I heard from several readers this morning who wrote to inform me that Dogs On Drugs, your one-stop shop for Bea Arthur penis jokes, was offline. At first I blamed my arch nemesis, Kenny Loggins, for the outage and quickly dispatched several Mexican drug cartel hit men to rectify the situation. Kenny once sang, “I’m all right, don’t nobody worry ’bout me,” and I used to think that was rather sound advice. After all, I had spent the better part of my life not worrying about Kenny Loggins, and look where it got me: I am on the list of Who’s Who Among Executives and Professionals. Also, I’m no longer allowed to come within 500 yards of Gavin MacLeod. Look, the point is that Kenny has made a nuisance of himself, forcing me to worry ’bout him, and now there’s going to be some fucking bloodshed. End of story.
Except that it turned out that I had forgotten to renew my domain name. For years, GoDaddy would remind me seventeen billion times a day that the domain name DogsOnDrugs.com would expire in the near future, and that I shouldn’t worry because I had set up “auto-renew”. So my domain would expire, but GoDaddy would auto-renew it and bill me directly so that you could continue to read quality posts offering insightful analysis and witty observations including the words “cum dumpster”.
But earlier in the year I turned off auto-renew for some reason that I can’t recall, and it turns out that while GoDaddy is very good at reminding you about things that don’t need your attention, they are rather lacking in reminding you to do things that involve more than drinking absinthe on the couch and watching raincoat fetish porn.
Dear valued customer,
This is a reminder that you should have renewed your domain name, which expired 15 minutes ago. Maybe next time you won’t be so quick to turn off auto-renew, huh? Asshat.
So I renewed my domain, DogsOnDrugs.com sprang back to life, and I had tied up all the loose ends other than the fact that a couple of heavily armed homicidal maniacs with big guns and short fuses were on their way to Kenny Loggins house. I’d call them off, but they had me set up this thing called auto-renew and I think I get billed if I cancel it now, so whatever. Kenny’s all right. Don’t nobody worry ’bout him.
As a way of rewarding those of you who stuck with me through this difficult time, I present this video which answers the question, “Are there people in this world stupid enough to run away from water when they are on fire?”