Previously, On Dogs On Drugs…

Do you suffer from gangrenous anal fissures?

A couple of posts ago, I mentioned that much to my everlasting shame, I watch the TV show Sons of Anarchy. It’s cheesy, poorly written, horribly over-acted, and terribly contrived, but because I watched it during the first couple of seasons when it was good, I feel obligated to see it through. Anyway, at the beginning of each episode, a voice over says, “Previously, on Sons of Anarchy” and then they show highlights from the previous show. I know they do this to remind viewers what happened the week before, but it always irritates me because I realize that I spent an hour of my life watching a show that was perfectly summed up in a 30 second recap. Such a waste of time. But I like the device itself, and often find myself wishing that I could use it in real life. So instead of giving a status update to my boss, I could just say, “Previously, on Greg’s Professional Life,” and then he’d watch me type on a keyboard for 30 seconds. Read more »

Everything I Know About Armored Cars

Not pictured: Rancid Taco Bell induced flatulence

I was sitting in traffic today behind an armored car when I realized with a start that of all the trivial, meaningless bullshit that I’ve vomited onto this website, I haven’t written a single word about armored cars. I know! Crazy, right? How thoughtless of me! I mean, out there somewhere is a person who up until I wrote this post probably cried themselves to sleep at night, thinking, “Look, I already know what you think of the movie Starship Troopers. Is it too much to ask that you write a little something about armored cars?” I hope you can forgive me, dear mystery reader. Here is everything I know about armored cars. Read more »

Leave Of Absence

Look, protocol or not, I need a beer, ok?

If you’ve been a long term Dogs on Drugs reader, you may have noticed that I haven’t posted anything during the last couple of weeks. That’s the longest I’ve ever gone without posting, and I believe that my readers deserve an explanation, so here it is: I took a leave of absence for medical reasons. More specifically, I took a couple of weeks off to better serve my community by ebola-proofing my neighborhood. Sure, I raised a few eyebrows when I began nailing cow tongues to front doors in order to ward off evil spirits. And yes, people became “concerned” when I bought a high powered hose and began blasting bleach through mail slots and into people’s homes. And ok, maybe I did go “completely overboard” when I began viciously pistol-whipping anyone caught outdoors not wearing a hazmat suit. But you know how many cases of ebola have been reported in my neighborhood? None, that’s how many. My record speaks for itself. Who’s laughing now, enraged neighbors? Well, ok, the enraged neighbors are. Jesus, you’d think they’d never seen someone get tased in the neck and dragged off in cuffs before. Read more »

Canadians Are Insanely Polite

Actual picture of Canada

Not too many people know this, but I am Canadian. I’m first generation American, but my parents got me Canadian citizenship when I was younger because the Vietnam War was raging and they were concerned that I might be drafted when I grew up. So by getting me declared a Canadian citizen, they gave me the option of legally moving to Canada without having to face desertion charges. I wish they would have run that by me, to tell you the truth. I was looking forward to getting really high and burning my draft card. It looked like so much fun on TV. Read more »

Taking The Plunge

I do

A coworker of mine is getting married in a few months and having the ceremony take place on the edge of the Grand Canyon. That’s pretty brave, if you think about it. Anytime someone can get married and instantly collect on a life insurance policy with a well timed shove you have to ask yourself just how much you trust that other person. A bad marriage is supposed to ruin your life, after all, not end it immediately. Also, advice such as, “Be careful,” and “Watch your step” is more effective when given well in advance of a wedding, and not after you’ve committed. Read more »

The Tweeter

Señor Froggie sez: Don't forget to floss!

If there’s one thing that I love more than technology, it is explaining technology to the elderly in the express lane of a grocery store. I can’t even begin to describe to you the joy that brings to my life. I have spent the last 20 years working as a professional in the IT industry, so I really enjoy a doddering, uninformed person with borderline bladder control dismiss all of my knowledge in a single, hilariously stupid sentence that typically begins with the words, “Well, in my day…” Why do I love it so? Because I have an answer at the ready. I simply say, “Well, this is my day, and in my day WE STEAL PEOPLE’S DENTURES!!!” Yoink! And then thirty minutes later, I’m at home, hard at work with the dentures, a file, a tube of superglue, and whatever animal happens by. I tell you something: We have the funniest looking frogs in our neighborhood. Read more »

Many Ways The Wind Blows

Ay ay ay! Odile no es bueno!

For the second time in ten days, we’ve got a hurricane blowing through town. In Phoenix. In the middle of the desert. What the fuck? Not that I’m complaining, mind you. It’s September, and while the rest of the country has moved on from summer, our daily temperatures are still in the “ball-searing” range, so an overcast day in the low 90’s is a welcome change. We walk around outside, remark on the weather to friends and coworkers, and then we take advantage of the lull to apply another layer of ablative material to our underwear, because by the time the week is over we’ll be back to burning our genitalia on car seats again. Read more »

Rock & Fucking Roll!

This is the line waiting to get in...

A long time ago, I wrote about possible bands that I would like to have play at the first annual Dogs on Drugs Party/Excuse to Abuse Dangerous Drugs in Public. Nudist Priest, Mini-Kiss, and Fat Benetar were all considered, as well as BabyMetal, a Japanese girlpop trio who wants to teach your tweener girls how to motherfucking rawk! But for whatever reason, it never happened. Nudist Priest broke up, one of the dudes in Mini-Kiss died, and as for BabyMetal it turns out that they’re weird in Japan about grown and intoxicated men offering their pubescent girls cash in exchange for coming back to America with them. This, coming from a country that sells used panties in vending machines. (I also learned that they have a different kind of mace in Japan that’s incredibly painful.) So the party didn’t take place. Read more »

Pretty Fly For Some White Guys

Caucasian Heaven

My kids and I played a game of Bounce or Fly after dinner tonight, and each time my eight year old son took his turn kicking, he’d offer me a high five. Jesus, I can’t remember the last time I was involved in something so forced and awkward. The two of us might be the whitest people on the face of the planet. We’re “Shopping At The Gap” White. “Fluffernutter On Wonder Bread” White. How white are we? We’re “Tiger Woods” White. Read more »

Norbert

Norbert, the nerd of hurricanes.

One of the things that I didn’t expect when I moved to Arizona is that from time to time I would have to deal with hurricanes. Hurricane Norbert blew through town yesterday, and let me tell you something: Phoenix is wetter than Rosie O’Donnell in a women’s prison right now. Read more »

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