We’ve all heard stories of corrupt police. Whether they’re trading in illicit narcotics or using Rodney King as their own personal piñata, these criminals bring shame upon their profession by mocking the very laws they are sworn to uphold. Plus, they’re never corrupt in my favor. I mean, sure, 110 mph in a school zone is excessive. But is it too much to ask that you take the three bucks I offered to look the other way? Assholes.
But it can be surprisingly hard to detect corrupt officers, which is where Dogs On Drugs comes in. Due to our propensity to stalk certain members of the original Brady Bunch cast (honestly, Marcia, you are being a fucking baby!) we have plenty of experience with the men and women in blue. What follows is a list of signs that indicate that your local police force may, in fact, be corrupt.
- Instead of asking for your license and registration when they pull you over, they ask you, “Wanna buy some weed?”
- The police cars have air shocks. undercarriage lights, and flaming skull decals
- They sell actual Get Out of Jail Free cards
- Their Breath-a-lyzer looks suspiciously like a penis
- They can be seen giving wedgies to the guys in Internal Affairs
- They employ Charlie Sheen as an officer
- The police chief’s office is in an actual cell
- They gave those guys that robbed the bank a 5 minute timeout to think about what they did
- When you call 911 to report a home invasion in progress, they ask you, “How badly do you want us to come out there?”
- They take weekends off
- They take your 16 year old daughter “downtown for questioning” an awful lot
- Official uniform includes a pimp hat, fur stole, gold cane, and diamond studded goblet
- They install security cameras in high crime areas such as the high school girl’s locker room and the changing room at Macy’s
- They haze rookie cops by making them rob a liquor store