Do you know anyone with a birthday or other special event coming up? A family member, a friend, or maybe a coworker? And are you looking for a gift that says, “This is the very least I could do, short of getting you nothing at all and celebrating your special day by ignoring it completely?” Well if so, then this is your lucky fucking day, because now you can buy this asshole the Potty Putter. Yes, the Potty Putter, brought to you by a couple of mental defectives who think that human beings are so stupid that they will fork over money to play golf while pinching a loaf.

Now before you furiously masturbate until you achieve full release, wait! There’s more! If you act now, not only will bankers close your account in disgust when they see how you waste your money, but you’ll also get a flyer in the mail for the UroClub. It’s perfect for those of you who have always dreamed of putting your cock in a 9-iron:

“The UroClub comes with a towel and appears that you are just checking out your club…” No, it looks like you’re teabagging a sand wedge. But let’s not get caught up in the details, ok? After all, you’re the sick fuck who, thanks to the Potty Putter, can’t sink a two foot putt without crapping yourself. Are you going to even hesitate to put your junk in a golf club? No. No you’re not.

In fact, we’re so sure that we’ve thoroughly trained you as a gullible consumer that we’re going to offer you a 100%, money-back-guarantee that you will have multiple orgasms over this stupid piece of shit, the PooTrap!

Yes, the PooTrap! Perfect for Boxers, Golden Retrievers, mixed breeds, even your mother-in-law who deserves nothing more than to spend the rest of her days walking around in public with a cloth bag covering her bunghole, that bitch. And if she’s also fatter than a Suburu full of sumo wrestlers, you can give her Comfort Wipe to clean up!

“It’s embarrassing to have someone help you with your personal matters.” You said it, Granny! And if you use our next product, there won’t be anyone willing to come within 20 nautical miles of you anyway!

Look, just buy some shit, goddammit.