When You Need A Special Person For That Special Day
It has come to my attention recently that many of my readers have either forgotten, or just did not know that I am a Man of God, which explains the general lack of groveling and tithing around here. Well, I am here to tell you that just because I became an ordained minister on a lark does not mean that I take my spiritual duties lightly. Why, just the other day, I damned some asshole straight to hell for cutting me off in traffic. I don’t fuck around, something you should consider when determining whether your 10% tithe is based on your gross or net income.
This subject came up at work today when I casually mentioned to a coworker that I was allowed to perform marriages in Arizona, a comment that was met with a noise somewhere between a laugh and a lip fart. And even though I was able to produce a document proving that this was true, she did not allow me to marry her to the water cooler which I thought was kind of rude of her, even if she is already married to a human being. (To be fair, she did let me marry her stapler to a picture of a tractor, which was a moving ceremony, or at least it was until the picture of a tractor realized it was married to a ball-hammering shrew, at which point things got decidedly ugly.)
Afterwards, I got to thinking that no one is going to take me seriously as a Holy Man unless I have experience with more traditional spiritual unions, and so I took out an ad on Craigslist:
This is why I wish I had time to peruse the Craig’s List classifieds. This very thing right here.
Some lucky asshole is going to stumble across that and hit you up.
Oh, man, I hope so. How much fun would it be to drunkenly send some hapless couple into wedded “bliss”?
“Don’t just get married, get weird.” Lovely.
Also, the guarantee not to molest young boys is a nice touch.
Well, I thought so.
Hmph. I was going to contact you with an unsolicited offer (nothing weird). But since you’ve put that disclaimer at the end of your ad, you will just have to miss out.
Nothing weird? Well forget it, I’m not interested then.