Odds are if you’re looking at this page, you’ve got some questions regarding this website, me, and how I escaped my ward attendant long enough to get internet access. Well, tough shit. Instead of answering those questions, I’m going to devote this page to Google-rumors of various Tween Idols.
How this works: I go to Google and type in the name of a Tween Idol, followed by the word “is” (or “looks like”) and let auto-complete do the rest. Then I have another drink.
The Tween Idol: Miley Cyrus, a.k.a. Hannah Montana
Libelous Capsule Bio: Born of the unholy union between Billy Ray Cyrus and a Guatemalan quadruple amputee, Miley Cyrus rocketed to fame after blowing several Disney executives and subsequently landing her own Disney Show, Hannah Montana. Miley then used this platform to launch a milquetoast recording career, appear in a handful of instantly forgettable movies (including a starring role as the lead in Mr. Ed: The Movie), and generally act like a drunken, stoned, degenerate slut-bag.
The Rumor: Miley Cyrus is pregnant.
The Verdict: Despite the unlikelihood of a male human being wanting to have sexual relations with Miley Cyrus, there is no denying the visual evidence. It is thought that a drunken horse fetishist may have made an honest mistake:
The Tween Idol: Miranda Cosgrove, a.k.a. iCarly
Libelous Capsule Bio: Miranda Cosgrove got her start as an actress at the age of 5 when the director of the TV series Smallville needed a toadstool for a scene and Cosgrove happened to walk by. She then parlayed this into a series of small roles requiring conspicuous placement of inanimate vegetables, small fungi, and butt-plugs on set. In 2007 through the judicious usage of mind-bending drugs, she was able to land the role of Carly Shay on Nickelodeon’s iCarly. And Satan laughed.
The Rumor: Miranda Cosgrove is, in fact, Michael Jackson.
The Verdict: Putting aside the chimpanzee fetish common to both, clearly Ms. Cosgrove is not nearly feminine enough to be Michael Jackson in disguise.
The Tween Idol: Victoria Justice
Libelous Capsule Bio: Victoria Justice began acting at the age of 8, working her way through a series of small roles before finally making a splash in Nickelodeon’s Zoey 101 when she murdered Jamie Lynn Spears in a dispute over drugs. While Ms. Justice was propelled into notoriety and tween stardom, Nickelodeon was forced to review their policy of providing cocaine stipends to child actors, ultimately deciding to “mix a little heroin in there”. Justice then headlined the show Victorious about life at a Hollywood performing arts school. The death toll continues to mount.
The Rumor: Victoria Justice is Mexican. (Yes, people have so much time on their hands that they devote some of it to debating whether or not Victoria Justice is Mexican.)
The Verdict: Unless it’s Halloween, it’s pretty clear that La Migra needs to take a trip down to the set of Victorious. Armed.