Everything Is Magic!

Yeah, lotsa luck getting laid with that schtick.

You know who I have a problem with? Magicians that act surprised at what they’ve done. I’m looking in your direction, Doug Henning. Ok, well, not really, since you’ve been dead for 14 years. You know what I mean. (Again, no you probably don’t. You’re dead.) I’m going to stop talking to Doug Henning now. Read more »

Deep In The Heart Of Sex Act

I guess you're excused if you don't know how to read

I was sitting in traffic today, stuck behind a large Cadillac with Texas plates when it dawned on me that the state of Texas should really have an additional letter in it. Specifically, it should have the letter “C”, because if it did, then you could rearrange the letters in Tecxas to spell “Sex Act”, and how fucking awesome would that be? Answer: 7 million. It would be 7 million awesome. Read more »

O Christmas Tree!

It's that magical time of year, when everyone in the store is even more of an asshole.

I’ve been thinking a lot about Christmas trees lately, and not just because they’ve been rammed down my fucking throat since Halloween. Seriously, this three months of Christmas bullshit has to stop. I propose that anyone caught putting up Christmas decorations before Thanksgiving be placed in the stocks, and then we turn Rudolph loose on him. Rudolph on Viagra. And as for commercial establishments, every day that they’re in violation then everything in the store is free, including the employees. No one, and I mean no one is going to put up Christmas decorations in October if there’s a chance that they’ll wind up being sodomized in a double-wide for the rest of their life as a result. Ok, maybe Walmart employees. (45% of all Walmart employees enjoy being sodomized. That’s a scientifically proven fact. But don’t take my word for it, the next time you’re in Walmart, ask every employee you see if they enjoy being sodomized. You’ll see. Also, video that shit and send it to me.) Read more »

Cyber Monday!!!

Operators are standing by. Doing nothing. Because cyber.

If you’re anything like me, you’re woefully unprepared for the holidays. They come up on you so fast! One minute you’re celebrating Halloween with a carafe of grain alcohol, and the next you’re waking up on a snow covered lawn littered with empty whiskey bottles and lifeless hookers. You don’t know where your family is, let alone what you’re going to get them for Christmas. What you need to do is come up with a perfect gift, that special purchase that says, “I thought of you this holiday season, even if only between the blackouts.” That way your special someone feels needed, which is going to come in handy when you’re trying to round up character witnesses that don’t know you by your incriminating nickname (Drive-By). And Dogs on Drugs is here to help. Read more »

Chipotle, KFC, And The Department Of Homeland Security

Get the ramrod...

If, like me, you happen to live in the United States, you know that this week is pretty much a waste of time as far as getting anything productive done. This is because Thursday is Thanksgiving, that magical time of year during which we give thanks for all that we are blessed with by gorging on food until we’re swollen and bloated like ticks on a dog. I’m not quite sure how we went from thankful to gluttonous, but I’m pretty sure that our emaciated and smallpocked forbears would be puzzled by our behavior. “I’m thankful that only half of my children starved to death this year, but yeah, eating until you sweat gravy really captures the spirit of things.” Read more »

I Can’t Get No

But I try, and I try, and I try...

I get a lot of goofball spam in my inbox. Sure, there’s the garden variety SEO bullshit which breathlessly informs me that unless I optimize my website for search engines, I am leaving a HUGE AMOUNT OF MONEY ON THE TABLE. I didn’t realize that the market for dick jokes was that big, to tell you the truth. (Hehe: Dick. Big.) And there’s the inevitable Penis Pill spam, which promises that I can make my member longer, wider, and harder if I take a bunch of pills, but that seems a little pricey given that I can do all three of those things for free just by hanging out at the local gym during women’s spin class. (Or at least I could until a court ordered me to stay out of there.) But today I got probably the strangest and most abstract spam mail I’ve ever received. Read more »

Love – Exciting And New

Can you spot the serial masturbator?

“He who makes a beast of himself gets rid of the pain of being a man.” Samuel Johnson said that, and it explains why he was seldom invited to dinner parties. He’d drink all the sherry, shit in the guest bed, and all the pets would wind up with a wicked strain of VD. But he was onto something, of that we can be sure, because people make beasts of themselves on a regular basis. There is no end to things that we will do to ourselves in a vain attempt to distract ourselves from the fact that we are human. Like watch the Love Boat, for instance. Read more »

On Superpowers And Clock Radios

Me, as Superman

I never got into comic books when I was a boy, and Superman was the reason. For the life of me, I didn’t understand why he ever had to be Clark Kent. Couldn’t he just be Superman all the time? I mean, he’s fucking Superman, for crying out loud. Why would he ever feel the need to be some hapless asshole working a loser job? “Man, this whole being-the-best-person-on-the-planet thing is getting old!” Is this what we’re supposed to believe is running through Superman’s mind? I call bullshit on that. If I was Superman, my day to day thoughts would be more along the lines of, “First I’m going to bang 100 supermodels, and then I’m going to tell Led Zeppelin to play a personal show for me or I will fling them into the sun.” Read more »

Soy Perros En Las Drogas

Donde est hats that fit?

I’m learning Spanish. I’ve known some Spanish for a while now, of course. It’s pretty much mandatory if you live in Arizona or have ever spent time in Mexico. But what I knew was limited to the crucial terms: Where are the bathrooms?; Another beer, please; Where is the nearest house of ill repute? You know, the basics. But now I’m learning Spanish in a more formal sense because my daughter isn’t. Read more »

Robert Plant Laughs At Your Paltry $800 Million

They are your overlords

Over the weekend, friends of mine fairly fell all over themselves emailing me news that Robert Plant turned down a $800 million offer to go on tour with Led Zeppelin. I, of course, did not need to be told this “news”, because I am plugged directly into the rock and roll zeitgeist, by which I mean I’ve been lurking in the bushes outside of Robert Plant’s house. (It’s not as exciting as you would imagine, to be honest. Hardly anything happened at all today. David Coverdale came by to clean the pool, but that was it.) Read more »

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