I have some of my best ideas in the shower, ideas such as, “Hey, I bet if I inject some adrenaline into this hooker’s heart, I won’t have to go out to buy another bag of lime!” and “I’m on my 14th beer. I better call in sick to work.” Something about the combination of water and soap seems to energize my mind, although to be fair it could also have something to do with the 14 beers.

It was while in the shower the other day that I noticed something odd…

From: Greg
Subject: A Query
Date: October 20th, 5:53 PM
To: Old Spice Customer Service

Dear Old Spice,

I recently bought a bar of Old Spice Bar Soap, and noticed the strange shape of the product. What’s up with that?


Not that I dislike it, mind you. It looks like a miniature telephone, and I use it to hold imaginary phone calls in the shower. (“McGavin here. What’s that? Osama bin Laden 2? I’ll be right over, Mr. President!”)

But it’s different, and I wondered if perhaps there was a practical reason for it, or maybe Old Spice has been taken over by Freemasons. (You laugh, but it happened to Irish Spring, and now you can’t buy a bar of soap from those crazy bastards without finding a finger in it.)

Also, although I’ve been using your soap for a few days now, I’ve yet to turn into a charismatic, heavily-muscled black man as depicted in your commercials. I’m guessing that this is a more gradual effect of the soap, but can you tell me when I can expect that transformation to be complete? I’d hate for it to happen when I was, say, bathing my kids. It’d scare the holy bejeesus out of them.


Kennel Master,
Dogs on Drugs