ve ever seen in my life.
I might, just because this is probably the most honest car dealership ad I’ve ever seen in my life.
It’s Wednesday night, and I don’t feel like doing shit. This is bad news for my family if the house happens to catch on fire, but good news for you, the reader, because it means I’ll post wacky videos instead of telling you at great length how drunk I used to get in college (very). So without further ado, I give you this crazy bitch:
I’ll be honest with you, I was totally unaware that dick will make you slap somebody. I’ve had a dick my entire life, and I’ve only been slapped once. (I was in a bar and reacted to a Def Leppard song being played by yelling “Def Lefty!”, pulling my left arm out of its shirt sleeve and pretending to play the drums. A girl at the next table jumped up, slapped me, and informed me that her brother had only one arm. I bet that shit never happens to Def Leppard’s drummer.) Continue reading
A while back, I made a strong case for being named the Secretary of Transportation and fuck the current guy, Ray LaHood. That guy probably ass-fucks coma patients for a hobby. Ha ha! I’m just kidding! Of course a person such as Ray LaHood doesn’t fuck coma patients! He’s the head of an important department, a member of the President’s Cabinet, and hob-nobs with Department of Justice people, all of whom could probably arrange to have me set a record for longest prison sentence handed out for committing an act of libel. Ray LaHood is a saint and I’m sure that whatever ass-fucking he does is entirely within legal limits. Continue reading
I rented a safe deposit bank at the bank today, and if there’s a legal way to feel like more of a total badass, I haven’t heard about it. I felt like I was dropping off money to pay for a contract hit, and I think we can all agree that being involved in a contract hit in any fashion is fucking awesome. (Ok, fine, it’s not that fun to be on the receiving end of one, even if it would be nice to know that you meant so much to someone that they tried to have you offed.) Continue reading
Let’s talk about guns. Firearm ownership is, I know, a very polarizing subject. There are many among us who wish that guns were banned outright. Others believe that gun ownership is central to our identity as Americans and still serves as protection against an increasingly overbearing government. Then there are people who just want to marry a bitch and shoot themselves some goddamn guns. Continue reading
Notorious cut-up and Official Dogs On Drugs Hall of Fame Commenter B’Homey brought the following video to my attention the other day, and I can honestly say that my life was woefully incomplete until I saw this.
The best part about this video is imagining the totally coked up person who wrote the script explain his idea to an actual human being: Continue reading
I watched Starship Troopers again the other day. Most people I know who have seen that movie think it’s stupid, and cheesy, and not worth seeing once, let alone multiple times. But if you’ve read Heinlein’s 1959 novel of the same name, it stays shockingly close to the original spirit, which was as much a political essay as it was a novel. Heinlein’s meritocratic democracy stands in stark contrast to our own system of government which, in the novel, ultimately collapses because “people had been led to believe that they could simply vote for whatever they wanted… and get it, without toil, without sweat, without tears.” Also, the movie has a shower scene in it, and you get to see some tits. Continue reading
I’ve seen a lot of stupid things in my day (and I’ve been to Indiana, so that’s saying a lot). But this takes the cake:
Right about now, you’re probably getting ready to shoot yourself in the head on the grounds that you just lost 80 IQ points from watching that, and life is better off ending than being spent in a home for people who drool and rub shit in their hair. No one would fault you, that’s for sure, but before you check out, let me tell you the part of this video that haunts me.
I was driving in rush hour traffic this morning when I thought to myself, “This is fucking bullshit.” This, of course, is far from an original thought. We all hate traffic. If you know anyone who says to his friends, “Hey, it’s almost five o’clock! Let’s see if we can get caught in a traffic jam on the 101!” that person is fucking crazy and you are legally allowed to administer powerful psychotropic drugs to him, even if you need a funnel and a fire hose to do so. Traffic gargles donkey-balls.
Last Tuesday, at 6:15 in the morning, my six year old woke me up with this statement: “Hi Dad! Oh, by the way, I forgot to tell you… I accidentally dropped an eraser in my ear yesterday. And… It’s still there.” I hesitate to say that there is a good time of day to hear this kind of thing, but I can tell you with some confidence that 6:15 AM is not a good time to hear it, even if your son does take the trouble to tell you the news in a faux-casual tone. A quick trip to the bathroom revealed that, yes, there was an eraser in his ear, and yes, I would need to take him to Urgent Care to get it removed. Continue reading