The High Pitched Squeals Of Four Year Old Boys

My kids are really big fans of Minecraft. If you don’t know what that is, go have a boy and you’re certain to find out. It’s a computer world-building game, intentionally low-res, and you wouldn’t think it’d be of interest to anyone until you sit down and start playing with it. 90 minutes later, you’ll [...]

Minecraft, now with otto-roddy fishy-ation! Minecraft, now with otto-roddy fishy-ation!

You Never Forget

They say you never forget how to ride a bicycle, and it’s true. I know because I put it to the test. When I was a child, I lived in a rural area of Illinois, and I practically lived on my bike. We had rolling hills to fly down, homemade jumps to launch from, and a [...]

I want to ride my bicycle, I want to ride my bike... I want to ... AAAUUUUGGGHHH!!! I want to ride my bicycle, I want to ride my bike... I want to ... AAAUUUUGGGHHH!!!

The Ol’ Tuck & Tug

I have two brothers, which people find fascinating for some reason. ”You mean there’s more than one of you? Good God!” Actually, while I’m the garrulous, outgoing type of person, my younger brother is quiet and more reserved. And then my older brother is from Planet Zoot, and no one knows what the fuck he is [...]

Warning: The following post contains both chestnuts and roasting Warning: The following post contains both chestnuts and roasting

Let’s Get Physical

We live in a world of technological wonder, or at least we think we do. Five years from now, of course, we’ll wonder what we did back in the stone ages when we didn’t have high-def porn streamed directly into our brains (answer: get shit done), but for right now we feel like we are [...]

Pictured: One exhausting hike in the mountains, according to my fucking phone. Pictured: One exhausting hike in the mountains, according to my fucking phone.

Where Everybody Knows My Name (Jamal)

I was black the first time I stepped into a bar. You see, I attended a University with some rather relaxed rules about public alcohol consumption: Pretty much anyone could do it. The rule was that campus bars were allowed to admit people who were at least 19 years old, but they weren’t supposed to [...]

Jamal! Jamal!

Don’t Walk Into The Light, Greg!

Posted by Greg on May 23rd, 2013
I desperately need the anti-bullshit formula.

I’ve got a very bad cold. It’s 100 degrees outside, and I’ve got a cold. This is what is known in the medical community as fucking bullshit. Having a cold in summer weather gargles donkey-balls. Everyone else is running around, diving in pools, golfing, and generally acting like they’re in a fucking Mountain Dew commercial, and I’m stuffed up to the gills feeling like shit. Every once in a while I’ll look at someone enjoying themselves in a particularly summer-like way and just tell them, “Fug you butherfugger!” Read more »

The High Pitched Squeals Of Four Year Old Boys

Posted by Greg on May 22nd, 2013
Minecraft, now with otto-roddy fishy-ation!

My kids are really big fans of Minecraft. If you don’t know what that is, go have a boy and you’re certain to find out. It’s a computer world-building game, intentionally low-res, and you wouldn’t think it’d be of interest to anyone until you sit down and start playing with it. 90 minutes later, you’ll look up from the mountain hideaway you just finished building and realize with a start that you’ve spent the better part of your evening acting like a four year old. Then you’ll go back and put a battlement on your mountain hideaway because, and let’s be serious now, you simply can’t have a mountain hideaway without a battlement. Read more »

You Never Forget

Posted by Greg on May 21st, 2013
I want to ride my bicycle, I want to ride my bike... I want to ... AAAUUUUGGGHHH!!!

They say you never forget how to ride a bicycle, and it’s true. I know because I put it to the test. When I was a child, I lived in a rural area of Illinois, and I practically lived on my bike. We had rolling hills to fly down, homemade jumps to launch from, and a series of winding one-way streets that we knew like the backs of our hands. Of course, now I live in blazing-hot Phoenix where for five months out of the year riding a bike is like soaking yourself in gasoline and lying down under a large magnifying glass: It’s going to end with you carrying your roasted nuts home in a thimble. And so, between work, and kids, and the weather, and living in a city where everything is very, very spread out, I soon found myself not having ridden a bicycle in 20 years. Read more »

Eagles On The Highway

Posted by Greg on May 16th, 2013

I found myself struck by a powerful case of wanderlust the other day. All of a sudden I just felt like hopping in the Jeep and driving through the desert with the top down, my destination… Who knows? And probably irrelevant besides. Sometimes the road is the destination, with the sun painting the sky purple, the wind blowing through your hair, and road-weariness settling in just as lights begin to twinkle on the horizon…

Hey, what the fuck was that? I dunno. Life has been exceedingly weird for me the last few weeks, and sometimes I catch myself actually expressing my thoughts instead of making dick jokes. Sorry. I won’t let that happen again. Anyway, between everything I have going on and getting ready for a big wedding this weekend (as a groomsman, I hasten to add), I have no time for a real post tonight. So instead, here’s Chris Robinson and New Earth Mud performing a song that I always associate with long drives in the middle of nowhere, Eagles on the Highway. (Jesus, I’m starting to sound like Casey Kasem.)

The Putt-Putt Championship of America

Posted by Greg on May 15th, 2013
It's In The Hole!!!

Editor’s Note - I’ve always wanted to write an Editor’s Note. It makes anything you write afterwards positively drip with gravitas. For instance… Editor’s Note - While the Albanians were pummeled with hockey pucks, they were still unwilling to regurgitate the goldfish. Makes no sense, but the words “Editor’s Note” made you read it differently, doesn’t it? Anyway… Editor’s Note – I’ve got way, way too much shit on my plate tonight to write a real post, but instead of posting a goofy video or a smartass email fucking with someone who wants to use my site to advertise chocolate butt-plugs, I’m instead going to re-post something I wrote over 12 years ago on an old, long-forgotten site. So if it sucks, it’s because I was young and hadn’t learned how to suck less yet. Read more »

The Ol’ Tuck & Tug

Posted by Greg on May 14th, 2013
Warning: The following post contains both chestnuts and roasting

I have two brothers, which people find fascinating for some reason. ”You mean there’s more than one of you? Good God!” Actually, while I’m the garrulous, outgoing type of person, my younger brother is quiet and more reserved. And then my older brother is from Planet Zoot, and no one knows what the fuck he is thinking. To say that he’s socially maladapted is to assume a borderline level of social awareness, which I can assure you that my older brother does not have. He does or says what he feels like, and if that happens to violate every social more in place since the invention of the plow, well then that’s society’s fucking problem, isn’t it? This is how he came to ruin a Christmas Eve dinner for a bunch of old ladies. Read more »

Me No Make Words Good

Posted by Greg on May 13th, 2013

Ugh, I’m going through some stressful stuff right now, and it has sapped my energy and ability to put words on the thing with… the… funny… Sigh. So, let’s go to the wide world of stupid videos for relief. I give to you… Whatever the fuck this thing is. Ahhh, Russia, where the entertainment is as cheap as the vodka and just as likely to blind you.

Skeletons In The Closet

Posted by Greg on May 8th, 2013
Why I'll never be president, Exhibit A:

I was reading an article today about how New Jersey governor Chris Christie is going to undergo lap-band surgery. Pundits are divided over what the impact of this will be. Some think that this can only help Christie in a possible run for the White House in 2016, while some think, holy shit, those lap bands better be made of solid steel because otherwise all it’s going to take is a single trip to Crispy Creme and BLAMMO! Lap-band shrapnel and icing everywhere. Governor Christie is a big boy. What everyone can agree on is that you cannot become President of the United States if you weigh more than a Volkswagen. Read more »

Let’s Get Physical

Posted by Greg on May 7th, 2013
Pictured: One exhausting hike in the mountains, according to my fucking phone.

We live in a world of technological wonder, or at least we think we do. Five years from now, of course, we’ll wonder what we did back in the stone ages when we didn’t have high-def porn streamed directly into our brains (answer: get shit done), but for right now we feel like we are on the cutting edge of a brave, new world, one in which our phones are advanced enough to tell us that we’re all a bunch of lard-asses. Read more »

Where Everybody Knows My Name (Jamal)

Posted by Greg on May 6th, 2013
Jamal!

I was black the first time I stepped into a bar. You see, I attended a University with some rather relaxed rules about public alcohol consumption: Pretty much anyone could do it. The rule was that campus bars were allowed to admit people who were at least 19 years old, but they weren’t supposed to serve anyone unless they were 21 or older. This worked about as well as you would expect it to, which is to say not at all. You showed your id at the door, went inside, and proceeded to drink until you were too drunk to lie down on the ground without holding on. Then you had a few more and went home. Still, by limiting their clientele to those who were legally and almost-legally allowed to drink, they were missing out on a key demographic: People absolutely not old enough to drink. So bouncers at these bars tended to be rather casual when it came to checking ID. They’d put a thumb over the photo and wave you right on in. Read more »

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