The Week In Review

My five year old son has this idea in his head that you die when you turn 100. “Daddy? I don’t want to turn 100,” he’ll tell me, his voice quivering with fear. “What? Why not?” “Because when you’re 100 you die, and I don’t want to die!” And so I have to rush to console him, by which I mean lie my ass off. What am I supposed to say? “Shit, most everyone dies before they turn 100! I knew a kid who died when we were in third grade!” I can’t say that, it’d melt his little brain with fear and take away from his valuable house-destroying time.

There are a lot of things that you have to lie to your kids about. Before I had kids, I used to think that I’d never do that. “I think the best course of action is always to be honest!” I’d say this because I believed it, and also, I was a complete fucking moron. If you are not a parent, let me tell you this: You know fuck-all about what you should or shouldn’t do with your future kids. Anyone who says shit like “always be honest with your kids” is an imbecile. Honesty? My son is also very interested in college and will ask me quite often what it is like. You are as high as I was in college if you think I’m going to answer that question honestly to a five year old.

So, sure, you lie about some pretty big things when you have kids. You do it because it’s your job as a parent to shelter your kids from the harsh realities of life until they are ready. But there are an awful lot of little things you’ll lie about as a parent too. Before my two boys could read, I’d go to change the channel for them and they’d immediately ask, “Is SpongeBob on?” I have had nothing but fucking SpongeBob on TV for the last ten years, so I’d use my kids’ illiteracy to my advantage. “Ohhh, no! Sorry, guys, SpongeBob isn’t on!” And of course, right there on the guide, it clearly shows that not only is there a SpongeBob marathon on two channels, but the SpongeBob SquarePants movie is on a third channel. “Too bad, guys!”

Hey, let's watch some Cinemax!

Hey, let's watch some Cinemax!

If you’re a parent, I’m sure you’re familiar with this one: You’re reading a bedtime story, and after the first three pages you realize that there are a hell of a lot more words in this book than you realized. It’s like the War and Peace of children’s books. You could read the whole thing and your kid would get to bed around 9:00, or you can get a little creative with the page turning and go have a dozen drinks.

“One day, Thomas the Tank Engine awoke to the howling of a great wind. ‘Bust my buffers!’ Thomas said, ‘It looks like a storm is coming!'” (subtly turn forty-eight pages) “…and Thomas and Percy agreed to never argue again. The End.” This, incidentally, is how all books about Thomas the Tank Engine should be read, because that little blue asshole is fucking annoying. Bust my buffers? You know who says that? English pedophiles, that’s who.

Anyway, once you start noticing that you tell little lies to your kids to make everyone’s life a little easier, you notice that you do it a lot. “No, we can’t go to Chuck E. Cheese for dinner because… They’re closed! Yeah, they had a rodent problem and needed to put some large rat traps out. I have a feeling we won’t be seeing Chuck E. Cheese for a while.” You don’t lie to be a prick or because you’ve got some sort of psychological quirk. You do it because, at a certain age your kids turn into tantrum machines, and it’s just a whole lot fucking easier if you tell them that Disneyland exploded instead of the real reason, which is that you don’t feel like dropping seven thousand dollars on stuffed animals right this minute.

Then there are the lies you tell not because your kids aren’t ready or able to handle the answer, but rather because you aren’t ready. “Daddy, where do babies come from?” “Sears. Go get daddy a beer.”

Thanks, son! Now never ask daddy a question ever again.

Thanks, son! Now never ask daddy a question ever again.

On to the week you missed because you were trying to explain to your kids that mommy and daddy were playing naked leap-frog:

Wow, I just reread what I’d written and noticed I need to go clean up quite a few f-bombs before my sponsors start complaining. I’m not going to be very thorough, however, because I have no sponsors. Just a huge stack of unpaid bills which won’t be paid by this ad. It’s Involuntary Advertising:

The Poll of the Moment has just closed, and there is near-rioting in the streets because it was another close one:

[poll id=”12″]

As you can see, we have determined that the reason Smurfs are blue is because they are commonly used as the butt-plug of choice by Blue Man Group. The margin of error on this poll is absolutely zero. We have proven it to be true, and Blue Man Group must pay for their horrific crimes.

He said what? With SMURFS!?!

He said what? With SMURFS!?!

Another day, another lawsuit from the Blue Man Group. Enjoy your week, everyone.