You ever have one of those days when you realize that pretty much every aspect of your life has really good parts balanced against really shitty parts? That’s how I felt today. I was like Woody Allen on Ecstasy: I didn’t know how to feel. And for whatever reason, I couldn’t stop thinking about that and totally blew off thinking about what to write about for this very post. (Long time readers know that this means that there will be a monumentally fucked up/bizarro video following shortly, and they are right.)
And then I was putting gas in my Jeep when I realized that the gas pump itself was playing a Peter Cetera song. Look, it’s bad enough that I have to take out a mortgage to afford the gas it takes to drive for more than a day. Do you have to torture me while I’m putting it in the fucking tank? That shit’s really unnecessary.
So I drove home, and even though I had planned on dreaming up something to write about (something about stalking Lynda Carter was all I could come up with), I kept thinking back to the gas pump.
Big Oil Tycoon: First we made Americans hopelessly addicted to gasoline, then we jacked up the price as much as we can without forcing people to drive less or switch to electric vehicles. What now?
Exxon CEO: We could force them to listen to Peter Cetera while they’re pumping gas…
Big Oil Tycoon: You magnificent bastard! I’ll order my minions to get right on that. Now let’s go to Taiwan and bang some pre-pubescent girls!
Exxon CEO: Sounds good! We can leave right after I release all these fluorocarbons for no good reason.
Big Oil Tycoon: I once killed a hobo on a dare. I was 12.
And so I got nothing. Lynda, you’ll have to wait. In the meantime, chew on this weirdness…
I could have done without her Basic Instinct turnaround there.
I thought the moped thrusting was way more disturbing.
If it’s inexplicable and a little scary, you’ll find it here.
I’m like a one stop shop for nightmare fuel.
Too bad no video exists of me Hasselhoffing a Lean Cuisine that one night. It would be perfect for here.
Yeah… That’s… Too bad! (puts VHS tape behind back)
That would have been so much better with the addition of a goat.
Few things in life can’t be improved by goat videos.
I want to take that goat to work with me.
Trailer for a new John Waters flick?
That would be about the only thing that would make sense.