Nothing will make you feel older than having kids. You have to start acting responsible, you wind up becoming very concerned over shit that no one cares about (for instance, this article), and if all else fails, your children will not hesitate to tell you how old and uncool you have become. It’s become a running gag in my house.
Daughter: My friends think you’re really cool.
Me: Oh yeah? Well, I guess I fooled the shit out of them, huh?
Daughter: Boy, I’ll say.
Pretty funny, huh? My daughter thought so too, although she may feel differently about it now. I’ll let you know what she has to say about it once they let her out of the convent.
It’s one thing to have your kids tell you that you’re ancient and out of it, but it’s something else entirely when a random stranger on the internet tells you.
From: Fred Fez
Date: September 14th, 2019 9:39 PM
I was checking on your website, and it seems you might have to update it to keep up with the current trends. People nowadays are more comfortable browsing the internet on their phone or tablet since it’s more convenient. There were some issues when I was viewing it in mobile platforms, I can fix that for you.
I already like its design and overall user-interface, but I believe that your website can get even better so that your potential clients can be more engaged to do business with you, thus making your website more profitable. I’m all about flexibility and I’m sure that we can work out something to fit your needs.
My rates are cheap since I’m committed to helping small businesses. I’ll answer all the questions you have for me during a free consultation over the phone. I’d also like to know your ideas for the website, so please reply with the best time for me to call and your preferred contact details. I look forward to hearing back from you.
Fred Fez | Web Designer / Developer
I might have to keep up with current trends? Oh, Freddie…
Subject: Tippecanoe and fuck you too
Date: September 16th, 2019 7:45 PM
To: Fred Fez
I read with great interest your proposal to bring Dogs on Drugs into the 21st century. I mean, I tried to read it with great interest, but I couldn’t find my reading glasses. You ever have that happen to you? It happens to me constantly. (It turns out they were on my head the whole time! Ha!)
Anyway, I got my great-grandson Skippy to read it to me since he’s one of those annoying millenium people and should be able to translate your malarkey into common English. He told me that you think I need to keep up with current trends, which really got my goat. I will have you know that just the other day I spent the better part of two hours (and a snifter or ten of brandy) writing on a Television Program called Land of the Lost. That show debuted in 1974, my friend. 1974! If that’s not current, then I don’t want to know what current is.
I don’t know if you were suffering from foul humours the day you wrote, but I won’t stand for that sort of ball-cockery, you frumpy half-wit. I have half a notion to have hired goons dispatched to your hovel to dance the Lindy Hop on your goddamn spleen. Current trends, will you? I am weaving a letter to my congressman, you paltroon. Of that you can be sure.
A pox on thee!
Skipwell Xavier McGillicutty IV
Chief Technology Officer,
Dogs on Drugs