The Week In Review
My wife and I took our kids to some shitty pumpkin patch today. It’s in the middle of a major metropolitan area, and it is billed as a “farm”, although from what I could tell the only thing that it farms is money: Admission for adults is $3.00. Kids will run you $10.00. This is a pricing strategy known in the business as price-gouging bullshit. Here’s what you got for your admission: A hay-ride (a tractor pulling a trailer), a small pumpkin (kids only), access to a bouncy castle (again, kids only, which is a bunch of crap), and for a dollar you could buy a bag of carrots which you could then feed to goats. “Why are we paying to feed their animals?” my wife asked. The answer, of course, is that we’re parents.
Having children will cause you to do all kinds of wacky shit that you would never in a million years do before or after you had kids in the house. If someone tried to get me to pay to feed their animals when I was in my twenties, I would’ve soaked their lawn in gas and burned the words “Fuck you!” in twenty foot letters. But now that I have kids, I’ll wait in line for three fucking hours so I can get a picture of my kids crying on a mall Santa’s lap. I’ll willingly pay assloads of money to see Disney Princesses on Ice, then pay even more money to buy my daughter a toy princess that spins around and is the perfect toy to buy a child if you’re looking for a toy that will rip half of the hair off of their head (which is exactly what happened later that evening).
Entire industries are built upon the child-induced insanity that hits parents. For instance, you can book a reservation on a Disney cruise line, which combines all the whimsy of giant anthropomorphic rodents with the novelty of a Norovirus outbreak. Cruise ships, incidentally, can cost over a billion dollars to construct. Disney will make that money back in a fucking week because parents would rather spend themselves into the poorhouse than listen to their kids cry about Mickey Mouse for months on end.
So we shuffled through the dirt on this “farm” so we could get pumpkins (which were in fact grown somewhere else and shipped to this dirt lot for resale) because our kids would have lost their goddamn minds if we didn’t. And when we recounted the best parts of our day with the kids before they went to bed, we all agreed that the pumpkin patch was the highlight of our day. Parents are nuts.
On to what you missed the last couple of weeks while you were wondering if they have a Disney Arctic Cruise (yep):
- Two Tuesdays ago, we discovered that 24 cups of coffee in under an hour may not be fatal, but it leads to other undesirable outcomes, such as authoring this blog for example.
- The day after that, God help me, I watched an episode of Alice.
- A couple of Fridays ago, we learned that poker causes STD’s.
- Last Tuesday, Officer Buttons shouted “Stop, in the name of the law!” and we all agreed it was adorable.
- And last Wednesday I was ordained. Rock and fucking roll!
On to our poll of the moment, which asked you, the literate reader, which band or person was the lamest of them all…
As we can see, Kenny Loggins took the crown, which should come as no surprise to long time readers. What I did find surprising was the fact that Def Leppard got no votes. The vote that was attributed to Def Leppard was made by me from my cell phone because I could not in good conscience leave them in there with no votes. Seriously:
There should be some kind of law against that.
The sun comes up on a beautiful new day, unless you’re in the path of Hurricane Sandy, and then you’re fucked. But try to enjoy it anyway.