A couple of weeks ago, I posted an excellent example of horrible, horrible porn acting. I was thinking about that today, when it dawned on me that the concept of excellent porn acting would be even funnier. I mean, everyone knows that the only two skills someone needs to be in porn are a pleasing physical appearance and a willingness to do foul, depraved shit that would make a monkey blush. IQ does you no fucking good when you’re getting reamed out by three guys, and if you start quoting Hamlet’s soliloquy while you’re defiling that barely legal teen, you’ll find yourself in the unemployment line with left-handed shortstops, philosophy majors, and other people with no marketable skills.
But the idea that someone would take the acting portion of an adult film role seriously is pretty funny. I picture a long-time industry veteran director bumping heads with the actor.
Director: Ok, uhhh, Rock Harder, you’re up next. You and Sally Cummings are doing the waterbed scene.
Rock: Ok, can you set the scene for me?
Rock: You know, set the scene. I haven’t seen the script.
Director: You walk over to the waterbed and fuck her.
Rock: Well yes, of course. But what’s my motivation?
Director: Your motivation?
Rock: Yes, why am I in this scene? What do I hope to accomplish?
Director: Your motivation is you want to get laid.
Rock: But why?
Director: Look, are you being some kind of asshole? You want to get laid because you’ve got a dick, and that’s what guys like to do: Fuck broads.
Director: And?!? What the fuck? Come here, right over here. Look at her. She is nineteen, doesn’t have a stitch of clothing on, and she’s spread-eagle on the waterbed waiting for you. LOOK AT HER, DAMMIT!
Rock: Well what?
Director: Doesn’t that make you feel like doing anything?
Rock: Well it would, except that I haven’t been given ample time to prepare! I’m a method actor, you see…
Director: Oh, for the love of… You’re worse than fucking Screech, you know that? You are fired.
(That last link, incidentally, is safe for work, but will destroy your soul.)
I’m not even sure that excellent acting is something that we’d want in porn. If there was ever a critically acclaimed porn acting performance, Hollywood, notoriously bereft of ideas, would latch onto it in an instant and just like that you’d find yourself in the theater watching Tom Hanks make sweet, sweet love to Wilson. No fucking thank you.
As the sex became more and more acceptable, mainstream drama would become more and more adult in nature (the Disney channel would remain exactly the same, however, as it is already basically tweener soft-core porn, with Miley Cyrus doing the occasional reverse cowgirl). And as exposure to sex became more common, people would lose a little bit of interest in seeing it, until the day finally arose where a non-porn laden channel would start getting big ratings, everyone would bail on the graphic sex, and the adult film industry would die a quiet death.
And that is why an adult film director who knows what he is doing will watch a scene such as this and say, “Perfect! That’s a wrap!” He’s trying to save the porn industry.
(This is a YouTube clip, so no nudity. But it is on the borderline as far as being appropriate for work. Also, YOU NEED HEADPHONES!)
(Same for this one.)