Ride Into The Dipshit Zone

I heard a Kenny Loggins song today because the radio station that plays in the common areas at my office is run by fucking sadists. Seriously, they play absolute shit even though research has shown a direct correlation between the number of times Fox On The Run plays and the number of people who show up at local emergency rooms with hot pokers jammed in their ears.

I’ve always felt that Kenny Loggins was a lightweight. I mean, Robert Plant sings about nailing groupies, Mick Jagger pretends he’s Satan, and the Who blew up their drums on stage. Meanwhile, Kenny Loggins complains that “Your momma don’t dance and your daddy don’t rock and roll!”. That’s like showing up at a coke party and sniffing a Sharpie over in the corner. No matter what Kenny Loggins does, it always comes across as lame, doesn’t it? Ooh, unless you want to ride into the danger zone! That sounds fuckin’ rad!

Anyway, this is the song I was forced to listen to: Whenever I Call You Friend, which is a duet with Stevie Nicks:

I’d actually forgotten about this song, which means that now I have to hunt down the DJ who played it and kill his family in front of him. I fucking hate this song, especially the chorus which is absolutely impossible to decipher without looking up the lyrics. “We go mowin’ lawns every night.” What the fuck does that mean? Do Kenny Loggins and Stevie Nicks have a landscaping business I’m unaware of? For the record, here is the chorus:

Sweet love showin’ us a heavenly light
Never seen such a beautiful sight
See love glowin’ on us every night
I know forever we’ll be doin’ it

Uh, yeah. Someone probably needed to sit Kenny down and teach him how to adult-size his lyrics because that sounds like a goddamn fourth grader wrote it. And this is why even Hall & Oates look down on Kenny Loggins. Even at their worst, Hall & Oates knew how to get down with some strange. Kenny Loggins would probably throw rocks at it.

It’s kind of funny that he was able to land Stevie Nicks to sing this with him. You get the feeling that it might have been done out of pity.

Christine McVie: Stevie, was that Kenny Loggins on the phone?

Stevie Nicks: Yeah, he wants me to sing a duet with him. Look, he sent over the sheet music.

Christine McVie: He knows how to write sheet music?

Stevie Nicks: Apparently. Check out the lyrics.

Christine McVie: … “See love glowin’ on us every night?” What the fuck does that mean? Has he been huffing glue?

Stevie Nicks: I don’t know, I think it’s kind of sweet. He’s been riding his bike in circles in front of my house, you know.

Christine McVie:  You’re not going to actually record this piece of shit, are you?

Stevie Nicks: I think I might! He’d be so excited. It’d be like that time I let a crippled kid take me to prom.

Grace Slick: I asked Kenny if he wanted to eat me out once, and he told me that “women have teeth down there”.

Grace Slick now. If she has teeth down there, they're likely to be dentures.

Grace Slick now. If she has teeth down there, they’re likely to be dentures.

Actually, Stevie Nicks did a lot of duets in the 70’s, including hits with both Don Henley and Tom Petty. Maybe Kenny was just trying to fit in.

Kenny Loggins: Guys! Guys! Hey, wait up!

Don Henley: What is it, Kenny? We’ve got things to do.

Kenny Loggins: I got Stevie Nicks to agree to do a duet with me! You know, just like you guys!

Tom Petty: So, what, this is like that time she let a crippled kid take her to prom?

Kenny Loggins: Ha ha, you guys are hilarious! No, I wrote this really groovy song. Here, I cut a demo with my mom and transferred it to 8-track. Listen.

(music plays)

Don Henley: That’s… uh… great, Kenny. But why does the chorus go, “She’s blowin’ Kevin on a Saturday night?”

Tom Petty: That’s not how it goes. It goes, “Three boats rowin’ in a porcupine fight.”

Kenny Loggins: No, it’s “Sweet love showin’ us a heavenly light”

Don Henley: What the fuck does that mean?

Kenny Loggins: I dunno… Girls? And… Doin’ it?

Tom Petty: Kenny, you don’t know shit about girls.

Kenny Loggins: I do too!

Don Henley: No you don’t.

Kenny Loggins: Yes I do, and I’m totally going to ask Stevie Nicks to be my girlfriend after we record this song, then we’ll see who doesn’t know about girls!

Tom Petty: I hope you’ve got a lot of cocaine, Kenny.

Kenny Loggins: Cocaine?

Tom Petty: Yes, cocaine. We are talking about Stevie Nicks.

Kenny Loggins: You think I should… I should give her a cocaine?

Don Henley: Oh yeah, definitely give her a cocaine. Maybe even two cocaines.

Kenny Loggins: I don’t know… Isn’t that against the law?

Don Henley: Of course it is. But you want Stevie to be your girlfriend, don’t you?

Kenny Loggins: Yes!

Don Henley: Then you’d better get with the program!

Kenny Loggins: But I don’t even know where to get cocaines!

Tom Petty: You’re in luck, Kenny. I’ve got four cocaines back in my tour bus! I’ll be right back.

(Tom Petty leaves)

Don Henley: We’re your best friends. You know that, right?

Kenny Loggins: Oh, man, I totally appreciate it! Stevie and I are going to name our kids after you!

(Tom Petty comes back)

Tom Petty: Here you go, Kenny. When Stevie shows up, just give her some of this. Here, why don’t you try some so you know how to do it?

Kenny Loggins: I… I dunno.

Don Henley: Dude, if you don’t do some too, she’ll think you’re a narc!

Tom Petty: You’re not a narc, are you Kenny? Because if you are, we’re going to have to kill you.

Kenny Loggins: I’m not a narc! I’m not a narc! Just show me what to do!

Tom Petty: Ok, Kenny, I believe you. Here, just put this straw in your nose and snort up a cocaine.

Kenny Loggins: (snort) Ouch! That burns my nose!

Don Henley: That’s how you know it’s working. How do you feel, Kenny?

Kenny Loggins: I don’t know. Kinda weird. Is my nose supposed to be bleeding this much?

Don Henley: The first time you do it, yeah. Are you starting to see shit, Kenny?

Kenny Loggins: I am! Wow! This is so great you guys! I can’t wait to go do cocaines with Stevie Nicks! You guys are the best!

Tom Petty: Ok, run along now, Kenny. You two lovebirds have fun!

Kenny Loggins: Ok, we will! Thanks again, guys!

(Kenny leaves)

Don Henley: Dude, why did you give Kenny all that cocaine?

Tom Petty: That wasn’t coke. I just ground up some fucking dry wall and put it in a bag.

Don Henley: That’s a shame. I was kinda looking forward to him showing us pictures of their kids, Donny and Tommy Loggins.