I’ve been on a Journey kick for the last few days, not because I particularly like their music, but because I’m a huge, slobbering fan of their videos. And I do mean slobbering, because watching Journey videos has been shown to cause massive, traumatic, brain damage, the kind where you find yourself rubbing shit in your hair and voluntarily watching C-SPAN. It’s that bad.
What started this Journey binge for me was a post over on Simian Idiot, in which noted reproductive specialist Reverend Back It On Up 13 espoused the virtues of using Journey as a form of contraception (an idea I’m still waiting for our presidential candidates to form a position on, incidentally). In the comments section of the post, I linked to a notoriously terrible Journey video, which made everyone laugh until they crapped their pants. Then, over the course of the next twelve hours, there was a rash of suicides. One person flung themselves under a subway train while singing Don’t Stop Believing.
It was then that I realized that Journey could not only prevent future population growth, but could, in fact, be a vital tool in solving our current overpopulation problems. And so, in the interest of getting myself a little fucking elbow room, here is a primer on terrible Journey music videos.
The video: Separate Ways (Worlds Apart)
The concept: “Hey, let’s huff paint thinner and go hang out by the docks!”
Notable moments: The entire concept of playing invisible instruments permeates the video, as does playing keyboards nailed to walls, and a slow walking woman who cannot, for the life of her, get away from fucking Journey.
Other things of note: Steve Perry has vampire teeth; Their bass player looks like he was recruited straight from the Village People; I once tweeted Journey’s official account and asked them, “Who was responsible for this video, and how many times did you shoot him in the head?” They never answered.
The video: Chain Reaction
The concept: “Hey, let’s huff paint thinner, go to a diner and holler at a mannequin!”
Notable moments: Starting at the 2:10 mark, aliens take over Steve Perry’s limbs and cause him to thrash around the diner in a spasm of what a Journey spokesman later referred to as “dancing”.
Other things of note: The brief clip of Neal Schon about to score with a mannequin was not scripted. It was taken from security camera footage the night after the shoot. Schon denied any wrongdoing, but was later checked into a local hospital for “splinter-dick”.
The video: Faithfully
The concept: Journey showing everyone how emotionally difficult it is to go on tour. They do not, however, show band members going to sleep at night on a giant pile of naked teens and money.
Notable moments: At the 1:48 mark, Neal Schon laughs as the drummer mistakes a couch for his drum kit. What a bunch of wacky guys! Also, at the 2:07 mark Steve Perry has a difficult decision to make: Does he shave off the world’s stupidest mustache or, more in keeping with his general look, keep it? You can see the agony and indecision in his beady little rat-eyes.
Other things of note: One of the most touching lyrics is the line, “They say that the road ain’t no place to start a family”. This is true. Their original keyboard player was struck by a bus while trying to start a family in the middle of interstate 280.
The video: Lovin’, Touchin’, Squeezin’ (Live)
The concept: Journey accidentally drinks some gasoline while in the wardrobe department, then puts on an impromptu concert.
Notable moments: Fifteen seconds in, you get your first glimpse of a pre-op Steve Perry singing into a large vibrator. At the 2:48 mark, you get a good look at Neal Schon and the buffalo that is devouring his head.
Other things of note: Why do singers feel the need to make hand motions to illustrate the words they’re singing? Are there a lot of deaf people attending their shows? Check out the moment at 2:09 when Steve Perry decides to show the chick in the front row that he’s been eye-banging all night what touching looks like.
There you have it, a small primer of Journey videos. If you haven’t sought help yet, here’s added incentive. From Wikipedia:
[In 2009] Steve Perry rekindled a childhood love for cattle and dairy farming, including an interest in small bovine insemination.