420 Million Readers Can’t Be Wrong
My life is a lot like the show Mad Men: I lounge around in a suit all day, quaffing gin and chain-smoking while ad men try to convince me that they hold the key to untold riches. And when I get bored, I head out to the Savoy for a twelve martini lunch and then wind down by maybe chasing a little tail. Ring-a-ding-ding, it rules to be me! Then I wake up from this pleasant dream to find vagrants pawing at me while a man in an ill-fitting blue suit informs me that I’m no longer welcome at the Amtrak terminal. So, I guess my life isn’t like Mad Men at all, which is a bummer because those guys really know how to party.
Still, I do occasionally get to live the high life: People email me and promise me riches in exchange for advertising on Dogs on Drugs. Here’s how that usually goes:
Internet Marketing Specialist: How would you like to make upwards of $5.00 for letting us write a post in which you profess your love for various Johnson & Johnson products?
Me: Go fuck yourself.
But recently, I was approached by a “publisher advocate” who contacted me three times and even went so far as to give me her phone number should I want to call and discuss the wonderful opportunity she was offering me.
Subject: Partnership Inquiry
Date: June 10th, 2014 2:52 PM
I certainly hope you’re doing well today.
My name is Kyra (redacted)- I am an account manager at (redacted), based in Boulder, Colo. I’m reaching out to talk with you about your site’s advertising, specifically the unsold ad space. We have strengthened our network greatly in the past few months, and I would love you to be a part of it; we’ve created a network that focuses on creating mutually beneficial financial relationships between advertisers and publishers- creators of websites.
Would you be able to talk this week about working together? If so, you may reach me via e-mail or at (redacted).
Thanks for your time,
Three days went by, and Kyra tried again.
Subject: Just a Quick Little Follow Up
Date: June 13th, 2014 8:53 AM
I just wanted to follow up on my previous email to see if it is possible to talk about your advertising strategies on your site. What I would be interested in is determining if we could increase your earnings overall from your display efforts. If you would care to further discuss your earning potential, please feel free to either email me or call me at the contact information provided below.
Thanks for your time!
And five days later:
Subject: Am I contacting the right person?
Date: June 18th, 2014 10:43 AM
I feel as though I may be reaching out to the wrong person. Would it be possible for you to point me in the direction of someone that I would be able to further discuss advertising on your site with? Any help would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you for your time!
Well, we can’t keep ignoring poor Kyra, can we?
Subject: I will feast upon your succulent haunches
Date: June 18th, 2014 3:00 PM
Forgive me for the lateness of my response. I’m part of an international outreach program, and have just spent the last month or so in rural China. You wouldn’t believe the poverty out there, Kyra. It’s positively heartbreaking. I gave a Playstation 4 to a young child, only to discover that his house had no electricity. We had to jury rig an improvised generator, and half way through the Call of Duty boot process the yak had a heart attack and fell off of the goddamn treadmill.
Anyway, I first got interested in China a year or so ago. I was in Beijing conducting Official Company Business at a night club with a bunch of Chinese Communist Party officials. People tend to think of the Chinese government as extremely straight-laced but when you reach a certain level in The Communist Party, you find that certain avenues open up to you and it’s only natural that people take advantage of the situation.
So we were sitting in this night club, doing shots of rice wine mixed with cobra venom and some sort of hallucinogenic shoe polish additive. I’d tell you what the name of the drink was, but it’s damn near unpronounceable when you’re sober, and we most certainly were not sober once we’d started in on that foul concoction. Long story short, I woke up naked in the middle of a small village outside the Gobi desert. Ever since, I’ve been part of an outreach program to teach some fucking English to these people. What the fuck? How hard is it to understand “Can I borrow your cell phone?” Savages.
All right, to the matter at hand… Unused ad space on my web site.
First of all, yes, you are contacting the right person. I do have a dedicated staff of crack professionals working for me, but I’ve found that unless properly motivated, their productivity suffers. For instance, my marketing team does little more than weep all day, but once I hinted that maybe I’d let them have their children back, their productivity soared. Sure, it was mainly in form of marketing studies on federal kidnapping laws, but the important thing was that they were doing something for a change, and not just lying there in my basement, bemoaning their sorry fate. So it’s probably for the best that we keep our communication limited to just you and me. And on the off chance that you are contacted by, say, someone from my marketing team, bear in mind that those people are fucking liars.
As for unsold advertising space, I will say this: I’ve got nothing but unsold advertising space. I am currently not advertising at all. This may surprise you, coming from the head of a large, multinational corporation whose web site draws in over 420 million viewers annually, but it’s true.
The reason why I do not accept advertising is because I do not agree with the current pay-per-click advertising model. That may work for Google, since they have a highly targeted advertising engine (and also I happen to know for a fact that the whole AdSense thing is nothing more than a cover for a White Slavery ring), but it doesn’t work for me. If someone wants their ad copy to show on my site, they are going to pay for it. Seeing an ad is worth something, whether some hapless asshole clicks on it or not.
And to tell you the truth, I’m a believer in immersive advertising. I don’t want to go hodge-podge or even willy-nilly with my ad space. An ad for Depends Adult Undergarments on one page and an ad for Johnnie Walker Black on the next? Where is the consistency, I ask you?
So what I propose is that you get Heineken on the fucking horn and see what you can do about organizing a web site takeover campaign. I will fill the background with Heineken branding, use Heineken branding on banner ads, side ads, pop overs, pop unders, fuck, I’ll even make Pop-Tarts, slap the goddamn Heineken brand on that and eat the fucking things for breakfast. I’ll name my next child Heineken. I may even be able to have a small village on the outskirts of the Gobi desert named Heineken.
Now here’s the hook: If you get me a reasonable fee for this advertising campaign, I will write every single word on my site while drinking Heineken. Guaranteed. Hell, I pretty much write that way right now, so it’s not like it’s a stretch or anything. And with very little effort, one could even envision a Heineken television commercial starring yours truly, and what it means to truly lead a Heineken Life. (We’d edit out me falling down the stairs and shit like that.)
So whaddya say? Personally I’m excited. And thirsty. But mostly excited. (Cobra venom does that to you.)
Dogs on Drugs International
Date: June 18th, 2014 3:21 PM
If you want to give us a try then please fill out this survey to join our network.
After that, you and I may voyage into the belly of the Heineken beast to see if they will sponsor your blog.
*We pay per impression not per click.
Subject: With a succotash?
Date: June 18th, 2014 3:53 PM
I tried to sign up, but your signup process requires that I give you my social security number. The last time I provided this number to someone I didn’t know, he used it to appropriate my identity then went and ran for President as me! Then that asshole fucked this country 12 ways from Sunday, and the whole thing really left a bad taste in my mouth.
I could give you Mitt Romney’s social security number. He gave that to me in exchange for a vote a while back, but the joke was on him: On election day I voted Libertarian. Or I stayed home and got high. I forget which. Look, the point is, he lost and now I’m receiving Hustler magazine in his name and he’s footing the bill.
Greg (formerly George W Bush)
Dogs on Drugs International
Date: June 18th, 2014 3:56 PM
Feel free to enter in 0000’s for the SSN.
Subject: I know what your bathroom looks like
Date: June 18th, 2014 4:49 PM
Ok, well that helps, but I’ve been looking over your Terms and Conditions, and I’m wondering if I’m a fit for you. I see that your company has a policy against accepting content that promotes violence, for instance.
I’ll be up front and honest with you: Once I challenged Peter Cetera to a fist-fight, and if you were to be walking down the street and Kenny Loggins happened by, my advice to you would be to drop the motherfucker. Punch him in the neck. Lay the guy fucking O-U-T. Have you ever heard the song Whenever I Call You Friend? The man is a monster. He must be stopped.
Also, I once kinda, sorta got in trouble for a post I wrote entitled “This is Why We Should Burn Down the Zoo”, which a judge likened to “yelling fire in a crowded theater, and then setting the theater on fire.” I’ll admit, that post kind of got away from me, as did the follow up post, “Fuck Burning Down the Zoo, We Need To Burn Down The Court House.”
You don’t have any problem with drug-related content, do you? I hope not, because in the Kids Corner section on my site I published a recipe for making bathtub meth. And although I am legally involved in the medicinal marijuana industry, doing a brisk trade in 23 states, I’ve been told that my policy of selling ounces at junior high schools across the country is probably in violation of federal law.
Hell, your company has a problem with “questionable content”. Have you ever sat down and read my site? I don’t recommend it. It’s best perused while under the influence of bath salts. Luckily, I sell those through my site. Simply go to the Marketplace section, where it’s listed under a code name: Baby Formula.
I’ve got a lot of racist shit posted too. I mean, I don’t think anyone is better than anyone else because of their color, sexual orientation, religion or anything like that. I just fucking hate Belgians. Smelly bastards. Hey, if you were in a room with a tiger, a lion, a Belgian, and a gun with two bullets, what would you do? Shoot the Belgian. Twice. HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Take that, you smelly Belgians!
Anyway, let me know if your company is down with this kind of thing. It’s not really that bad, if you think about it. You get pretty much the same content watching an hour of FOX News.
P.S. Oh, I also noticed that you prefer to pay your content providers through PayPal. Hopefully you can pay me via check, because I can’t use PayPal. There was this whole big thing that I don’t want to get into except to say that apparently if you shoot a Senior VP of Finance, you aren’t allowed to do business with that company any more. Whatever. Those guys at PayPal are a bunch of fucking pussies, and I’m pretty sure they molest elk.
Subject: Macaroni Romance & the Promise of New Vacuum Cleaners
Date: June 20th, 2014 4:22 PM
Kyra seemed a little bit annoyed that you didn’t reply to her email immediately. I hope you gave your PA a bollocking for almost letting that golden opportunity slip away.
And, despite being a master of run-on sentences, and split infinitives, she couldn’t think of a closing phrase better than “thanks for your time”? Shame on you, Ms. Redacted.
Wouldn’t that be awesome if her last name really was Redacted? Then anytime someone redacted her last name, she could sue on the grounds that they failed to redact her last name.
(This probably explains why I’m not allowed to file lawsuits in my state any more.)
Not sure how you come up with the awesome subject lines of e-mails like these, but “Macaroni Romance & the Promise of New Vacuum Cleaners” is one of my all-time favorites.
I’m pretty sure I stole that from the title of a Sting album. It seems like it should be the title of a Sting album, doesn’t it?
Just once, I want to see someone respond to you in the way you deserve. These people are so boring.
From now on, I will insist that anyone reading an email from me take a couple of doses of acid to put themselves in the proper frame of mind.
Nobody ever pays me in Heineken beast bellies.
Life is fundamentally unfair.
Kyra is that girl who said she liked you because you were ‘interesting’ and ‘not like other guys’ that told you you were funny and laughed at all your jokes, until she got bored.
Yes, and now she’s known as “The girl locked in my basement.” Who’s laughing now, huh?