I Can’t Get No

But I try, and I try, and I try...

I get a lot of goofball spam in my inbox. Sure, there’s the garden variety SEO bullshit which breathlessly informs me that unless I optimize my website for search engines, I am leaving a HUGE AMOUNT OF MONEY ON THE TABLE. I didn’t realize that the market for dick jokes was that big, to tell you the truth. (Hehe: Dick. Big.) And there’s the inevitable Penis Pill spam, which promises that I can make my member longer, wider, and harder if I take a bunch of pills, but that seems a little pricey given that I can do all three of those things for free just by hanging out at the local gym during women’s spin class. (Or at least I could until a court ordered me to stay out of there.) But today I got probably the strangest and most abstract spam mail I’ve ever received. Read more »

Love – Exciting And New

Can you spot the serial masturbator?

“He who makes a beast of himself gets rid of the pain of being a man.” Samuel Johnson said that, and it explains why he was seldom invited to dinner parties. He’d drink all the sherry, shit in the guest bed, and all the pets would wind up with a wicked strain of VD. But he was onto something, of that we can be sure, because people make beasts of themselves on a regular basis. There is no end to things that we will do to ourselves in a vain attempt to distract ourselves from the fact that we are human. Like watch the Love Boat, for instance. Read more »

On Superpowers And Clock Radios

Me, as Superman

I never got into comic books when I was a boy, and Superman was the reason. For the life of me, I didn’t understand why he ever had to be Clark Kent. Couldn’t he just be Superman all the time? I mean, he’s fucking Superman, for crying out loud. Why would he ever feel the need to be some hapless asshole working a loser job? “Man, this whole being-the-best-person-on-the-planet thing is getting old!” Is this what we’re supposed to believe is running through Superman’s mind? I call bullshit on that. If I was Superman, my day to day thoughts would be more along the lines of, “First I’m going to bang 100 supermodels, and then I’m going to tell Led Zeppelin to play a personal show for me or I will fling them into the sun.” Read more »

Soy Perros En Las Drogas

Donde est hats that fit?

I’m learning Spanish. I’ve known some Spanish for a while now, of course. It’s pretty much mandatory if you live in Arizona or have ever spent time in Mexico. But what I knew was limited to the crucial terms: Where are the bathrooms?; Another beer, please; Where is the nearest house of ill repute? You know, the basics. But now I’m learning Spanish in a more formal sense because my daughter isn’t. Read more »

Robert Plant Laughs At Your Paltry $800 Million

They are your overlords

Over the weekend, friends of mine fairly fell all over themselves emailing me news that Robert Plant turned down a $800 million offer to go on tour with Led Zeppelin. I, of course, did not need to be told this “news”, because I am plugged directly into the rock and roll zeitgeist, by which I mean I’ve been lurking in the bushes outside of Robert Plant’s house. (It’s not as exciting as you would imagine, to be honest. Hardly anything happened at all today. David Coverdale came by to clean the pool, but that was it.) Read more »

That Broth Is Muhfuggin’ Ruined!

I’ve got 37 beers to drink a lot on my plate tonight, so I’m going to take the easy way out by posting a strange video instead of posting slanderous comments about the size of Bea Arthur’s penis something with a little more thought behind it.

A note about this particular video: You may have seen it since it went viral this last weekend or so, but if not, buckle the fuck up because it is fuh-reaky! It’s why I love Adult Swim: They are not afraid to get really goddamn weird.

Too Many Cooks. Discuss

Snakes On Acid

First, raver cats, now, snakes on acid:

Everything’s Big In Texas

I bet you anything he called the QB Tony Homo at one point.

Texas is a Big State. It is full of Big Texas People, jowly businessmen with Big Hats and Big Physiques that resemble a side of beef. They drive Big Cadillacs with Big Horns mounted over the grill, and they do Big Business before going home to their Big Wives, and their Big Kids, on the Big Ranch. It’s Texas. It’s Big. And in Texas, you either Go Big, or you Go Home. Or you go Fucking Apeshit Crazy. Read more »

Let’s Fuck With Archaeologists!

(stifles a giggle)

In 1916 a ship, the SS Mount Temple, was crossing the Atlantic bound for Liverpool England with a wartime cargo consisting of horses and 22 cases of dinosaur fossils because… Well, because the SS Mount Temple originated from Montreal, and you know how those crazy Canucks like to hit the sauce. “World War I has broken out in Europe? Zut alors! We must send them horses and dinosaur bones, just as soon as we are done making sweet, sweet love to this moose!” This really happened. (Yes, the moose thing too.) Read more »

And Then There’s Mauve

Apparently, this is a superpower.

I was thinking about Aquaman today during a meeting at the office because… Well, because what else are you going to do? You start doing crazy shit like paying attention during meetings at work, and the next thing you know you’ll be tagged as a Responsible Worker, and the only thing that leads to is more responsibility. Seriously, show up to work wearing pants one day, and the next thing you know you’ll have things to do and deadlines and shit. No fucking thank you. Read more »

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