I am fucking wiped. I started the day needing a jump start because the battery in my Jeep is fucked. This is normal for Arizona. Car batteries usually last no more than two years because of the extreme heat. So you pay twice as much for a car battery for a warranty, it lasts a little under two years, and you get a new one for free. Which is the same in the end as if you just bought a battery when you needed one without a warranty. It makes no sense, like pretty much the entire automotive industry.

Because I had a hell of a time getting a simple question answered: Am I still under warranty? The phone number on the battery got me in touch with Jump Start Roadside Assistance who kindly told me that I needed Jump Start Roadside Administration. Jump Start Roadside Administration told me that I needed to talk to the battery’s manufacturer, Interstate Batteries (even though the battery had a Mopar sticker on it). Interstate Battery said they could help, but then decided that I had to call the dealership. The dealership told me, and I quote, “Who knows? Bring it in, we’ll take a look at it.” This did not fill me with confidence.

And so I dreaded going in there all day long because the last thing I felt like doing was getting in a huge shouting match with the general manager of a fucking auto dealership, because that would eventually escalate to me shitting in the glove compartments of several new cars, which would mean cops and tasers, and ultimately I’d wind up burning the place to the fucking ground after making bail and then fleeing the country. What a hassle.

I got to the dealership, and was told to approach a large bearded man at a desk, which I did. “I bought a Jeep here 14 months ago, and the battery just died. The battery is under an 18 month warranty, so I just need to get it swapped out and I’ll be on my way.”

“Do you have a receipt for the battery?”

“No, I bought the car that contains it. I didn’t think to get a receipt for every part inside the damn thing. It’s under warranty though, I just want a new one.”

“Yeah, we don’t do that.”

“Do what, honor your commitments? Honor promises you made to customers who paid you five figures for a car? Honor your word like human beings do here on planet Earth?”

I swear, I had one hand on the zipper of my pants, and I was about to go fucking foul a Chrysler Town & Country when someone with common sense intervened and informed me that my battery would be free, but I would have to wait ninety minutes for it.

“Good,” I said. “I’ll just be sitting here eating Taco Bell in case something goes wrong.”

Anyway, I was stressing all day about that encounter, and then it almost happened, but stopped just short of someone catching dysentery during a test drive. I should be happy, but it all seemed a bit anti-climactic, and now I’m kinda wiped and don’t have any motivation. So here, listen to this.

15 Responses to “Blerrrr…”

  1. Nico says:

    It was enough to think of you sullying a few cars.

  2. Becky says:

    I love your idea of shitting in glove boxes every time you run into an asshat in a car dealership. I swear that just might be part of hiring criteria. If it weren’t for the whole fleeing the country thing, I would totally be all over that. I will chew off a leg before I ever get a car serviced in a dealership – even if there is a warranty involved.
    The last time we bought a new car, they threw in oil changes for a year. Of course the nearest dealership with a garage was 30 minutes away. The wait was 3 hours (for a gawd damned oil change!) and I actually had to tell them that if they didn’t bring my car out in 5 minutes, I wouldn’t be able to pick my kid up from school on time and I would be kicking some of their asses for every 30 seconds I was late. They then told me I had 3 nails in a tire and it would also need to be replaced. Not in the mood for any more bullshit, I told them I’d handle it another day. Out came a manager who tried to tell me the oil change was 49.99. First and last time I ever threw a full on bitch fit, but let me tell you, it was epic. I did not pay for the oil change. My regular mechanic told me there was only 1(!) nail in my tire and that dealership closed down 2 months later. Never again.

    • Greg says:

      Yeah, dealerships fucking blow. I was at a dealership once (for non-car buying purposes) and a guy told me he could move me up to the next year’s model without my monthly payment going up. I told him that if he could do that, I’d be game.

      So then they tried getting me to pay $50/more a month. No. $40. No. $35. No. $75, but you can have a moon roof. Fuck you. They hassled me for over a month on the phone. FInally:

      Dealer: Ok, you drive a hard bargain, but I can get you out the door for only $32 more a month.

      Me: Not interested.

      Dealer: I’m sorry, can you explain to me again why you’re wasting my time like this?

      Me: (An awful lot of f-bombs ad other colorful language)

  3. Vesta Vayne says:

    Ugh, the thought of visiting a car dealership always puts me in a bad mood – can’t say I’ve ever had a good experience in one. Becky’s right, being scum of the earth seems to be a job requirement.

  4. B'Homey says:

    My last car died about five years ago. I made the bold move of not fixing it, but rather letting its husk rot in my garage where it is now home to all forms of wildlife. Not only am I providing a home for rats, spiders, and probably the odd possum or two, I have zero car payments, don’t have to park anywhere, never have to help anyone “move anything”, and don’t have to shell out $100+ to the State of Illinois to renew my plates. Ironically liberating, to say the least. ‘course, it didn’t sit well that I had just put on brand new fucking tires four hours before it died in the middle of fucking nowhere on I-57 with my new girlfriend whom I was trying to impress. She was, needless to say, not.

  5. CassieCros13 says:

    Shitting in glove compartments and fleeing the country…only auto dealers will drive a person to that brink of insanity.

  6. LA Juice says:

    Upper tanker for cars!! niiiiice.

    Glad you got your battery. Out here in LA-la, AAA will replace one for you on a routine visit for about $125. So I just try to park in parking structures and underground as much as possible.

  7. Reanna says:

    Like B’Homey, I’m living well without having replaced my car as well… but I’m also pissed as hell about dropping $3K on it a month before it was written off, and not getting all that money back from insurance. I wish I’d thought to shit in the insurance dude’s desk drawer.

    Oh… and your Taco Bell line – beautiful.

    • Greg says:

      Don’t get me started on insurance companies.

      Insurance asshole: We lost a lot of money when that hurricane hit Florida. We’d like the government to help us out.

      Senator: But you know the odds of a hurricane happening, and you set insurance premiums accordingly. So how is it that you lost money?

      Insurance asshole: Well, we’re incompetent. And we give our executives large bonuses. Plus, we’re assholes.

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