I was at Toys R Us just now, and the strangest fucking thing happened. First of all, the place was PACKED. There were no unused carts in the store, and when you walked in and realized it, you had to turn around and go into the parking lot in search of one. So when you pulled up and started approaching the store, it looked like the fucking place was on fire: People streaming out of the building from both sets of doors, some with purchases, some without. And of course there were kids crying, which just added to the effect. And as I walked up to see what the problem was, I had a strange thrill. What if some guy had finally snapped in a Toys R Us and totally lost it? I mean, braining people with baseball bats and stabbing employees with Tinkertoys kind of losing it. Wow! And then I got in there and realized it was just a lack of carts, and I felt kind of bummed.
I’m not a mean guy, and I don’t enjoy seeing people suffer or get hurt. I think I was just looking forward to a national crisis where we as a nation were forced to confront our extravagant gift giving habits, much like how Columbine forced us to rethink allowing children to stockpile weapons. It’s a stupid kind of hand-wringing unique to America, I think. We fret, and place blame, and pass some stupid laws that make it double extra-illegal to break the law, and after a whole lot of idiotic behavior, everything goes back to the way it was. Meanwhile, other countries just go, “What an asshole” and get on with their lives. But it’s fun to watch people making fools out of themselves on the news for weeks afterwards.
It usually starts with some blowhard politician trying to milk the fuck out of the situation. “I strongly believe that people should not castrate other people with Erector sets in toy stores! And so I am introducing the Hooray for Baby Jesus Act, which makes possession of objects illegal within a 4,000 mile zone of a toy store!” And everyone claps to get him the fuck out of there because they just showed up to see a high school basketball game and found this dickhead behind a lectern, and everyone knows that as soon as he leaves he will sneak in a rider to the bill allowing sales of machine guns to the retarded and then take a lobbyist’s money from the all powerful Erector set lobbyist group before retiring to his mansion to have sex with underage girls. Because that’s how the system works in the USA.
By the time the media has finished whipping everyone into a frenzy the Patriot Act has been amended to allow for the immediate incarceration of toddlers because studies show they have the most toys. Clearly they are a threat to our national security, so off to a special day care in Gitmo for those fuckers. The United States as a whole reacts to things like dogs do to fireworks and thunder: They freak the fuck out with no regard for whether or not they should be freaking out, and whether or not running on to the fucking highway is such a hot idea. And it’s all totally entertaining to watch on the news. Unless you’re sober, and then it’s terrifying and has you looking into immigrating to Antarctica.
Speaking of foreign lands, our hypothetical question of the week comes from Grumpy Beerman who clearly needs some sort of psychological help because the words “grumpy” and “beer” cannot be used together unless the word “no” is sandwiched in between. We all know that. His question:
I would like to know which political leader (living or dead) and cartoon character you would choose as two of your cell mates if you were thrown into a Turkish prison. I know you wanted a hypothetical question, so that’s why I added the bit about your cell mates. Because we all know you will end up in a Turkish prison one of these days!
Very funny, Beerman. I will have you know that the current Vegas odds on where I wind up show that there are two places more likely than a Turkish prison:
- Mental health facility (inpatient, involuntarily committed): 5-2
- A bordello, house of ill repute, or den of iniquity: 10-1
- Turkish prison: 13-1
- Headmaster of an exclusive New England boarding school for girls: 20-1
Yeah, I don’t get the last one either, but I really wish the people at the Stoneleigh-Burnham School would STOP CALLING! Jesus, don’t you people perform background checks?
On to your question, which is extremely simple: For a cartoon character I would select Jessica Rabbit, and for a political leader, I’d choose the Italian Minister for Equal Opportunity Mara Rosaria Carfagna. The reason for this is simple: With cellmates like that, absolutely no one would pay attention to me which is good because my ass has a strict exit-only policy.
I realize that this may not paint me in a very chivalrous light, of course, but think about it: No one would fuck Jessica Rabbit. She’s a cartoon character. Ever see how Roger Rabbit reacts when he’s given a shot of booze?
Imagine what would happen when he climaxed! Any gal unlucky enough to be on the receiving end of that would be shot across the room, out the window, and plunge 25 stories to her death. Now imagine someone trying to violate Jessica Rabbit. A simple clench, and you’ve got a rapist who could now attend that boarding school I referred to earlier. One other thing of note: Cheating on your spouse with a toon would be stupid because there is no excuse for coming home with ink all over your junk.
As for our Italian Minister, she would be safe as well, no doubt due to her powerful connections in the Italian
Mafia Government. We would be sequestered in a private cell where…
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…until we ran out of honey, thumbtacks, and vice-grips.
Whew! Well, there you go, Grumpy. Now you know who I will take to Turkish prison with me, as well as why I won’t be seeing any visitors. Thank you for your question.