If there is a single word that springs to mind when one looks at this website, that word is “professional”. I’m led to this conclusion by the steady stream of emails I receive from people who would like to help my business meet its potential. Before I read these emails, I was under the impression that Dogs on Drugs was nothing more than a large collection of dick jokes and semi-slanderous statements about Angela Lansbury (who has a penis, by the way). But as it turns out, I was wrong. It is actually a business venture that has the potential to produce large amounts of revenue, although to be truthful, I’m still unclear how one goes from slandering Angela Lansbury (serial killer) to rolling in dough. Blackmail, perhaps? Continue reading

Quite some time ago, I received an email from an admiring reader in the UK. At least, I think he’s an admiring reader. He didn’t include the standard, non-admirer terms that usually tip me off, such as “illliterate dumbfuck”, “escaped zoo chimp with a spellchecker”, and “tragic waste of the human spirit”. He also failed to threaten to report me to the “internet police”, and so I’m only able to draw the conclusion that he’s an admirer, or failing that, at least he doesn’t want to set my teeth on fire. Continue reading

Yesterday’s post about the incidence of pubic lice aboard the USS Enterprise got me to thinking about classic television shows, and whenever that happens, my thoughts turn to the Brady Bunch. Of course it doesn’t take much to get me on a Brady Bunch roll, as anyone who was with me this weekend can attest. All I can say to that is look, I’m sorry I ruined your grandmother’s funeral, but in my defense she looked an awful lot like Alice, and all I did was ask her to make me a sandwich. And put a mop in her casket. And then take her out of there to reenact a couple of classic scenes. The point is, stop being such a gigantic baby about it, and come bail me out! Continue reading

Mankind is, by its very nature, inquisitive. From the time we descended from the trees, we have asked ourselves the big questions: Who are we? What are those strange lights in the sky? When are they going to invent beer? As mankind began to understand and manipulate its environment, we discovered that each answer we found led to new, and more fundamental questions: What is the sun made out of? What is this force that moves the Earth around it? And seriously, can someone invent beer already? My wife is fucking nagging me to buy her a new loom, and I could really go for a cold one. Now, of course, with the benefit of modern technology, we are able to answer more questions than we have at any time in our past, and still we find that there are more to be answered, such as whether or not they still have crabs onboard the USS Enterprise. Continue reading

I was reminded today about a story from when I was 23 years old; a story involving Girl Scouts. Now, if story involving a 23 year old me and Girl Scouts makes you uneasy, I’d like to point out that I didn’t do or say anything that would have required the police to get involved. I was standing next to that guy. Big difference. Continue reading

Most of the time, when I complain about the weather in Phoenix, I’m fully aware that I’m being a complete and total weather pussy. I grew up in Chicago, where wind and cold conspire to turn every day activities, like pumping gas, into life-threatening ordeals the likes of which are usually confined to a Jack London novel. So I should know better when I complain about an 80 degree day in March with no clouds in the sky because, “it’s just a little too warm for hiking.” I’ve got friends on the East Coast who have had so much snow this winter that they’ve had to leave their home via the attic and use their frozen grandmother’s corpse as a makeshift sled in a desperate bid to get food and medicine, but I’m down here getting tweaked because snakes are slightly more active when the temperatures hit 80. No word yet on whether or not they’ll film the next season of Survivor at my house. Continue reading

Those of you who have visited this site before and still managed to retain minimal brain function will probably have noticed that things look a little different. Now before you freak out, I’d like to take the time to reassure you that nothing of substance has changed. You can still expect me to curse, ramble incoherently, and of course make fun of Belgians. Smelly, no-good, fucking Belgians. Continue reading

Let me just say right off the bat that the title of this post is a joke. I like to joke with the ladies, because they appreciate a good sense of humor and enjoy a laugh just as much as us guys do, unless, of course, they consider the joke to be Not Funny, in which case they extend their claws and emit a violent shrieking noise capable of shattering windows in a twelve block radius. Or maybe I’m thinking about eagles. Whatever. The point I’m trying to make is that I haven’t been taking my court ordered medication. Continue reading

Did you know that Dogs on Drugs is more widely read than The Holy Bible? It’s true! And if it isn’t, it just seems like it should be true, doesn’t it? I mean, yeah, the Bible tells you how to get into the afterlife and all, but how many videos does it contain of Angela Lansbury masturbating in a tub? I’m pretty sure the answer is none. And what about toddlers yelling at their own asses? The Bible is strangely quiet on that subject too. Look, it’s all well and good to get into heaven, I’ll give you that. But if there isn’t going to be someone there to tell you about the sexual habits of Pac-Man (and there won’t be) you need to read up on that shit now, while you can. Continue reading

I’ve never been a huge fan of television. I’m not one of those pretentious pricks who prides themselves on not owning a television, mind you. I own one, and even occasionally turn it on when I feel the need to hate mankind a little more than I do already. Because, let’s face it, television is a vast, cultural cesspool. It’s like a digital version of Cleveland. Nothing good’s going to come out of it, and after visiting you feel the intense need to take a shower. Continue reading