On Sausages, The Importance Of Keeping Hydrated, And Being Mean To The Help

Pig dicks in vomit sauce

I found myself nauseated in the grocery store today. Normally if I feel nauseated in the grocery store, it’s because I’m in the potted meat aisle. There is something inherently wrong with potted meat, and if the lack of refrigeration and sci-fi-like expiration dates (“Best before 2112!”) don’t put you off, the contents should. A friend of mine once lost his fucking mind and tried Vienna Sausage, an experience he likened to eating pig dicks soaked in vomit, which in my mind is an insult to both pig dicks and vomit, because Vienna Sausages are fucking rank. Read more »

Episode 635, In Which Pelé Plays With His Joystick

Pele before he started using lube.

I’ve got a couple of young boys, 8 and 6, and so of course a large part of their life revolves around video games. They are crazy about videogames, and often I find myself giving them the old, “When I was your age” lecture, telling them how when I was a young boy, I played outside, and read books, and did all kinds of other things that didn’t involve dropping virtual tactical nukes on virtual villages, blowing tiny little virtual people into virtual Kingdom Come. But as I’m telling them this and rounding them up to head outside, I see what they’re playing and I think to myself, “Shit, if video games looked like that when I was a kid, I would never have left the couch.” Because they look AWESOME, and beautiful, and lifelike, and they’re everything I dreamed about when I played video games as a child because what I played looked like someone vomited on a computer and then smashed it with a pipe-wrench. Read more »

Blah Blah Blah

I'm rich!

I’ve got a lot of things to write about tonight, but try as I might, I cannot find a common thread to link them all together. And you know what? I don’t fucking care. Narratives are for fucking pussies or people that write books, and even then they aren’t worth shit half the time. What was the narrative behind Twilight, for instance? Vampires are cool? That’s bullshit. I almost wish that vampires were real just so all of the fucking retards who liked Twilight would get the chance to walk in on a real life vampire converting their grandma into a dry, withered husk, or more accurately, a drier, more withered husk. Read more »

When You Need A Special Person For That Special Day

Someone give me an "Amen!".  And a cocktail.

It has come to my attention recently that many of my readers have either forgotten, or just did not know that I am a Man of God, which explains the general lack of groveling and tithing around here. Well, I am here to tell you that just because I became an ordained minister on a lark does not mean that I take my spiritual duties lightly. Why, just the other day, I damned some asshole straight to hell for cutting me off in traffic. I don’t fuck around, something you should consider when determining whether your 10% tithe is based on your gross or net income. Read more »

A Doorknob Named Kevin: A Digressive And Cautionary Tale On The Dangers Of Organ Donation

Pictured: Kevin

After people get to know me a little bit, one of the most common questions I am asked is, “How did you get into my apartment again, and why are there high definition cameras installed in my panty drawer?” No, wait, I was thinking of the other question: “Where do you run into all these weird characters you’re always talking about?” I’ve got a lot of stories, and it seems that more than a few of them involve people who are kind of odd ducks, so I guess that it makes sense that people wonder if I’ve been hanging out by the local sanitarium, or maybe I just like to spritz people with liquid LSD to make them a little more interesting. The answer, of course, is a little bit of both. Read more »

We Need To Talk

Ladies, I know that your lives can be difficult sometimes. Sometimes you find yourself walking in the woods alone, or frolicking with children, totally devoid of purpose because you are Without Your Man. But that doesn’t mean that you should sit on the couch, scarfing down bon-bons like Oprah on Easter morning. Don’t you want to have a good shape? He wants you with a good shape, goddammit. Stop porking the fuck out, and think of your man, for chrissakes! Otherwise, you’re not going to stick in his mind, and then what happens? Well, I’ll tell you what happens: One day you’ll walk in to find him elbow deep in your sister, that is what will happen, you fat, selfish pig. But don’t take my word for it. Listen to your good friends at the Coca-Cola corporation:

Look, Someone Started The Fire

Jesus! Just... Just no. (facepalm)

I pulled up to a red light the other day and the car next to me had the windows down and was absolutely blasting music. The guy sitting in the driver’s seat was rocking the fuck out, drumming his hands on the steering wheel, banging his head, and generally enjoying himself some goddamn RAWK. Nothing wrong with that, except that he was listening to Billy Joel. Yeah. You go, you fucking wild man. I’ll be honest with you, if he had reached down, picked a scab off of his taint and eaten it, it would not have lowered my opinion of him at that moment in time. Not in the slightest. Dude, Billy Joel?!? Read more »

Whippet Good

Tee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee!

My first experience with head shops came when I was 18 years old, a recently graduated high school student who was working hard over the summer to save up money for college. Or at least that’s what I told my parents I was saving the money for. In reality, more than a little of that money was set aside for something that I considered to be more important, namely beer and weed. (If that isn’t classic 18 year old thinking, I don’t know what is. What’s even funnier is that we allow 18 year olds to vote. How Bob Marley was never elected President is one of life’s enduring mysteries.) Read more »

Dogs On Drugs – Brought To You By Ragu

My first sponsored post. I am going to go wait by the mailbox for that big, fat check.

That Special Time Of Year

Not sure, why, but this video has become a Christmas tradition for me. I guess the appeal is that it runs counter to all the schmaltzy, Christmas treacle that is force fed to us for the last 3 months of the year. That, and it’s funny as hell.

Merry Christmas, everyone, and if you see a Chevy Nova parked near your house this season, give it a wide berth.

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