Wait, where are the sound effects? This isn’t kung fu! (Also, from the looks of it, that guy had problems with his crank to begin with.)
(Safe-ish for work if you wear headphones and keep it on the down low.)
Wait, where are the sound effects? This isn’t kung fu! (Also, from the looks of it, that guy had problems with his crank to begin with.)
(Safe-ish for work if you wear headphones and keep it on the down low.)
I was driving home today when it struck me that the cars we drive these days are fucking lame. Not mine, of course. I drive a Jeep Wrangler, which is macho, and studly, and boy don’t I look like a motherfucking wildman with two child seats in the back of mine? But most of the other cars on the road suck in my eyes. This is because I was alive during the 70’s, which although it brought us terrible things such as leisure suits, disco, and Kenny Loggins (ahem), it also brought us great things such as Led Zeppelin, the original Saturday Night Live, and muscle cars. Continue reading
For a guy who used to party as heartily as I did, I’ve spent a surprisingly small amount of time in a courtroom. This is a good thing. Judges are notoriously intolerant of the type of things that I used to engage in as a matter of policy. I’m willing to place bets that you’ll never find the phrase, “The court will let the defendant finish his whippet before testifying” in the court record of any case, ever. So I do my best to stay out of trouble, and have been very successful in this regard with the exception of a license plate violation and the time I got evicted from the Mother of all Party Houses when I was in college. Continue reading
I’m sick as shit, and have been for four days now. So instead of dick jokes and thinly veiled death threats against local weathermen, I bring you this guy, brought to you by waaaaay too much Red Bull:
For those of you who read this site on a regular basis (and have still managed to maintain basic brain functionality), you may recognize the star of the following video clip. It’s Akbar Khan! He is the ace, and everyone else is just an ugly joker. (See that link that reads, “Read More”? Click it to see Akbar kick some motherfucking ass). Continue reading
At work today, I got into a discussion with a coworker about a hypothetical situation: If scientists discovered a neutron star headed towards our solar system, guaranteeing Earth’s destruction in 100 years, could mankind survive by building a ship and sending a colony of people to a habitable planet orbiting a nearby star? Yeah, we could have been doing our jobs, but that’s boring. This question is interesting, much more so than performing open heart surgery. Continue reading
The other day I asked my six year old what he wanted to be when he grew up. Parents love asking their kids this question because kids are fucking morons and when you ask them this question, they’ll invariably say something stupid like “I want to be Darth Vader!” and then you don’t feel so bad about your job which may be demeaning and doesn’t pay you nearly enough, but at least your boss doesn’t choke you from across the room. “I want to be the guy that sells hot dogs at baseball games,” answered my son. See what I mean? Continue reading
Is there anything worse than having a bad back? Of course there is. A rabid doberman could latch onto your junk, the Yeti could kidnap you and drag you back to his ice cave to become his concubine, or you could be stuck in a room with nothing but a TV permanently tuned to the CW. But having a bad back sucks ass in a major way. It’s been three days since I fucked my back up, and I’m still in assloads of pain. The only break I get is when the pain downgrades itself from blinding to severe for a few minutes, and even that doesn’t happen tall that often. Am I being a big baby? Fuck yes, I am. But if I don’t whine about my misery, who will? Continue reading
Those of you who read my post yesterday know that this New Year I will have to play a rousing game of Find A Metal Ball In A Pile Of Shit. Yes, my six year old swallowed a metal ball, and to make sure that it passes harmlessly I need to gather, inspect, and more than likely perform a home biopsy on his excrement. Worse yet, Child Protective Services informs me that arranging to put your child up for adoption after the 24th trimester is highly unorthodox and not likely to succeed. I have resigned myself to my fate. Continue reading
I had planned to use the first post of the new year to crown a winner of the Dick Loggins Contest in which one lucky reader would be rewarded for illustrating a penis dressed up as Kenny Loggins with something from the Official Dogs On Drugs Giant Bookcase of Crazy Shit, but that plan was thwarted by my six year old who took it upon himself to ring in the new year by swallowing a ball bearing. (If you’re new to this site and find yourself wondering about that contest, yes, it is a real contest, and no, I haven’t taken my meds in quite a while.) Continue reading