If you are anything like me, you’re hiding in a display tent in the Walmart sporting goods department, drinking beer and eating Funyuns by the metric ton. You’re also insanely excited about the upcoming birth of the Royal Baby which, according to the Huffington Post is “looming”. That doesn’t sound right, if you ask me. This is a baby who is destined to be born into obscene luxury, not the spawn of Satan. The Huffington Post needs to stop being so inappropriate OR I WILL HAVE THEM BEHEADED AND PLACE THEIR BLOODY NOGGINS ON A PIKE, I WILL!
Sorry, I’ve got Royal Baby Fever, and find myself getting carried away rather easily. Last week I addressed everyone at work as either “Mum” or “Governor” for an entire day, which surprisingly didn’t annoy people that much although maybe that’s because they were too busy being upset about the fact that I was drinking stout in my cube all day long. Also I may have offered to “roger” a coworker. Anyway, the point is, stout gets you really fucked up if you’ve eaten nothing but fish and chips (and more stout) all day.
Since the sex, and hence the name of the Royal Baby is still unknown, people all across the globe are wondering, “Will it be a boy? Or a girl? What will they name the Royal Baby?” It’s exciting, sure, but everyone is forgetting the important things: That the baby is born with ten fingers, ten toes, and comes out darker than Whoopi Goldberg. Oh my God, can you imagine how fucking awesome it would be if the Royal Baby was born black? It would be the best scandal in the history of the universe. I WANT IT TO HAPPEN SO FUCKING BAD!
First of all, half of the Royal Family would instantly die of explosive decapitation. Their brains would just erupt. There would be a short, “Oh, dear!” followed by an explosion of brain matter, and the footage would instantly become the most watched clip on Youtube in the history of the internet, racking up 42 trillion hits in an hour, half of them coming from my house.
Then the British tabloids would kick into overdrive, resulting in horrifically racist headlines such as “Royal Jigaboo!”, which in turn would ignite another scandal, this one about how fucking repugnant the British tabloids are. In fact, the spin-off scandals would be almost endless, which would be half of the fun. Every day you’d turn on the news to find people somehow, impossibly, acting even more stupidly than they were the day before, ultimately resulting in crazy shit like the Royal Guard awkwardly breakdancing in front of Buckingham Palace to show sympathy for the very people the Queen Mum told them to shoot on sight just 48 hours before.
While discussing this dream scenario with a coworker today, he raised a very real possibility. “If the Royal Baby was born black, do you think we’d ever find out about it?” I’ve got to admit, he’s probably right. Seeking to avoid the Mother of All Scandals, the Royal Family would swap that baby out with the first buck-toothed, jug-eared baby they could get their inbred hands on. And they wouldn’t have to be very picky either. Take a look at Prince Charles and try telling me that they could do worse.
And then there’s the fact that Kate Middleton is a “commoner”. Wave after wave of “I told you so” would emanate from the ornate drawing rooms of the English upper crust, followed by a lot of sputtering, harumphing, and finally an ill-advised plan to “rid the empire of these brutes altogether” that would quickly backfire and result in the entire Royal Family and House of Lords being chased off the white cliffs of Dover to their doom. How fucking awesome would that be in HD?
How many hours a day would you devote to watching this ridiculous shitstorm on TV? If you answered anything less than a million, then you are a fucking liar, because it would be like a comedy version of the OJ trial times infinity. There would be no avoiding it. It would be so awesomely addictive that footage would be routinely beamed into operating rooms and funerals.
Look, I know that I’m not an English subject, and I tend to refer to them in less than flattering terms (“non-forking family tree, blue blooded Limey fucktards” comes to mind), but I ask so very little of the Royal Family. Is this too much to ask? No, as it turns out. Asking isn’t the problem. Getting a response is.
Date: July 9th, 9:17 PM
To: The Queen of England
Please ask Kate Middleton to start fucking black dudes on the down-low.
I am not a nut.
Dogs on Drugs
Oh awesomeness. I only envisioned the queens head exploding. Exploding en masse is much better! Please Kate, think of the children! (and our entertainment!)
Yes, if Kate doesn’t got on this immediately, she is SO selfish.
Until this very moment, my attention to this matter was exactly zero. I give no fucks whatsoever what those people are up to. Except now I really do. Thank god I didn’t cancel my cable!
I think your email broke their “Contact Us” link. *sigh* I was going to throw my full support behind your suggestion.
Huh. It’s working now. Did you know you can apply for a birthday message from the queen? Wish I knew that a month ago.
I’m thinking the Queen isn’t going to be wishing be a happy birthday any time soon.
I got the link to work after a couple of tries; I was thinking they were on to you and had taken down the site. But, no, silly me.
I noticed all the Windsors have the same contact phone number. Wonder what poor bastard gets the job of monitoring that phone line.
Yeah, I’m sure they get a healthy dose of English weirdness on that line. I’d kind of like to answer that phone for a day. I’m sure it’d be entertaining if it wasn’t your full time job.
I want to know if it’s a boy, will he be circumcised. WAIT! I’m not trying to start a debate, or be a giant creep!
Most men in the UK aren’t circumcised, yet, male members of the royal family are. I know Prince William is, I saw his dick.
Anyway, Kate Middleton (sorry, technically Mountbatten-Windsor) is planning a fairly granola birth, so it wouldn’t be beyond the realm of reason to think she’d not circumcise a son.
Also, if I were Prince William, I would insist everyone call me Baron Carrickfergus, and nothing else, bitches.
If I were Prince William I’d insist that everyone call me Thor Cunnilingus Saucybottom just because I could.
After a late night of insomnia and painkillers, I left a note for Husband declaring my new name to be Princess Brusselbustle. True story.
Take a look over on the right hand side of the screen. It is now official, Your Highness.
“I know Prince William is, I saw his dick.”
Is this from that telephoto pic of him peeing? I didn’t know about the royal family being circumcised, but that picture was the first time I realized how boys pee. And I am a 30-something married woman. I thought it was more of a firehose thing. Thank you Prince William for educating all of us about your penis! The royal family truly does perform acts of public service.
Sorry DOD – came over from Simian and now your blog is about Prince William’s dick.
Believe it or not, that’s a step up from the usual depravity I post here.
I know of the looming event from accidentally catching headlines, but I haven’t read anything about it. Much like the royal wedding craze, I don’t freaking care.
If she pops out a baby clearly not spawned from her royal husband, I will gladly subscribe to cable. And then I will watch the highlights of the royal heads exploding over and over again.
That seems to be the prevailing sentiment amongst thinking people (this side of the pond anyway): Don’t care unless it turns into a supremely fucked up carnival.
Huh. Now I feel a little bad for not caring about a royal baby, but admitting interest in royal heads exploding.
Omit the word “royal” from your comment, and I could see feeling bad about it. But with the word “royal” in there? I’m right there with you and I don’t feel bad about it in the slightest because fuck those wankers.
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