Ride Into The Dipshit Zone

KennyL

I heard a Kenny Loggins song today because the radio station that plays in the common areas at my office is run by fucking sadists. Seriously, they play absolute shit even though research has shown a direct correlation between the number of times Fox On The Run plays and the number of people who show up at local emergency rooms with hot pokers jammed in their ears.

I’ve always felt that Kenny Loggins was a lightweight. I mean, Robert Plant sings about nailing groupies, Mick Jagger pretends he’s Satan, and the Who blew up their drums on stage. Meanwhile, Kenny Loggins complains that “Your momma don’t dance and your daddy don’t rock and roll!”. That’s like showing up at a coke party and sniffing a Sharpie over in the corner. No matter what Kenny Loggins does, it always comes across as lame, doesn’t it? Ooh, unless you want to ride into the danger zone! That sounds fuckin’ rad!

Anyway, this is the song I was forced to listen to: Whenever I Call You Friend, which is a duet with Stevie Nicks:

I’d actually forgotten about this song, which means that now I have to hunt down the DJ who played it and kill his family in front of him. I fucking hate this song, especially the chorus which is absolutely impossible to decipher without looking up the lyrics. “We go mowin’ lawns every night.” What the fuck does that mean? Do Kenny Loggins and Stevie Nicks have a landscaping business I’m unaware of? For the record, here is the chorus:

Sweet love showin’ us a heavenly light
Never seen such a beautiful sight
See love glowin’ on us every night
I know forever we’ll be doin’ it

Uh, yeah. Someone probably needed to sit Kenny down and teach him how to adult-size his lyrics because that sounds like a goddamn fourth grader wrote it. And this is why even Hall & Oates look down on Kenny Loggins. Even at their worst, Hall & Oates knew how to get down with some strange. Kenny Loggins would probably throw rocks at it.

It’s kind of funny that he was able to land Stevie Nicks to sing this with him. You get the feeling that it might have been done out of pity.

Christine McVie: Stevie, was that Kenny Loggins on the phone?

Stevie Nicks: Yeah, he wants me to sing a duet with him. Look, he sent over the sheet music.

Christine McVie: He knows how to write sheet music?

Stevie Nicks: Apparently. Check out the lyrics.

Christine McVie: … “See love glowin’ on us every night?” What the fuck does that mean? Has he been huffing glue?

Stevie Nicks: I don’t know, I think it’s kind of sweet. He’s been riding his bike in circles in front of my house, you know.

Christine McVie:  You’re not going to actually record this piece of shit, are you?

Stevie Nicks: I think I might! He’d be so excited. It’d be like that time I let a crippled kid take me to prom.

Grace Slick: I asked Kenny if he wanted to eat me out once, and he told me that “women have teeth down there”.

Grace Slick now. If she has teeth down there, they're likely to be dentures.

Grace Slick now. If she has teeth down there, they’re likely to be dentures.

Actually, Stevie Nicks did a lot of duets in the 70’s, including hits with both Don Henley and Tom Petty. Maybe Kenny was just trying to fit in.

Kenny Loggins: Guys! Guys! Hey, wait up!

Don Henley: What is it, Kenny? We’ve got things to do.

Kenny Loggins: I got Stevie Nicks to agree to do a duet with me! You know, just like you guys!

Tom Petty: So, what, this is like that time she let a crippled kid take her to prom?

Kenny Loggins: Ha ha, you guys are hilarious! No, I wrote this really groovy song. Here, I cut a demo with my mom and transferred it to 8-track. Listen.

(music plays)

Don Henley: That’s… uh… great, Kenny. But why does the chorus go, “She’s blowin’ Kevin on a Saturday night?”

Tom Petty: That’s not how it goes. It goes, “Three boats rowin’ in a porcupine fight.”

Kenny Loggins: No, it’s “Sweet love showin’ us a heavenly light”

Don Henley: What the fuck does that mean?

Kenny Loggins: I dunno… Girls? And… Doin’ it?

Tom Petty: Kenny, you don’t know shit about girls.

Kenny Loggins: I do too!

Don Henley: No you don’t.

Kenny Loggins: Yes I do, and I’m totally going to ask Stevie Nicks to be my girlfriend after we record this song, then we’ll see who doesn’t know about girls!

Tom Petty: I hope you’ve got a lot of cocaine, Kenny.

Kenny Loggins: Cocaine?

Tom Petty: Yes, cocaine. We are talking about Stevie Nicks.

Kenny Loggins: You think I should… I should give her a cocaine?

Don Henley: Oh yeah, definitely give her a cocaine. Maybe even two cocaines.

Kenny Loggins: I don’t know… Isn’t that against the law?

Don Henley: Of course it is. But you want Stevie to be your girlfriend, don’t you?

Kenny Loggins: Yes!

Don Henley: Then you’d better get with the program!

Kenny Loggins: But I don’t even know where to get cocaines!

Tom Petty: You’re in luck, Kenny. I’ve got four cocaines back in my tour bus! I’ll be right back.

(Tom Petty leaves)

Don Henley: We’re your best friends. You know that, right?

Kenny Loggins: Oh, man, I totally appreciate it! Stevie and I are going to name our kids after you!

(Tom Petty comes back)

Tom Petty: Here you go, Kenny. When Stevie shows up, just give her some of this. Here, why don’t you try some so you know how to do it?

Kenny Loggins: I… I dunno.

Don Henley: Dude, if you don’t do some too, she’ll think you’re a narc!

Tom Petty: You’re not a narc, are you Kenny? Because if you are, we’re going to have to kill you.

Kenny Loggins: I’m not a narc! I’m not a narc! Just show me what to do!

Tom Petty: Ok, Kenny, I believe you. Here, just put this straw in your nose and snort up a cocaine.

Kenny Loggins: (snort) Ouch! That burns my nose!

Don Henley: That’s how you know it’s working. How do you feel, Kenny?

Kenny Loggins: I don’t know. Kinda weird. Is my nose supposed to be bleeding this much?

Don Henley: The first time you do it, yeah. Are you starting to see shit, Kenny?

Kenny Loggins: I am! Wow! This is so great you guys! I can’t wait to go do cocaines with Stevie Nicks! You guys are the best!

Tom Petty: Ok, run along now, Kenny. You two lovebirds have fun!

Kenny Loggins: Ok, we will! Thanks again, guys!

(Kenny leaves)

Don Henley: Dude, why did you give Kenny all that cocaine?

Tom Petty: That wasn’t coke. I just ground up some fucking dry wall and put it in a bag.

Don Henley: That’s a shame. I was kinda looking forward to him showing us pictures of their kids, Donny and Tommy Loggins.

41 Responses to “Ride Into The Dipshit Zone”

  1. Katy Anders says:

    Stevie Nicks sings the deep part in “Stop Dragging My Heart Around,” right?

    Or is it officially “Stop Draggin’ My Heart Around”?

    It seems like she should have had a duet with James Taylor somewhere along the way, but I can’t find any evidence that she recorded one.

    I’ll bet it’s one of those things they save until after the artists die… like the infamous Barbra Streisand/Johnny Rotten duet I’ve been trying to track down for years…

    • Greg says:

      It’s hard to figure out who does what in that song, isn’t it?

      “Stevie’s the one with the deep voice. Well, not that deep, but… Ok, her voice is raspy… Wait… Stevie is the one that blew Mick Fleetwood. I don’t know how you can tell who that is in the song, but that’s her!”

  2. Becky says:

    Oh wow. This is the best skewer I’ve ever seen about that song. Epic.

  3. Vesta Vayne says:

    Cocaines and dentata in one post? Sounds like a winner to me!

  4. Nico says:

    You write the best misheard song lyrics.

  5. Nico says:

    You realllllly need to stop monitoring my activities.

  6. Vonny says:

    I made it 33 seconds into that song, then I began wishing for a cocaine or some pots to clear my short-term memory.

    And I had to look up dentata. You and Vesta are so smart!

  7. I don’t even remember that song. I guess I’m lucky.

    • Greg says:

      Well you were until you read this. You’ll be sitting there one day in the not too distant future, and you’ll find yourself humming, “She’s Blowing Kevin on a Saturday night”.

  8. FourOClubs says:

    She loves showin us her slight overbite?

    He needs to stick to songs that evoke images of hip shaking hairy gophers.

    Wait. That’s the Grace Slick pic flashback Im having.

    Oh uh, gotta go back in the box. Daddy’s drunk again.

  9. MidLyfeMama says:

    I am not listening to that song. You can’t make me.

  10. CassieCros13 says:

    Never heard that song before this…

    Your misheard song lyrics are the best 😀

  11. LA Juice says:

    Sure Loggins sang about the danger zone, but as Stevie Nicks knows, all he’s ever really seen is the “Friend-zone”

    BaZinga!

  12. LA Juice says:

    also- what if the lyric was

    “Seed love glowin’ on us every night”?

    then we have proof of some disturbing, ah-“depth” to Loggins. like when Wayne Brady does skits on the Chappelle Show.

    • Greg says:

      I think the reason Kenny has problems writing lyrics is that he reproduces asexually, and so sex is completely foreign to him.

  13. LA Juice says:

    and finally, don’t you think Stevie nicks would have been much thinner if she were doing cocaine? Personally, I think that McVie and the skinny member of Heart was holding back on Gracie, Stevie and fatty Wilson (not the one of wilson phillips fame).

    ok I think I am done, its just that this was a faulking hilarious post….

    jooce-crest out.

    • Greg says:

      Stevie Nicks was on assloads of cocaine in the 70’s. She wore out the cartilage in her nose because of it. So I don’t know how she didn’t dwindle to Karen Carpenter-esque weight levels. Maybe she also had a cheeseburger habit we didn’t know about.

  14. […] Last Wednesday we revealed Kenny Loggins’ long-hidden drywall habit. […]

  15. beta dad says:

    I once roadied for Kenny Loggins. Sort of. Anyway, I helped set up his shit when he played at my college in exchange for $30, plus all the sandwiches and beer I could consume, and the opportunity to watch the big show for free. I tried, I really did. But I couldn’t make it through one song. And it was hard to resist the urge to smash all his guitars when we loaded out.

    • Greg says:

      Fucking awesome. My wife once worked for a home builder who was building a home for someone whose claim to fame was that he was Kenny Loggins’ bus driver. I would’ve built him an outhouse.

  16. Suebob says:

    Everybody cut, everybody cut…
    NO NOT COCAINE. DO NOT CUT COCAINE.
    Cut footloose! Because that makes perfect sense.

  17. […] few weeks ago, I made fun of Kenny Loggins, the Urkel of Rock and Roll. He richly deserved this, of course, as anyone who actually sat through “Whenever I Call You […]

  18. […] Ride Into The Dipshit Zone […]

  19. Jim O'Brien says:

    “Fox on The Run” is an awesome bluegrass tune covered by the likes of George Jones and the Zac Brown band ‘
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w3VBDOKbuug

    “Sweet Fox On The Run” is a piece if shit.

    Make note of the difference.

  20. Rikk says:

    At 0.22, coyotes in the neighborhood started howling

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