I usually think up ideas for a post during during the day. I’m pretty busy as a rule, but I always make time for a walk or two, and failing that I’ve got the commute home to try to come up with something. And almost always, some oddball thing will pop into my head, such as the last diary entry of Amelia Earhart (“I met a wonderfully friendly man today. Talked to him for hours. And when I told him that long flights are awfully dull, he gave me a couple of capsules of something called LSD. He said they would alleviate boredom without question. I can’t wait to try them on my flight to Howland Island tonight!”) I’ll flesh out a couple of things in my head, and then when I get home I’ll just mash on the keyboard, make a couple of random threats to local weathermen, and mix in about 80% dick jokes because, honestly, I don’t really have time for organized thought.
But what little planning I do was completely blown out of the water tonight when I sat down with my wife to watch The Hangover Part II, which sucked more ass than Elton John being sat on by Richard Simmons. Fucking BAD. Whoever the asshole was that green-lit this movie deserves to have raw meat shoved down his throat and starving weasels stuffed up his colon. Just a bad idea from the beginning, with even worse execution. And so by the time I sat down to write anything, the evening was gone, and so was what is left of my memory. What was I going to write about? The world will never know. It might have been kumquat parasites, or how String Theory predicts that Scott Baio masturbates with mayonnaise if he’s out of hand lotion (totally true, by the way).
So, although I want to write, I find myself out of ammo. And you’re gonna have to sit there and suffer through it or, you know, go back to looking at the albino alien posing on the cover of Playboy in this photo that is currently taking the internet by storm:
Seriously, what the fuck is up with this? On a good day Lindsay Lohan looks like a crack whore with mange. This photo looks like a crack whore with mange covered in white paint, photographed with a lens smeared with Vaseline, and then extensively Photoshopped to hide the tread marks in the crotch region. Playboy is supposed to be better than this. As any male who grew up in an era when hardcore porn wasn’t accessible via phone can tell you, the smut mags had a hierarchy to them. Playboy was supposed to be the classy mag, the one an urban, upscale sophisticate might purchase when he had a hankering to look at a vagina but didn’t feel like going downstairs to wake the maid to look at hers. Penthouse was dirty in the way that drunken monkey-fucking with a smashed, semi-conscious girl two truckers picked up at a bowling alley bar is dirty. And Hustler was so filthy it involved things that even prostitutes and clergymen don’t like to talk about.
So I guess because internet porn is probably killing Playboy, they’ve started getting into raunchier stuff to drum up a little business because you cannot convince me that Hugh Hefner looked at this and thought, “Wow, she is HOT!”
Now that’s a photo caption. When I die, I want that photo displayed at my memorial service and I want the oldest person in attendance to get up there and read that caption in front of everyone. That is a fucking keeper.
Ok, I’m going to leave it at that. I’ve reread this thing five times, and I still can’t remember what I was originally going to post. In the mean time I’ve considered mentioning that I am thinking about spending $20 to get Janet from Three’s Company to sign a headshot with the phrase, “Greg, Thanks for the herpes! Joyce Dewitt“. I’ve also considered writing an entirely new post without using verbs. So probably best I hang it up at this point. Sorry about the lack of focus, folks. Blame Bradley Cooper.
Hey I enjoyed Hangover II but I also get a kick out of your blog. Maybe I need to see psychiatrist.
I think it is well known in the psychiatric industry that liking this blog is a key indicator of mental health issues.
Caption GOLD. I did not know ecstasy came in 12-packs.
Totally agree on your analysis of the weak tea we called porn growing up. If you wanted nood ya had one option: sift through the trash on vacant lots. Those happy, tetanus-filled summers are long gone.
Where did Swank fit on that hierarchy?
Oh God, Swank fit in with the other second tier skin mags that had to use, uh, “models” of substandard quality. Nothing like having your porn include women with festering sores.
This: “When I die, I want that photo displayed at my memorial service and I want the oldest person in attendance to get up there and read that caption in front of everyone. That is a fucking keeper.”
Baby Jeesus truly loved you when he put that in your brain.
I’ve got a lot of ideas saved up for my memorial service. So many that I’m seriously considering faking my own death so that I can attend in disguise. Not sure my wife and kids would appreciate that, but hey, they’ll eventually forgive me, right?
The caption is one of your best. That girl (or is she a 50-year-old woman? It’s hard to tell) is a train wreck.
Personally, I think a lot of internet porn is grotesque. Even the dirtiest of old school mags seem tame in comparison. I used to co-author another blog, and we wrote a post that had nothing to do with porn or pandas, but it just so happened that both words appeared in it. From that day forward, we had at least one hit every day that came from the search term ‘kung-fu panda porn’. I still haven’t figured out what that is, but it sounds more interesting than Lindsay Lohan.
Yeah, among the many fucked up Google searches that resulted in someone visiting this site:
Carol Brady legs
Fucking Kylie Minogue
Brady Bunch cross-dressing
Carol Brady fucking
Dog parachuting in a bikini
Fucking on raft
Greg and Marica Brady fucking
Greg Brady rapes Cindy
Japanse sex drug fuck
Kid fuck in car
Sick fucking’ shit
The Brady Bunch gay pic
Tweakers that fuck for drug movies
Santa girls fuck his penis
And people think I’m obsessed with the Brady Bunch. (Oh, and “dog dildos”? Seriously?)
Oh Child . Even as I barely claw my way out of the stupor that is thera flu, dihareeah mouth (dont care how its spelled)induced illness, even I know you are obsessed with all that is brady.
Pandas need some distracting porn for their dates ore we’ll be out of them soon.
That is an excellent point. A better one is that any species so totally incapable of producing offspring that human beings practically have to do it for them officially sucks ass and deserves to become extinct. You hear that Ping-Ping and Suk-Suk? You best make with the motherfuckin’ babies!
Now a post without verbs…that would be awesome!
I guess if we all took enough LSD Bradley and Lohan would be interesting or at least a bit more of a giggle. But yawn to both.
However, your captain was brilliant…the best thing to come to the girl’s career yet!
She should totally put me in charge of her career. She may have made a train wreck of her life, and I may not be able to change that, but I would make it fucking entertaining at least!
“In top news today, Lindsay Lohan was detained for breaking into the Vatican and fingering the Pope while dressed as the Cookie Monster. She is expected to be sentenced to 14 minutes in jail, 6 months of house arrest, and community service in the form of giving hand jobs to the homeless.”
I do blame Bradley Cooper!
He put those balloons of X up Lilo’s a-hole (love that pic caption too!) and I’m pretty sure he also:
-Forced Rick Perry at gunpoint to make that homophobic campaign ad. Ok, it was a water gun and Perry was too dumb to know it plus I think he really believes that shit but still
-Is single-handedly responsible for the Kardashians’ success and inability to go the fuck away.
-took out any trace of a plot from Immortals, making a kick-ass action flick suck more than I even thought possible.
And don’t get me started on all the crap he’s currently stirring up internationally.
He also advocates distributing free condoms to crack babies.