I’ve got some big news for you, so you’re probably going to want to sit down for this. If you’re already sitting, you can remain in that position, but you may want to prepare yourself to jump up in surprise. If you’re already jumping, you’re either on a trampoline, or you’ve read ahead and know the big news in advance. Either way, knock that shit off. Anyway, here we go: I’m going to be teaching a course at Harvard.
Now, because of how academia works, I can’t get into all of the details right now. Harvard probably has a million details to attend to before it makes the big announcement, details like preparing promotional material, printing up commemorative trucker hats, becoming aware of me and asking if I’m available to teach the course, etc. But make no mistake about it: This course is mine to teach. The course is entitled Maledicta – Ritualized Verbal Abuse, and if I can’t teach that course, then those pigfuckers at Harvard can cram it with walnuts, because who the fuck else is going to teach it? Huh? Certainly not Stephen A. Mitchell, that sack of weasel excrement. Oh, sure, he’s a professor at Harvard and everything, specializing in “Scandinavian and Folklore” whatever that is, but when it comes right down to it, if you need someone to tear into you, and I mean really tear into you, who do you want to do it? Some ivory tower asshole who once got caught sneaking lube into a petting zoo (I imagine), or me, the guy who once called Tom Bosley a “dickless waste of genetic material”?
But of course there will be skeptics, so allow me to get ahead of the curve and allay their fears in this handy question and answer format:
Q: But Greg, you’re clearly not qualified to teach a course at Harvard!
A: That’s an excellent point. My well and considered response to it is that you should go fuck yourself.
Q: No, seriously, don’t you need to have something beyond a 3rd grade education and a moderately severe case of Tourette’s to teach a course at Harvard?
A: Are you insinuating that someone with Tourette’s Syndrome cannot be an effective professor in an institute of higher learning? Because I’ll have you know that the Americans With Disabilities Act says differently, pal. Whoop! Fuck! Ass! Pussy!
Q: Look, this course is obviously about ritual verbal abuse in folklore. It needs to be taught by someone knowledgeable in the subject area, and not just some profanity-spewing weirdo who spends an awful lot of time skulking around the lingerie section at Walmart.
A: Go fuck yourself and the incredibly sturdy horse you rode in on, fatty.
Now that my qualifications are no longer an issue, allow me to state that I will not be teaching from a syllabus, nor shall I be teaching via the Socratic method of participation. Instead, in a stunning and bold break from Harvard tradition, I will award grades based on the following, stringent criteria:
- Willingness to hunt down and slay my enemies: 40%
- Sexual favors performed over the course of the semester: 40%
- Likes penguins: 20%
Attendance will count for -65%, so anyone that shows up for my class will receive an F, as I have much better things to do than wake up in the morning and schlep my tired ass to the lecture hall just to viciously harangue a bunch of fucking Harvard students. I will do that shit over the internet, as I have some experience in that regard (ask Tom Bosley).
A coked-up mess of a woman once said that she believed that the children are our future, and on this we can all agree. Those little fuckers will pay through the goddamn nose for a Harvard education, and if Harvard needs someone to keep them grounded by calling them a bunch of dog-ramming hermaphrodites, then who am I to say no? But if they don’t, then fuck them. I’m the best person in the universe, so I can get a job anywhere. I’ll just go to Yale and teach their course on Humility.