Our Long National Nightmare Is Sadly Far From Over – UPDATED!

Boo! Go back to wherever the fuck it is you're from, you has-beens!

For those of you who follow this blog and have somehow managed to avoid forcible incarceration in a room with rubber walls, it will come as no surprise to you that I am asking bands to make me sandwiches. That’s normal and expected behavior for me, and unless I am subject to forcible incarceration myself it will probably continue. One day I’m petitioning Congress to declare February 16th National Avocado In Your Pants Day, and the next day I’m asking all blind people to wear sombreros. That’s just how it goes. Sunrise, sunset.

The Great Sandwich Crisis, as it shall henceforth be named, began in this post when I made the following throwaway joke:

“Greg, if you’re filthy rich, why don’t you get a good band to play for you?” Oh, I’m not above paying good money for a good band. For instance, I imagine conversations like this will be commonplace around my house:

Friend: Dude, is that Styx’s tour bus out front?

Me: Yeah, I got hungry so I hired Styx to make me a roast beef sandwich.

Only my meds were long gone and it turned out not to be a throwaway joke because I couldn’t resist actually asking Styx to make me a roast beef sandwich via Twitter:

@STYXTheBand: How much to make me a roast beef sandwich? This is a serious request.

THIS serious.

THIS serious.

I guess I really didn’t expect a response from them because let’s face it, they’re probably in the studio, or hard at work on tour, or crotching endangered species and smuggling them across the border (again). And they didn’t respond, even after I upped the ante with an email:

[…]Look, I know I put you on the spot and that if you let people know you’re available for hire to make roast beef sandwiches, where will it stop? One day you’re making me a roast beef sandwich, the next you’re smearing nutella on Oprah’s toes. No one wants that. I totally understand. But I’m getting hungry and I need an answer soon. How much to make me a roast beef sandwich? You don’t all have to be there, just Tommy and J.Y. And I’ll totally keep it on the down low. But if you don’t answer, I’m afraid I will have to get aggressive and start telling people that secretly you all wear Mr. Roboto underwear. […]

No answer. Those fuckers. Finally, I mentioned in this post that…

[…] All I know is that if they don’t get back to me soon I will have no choice but to ask Foreigner what they’d charge to make me a Reuben. […]

And yesterday I finally lost my patience and carried through on one of my threats:

@TheKellyHansen How much would it cost to have Foreigner make me a Reuben sandwich? This is a serious request. Fucking Styx never answered

And Foreigner, being the class act that they obviously are, responded relatively quickly:

@DogsOnDrugs if you have to ask, you can’t afford!

Well, I'm concerned I might not have enough on me. I might need to dip into petty cash.

Well, I'm concerned I might not have enough on me. I might need to dip into petty cash.

Oooh, them’s fightin’ words, Foreigner lead singer Kelly Hansen! So here is what I am proposing: I will start an online fund that people can donate money to. When the fund reaches $20,000 two things will happen:

  • Foreigner will make me a Rueben
  • I will donate the entire $20,000 to Speedway Children’s Charities, a charity that Foreigner has graciously done work with in the past.

But I want to be crystal clear on this point: That money goes nowhere until the Rueben hits my mouth. I’ve been burned before, you know. One time I gave Joyce Dewitt from Three’s Company $47,000 to give me a foot massage and tuck-point my chimney, and she never even bothered to show up! Really makes me wonder if that guy in the alley was really her manager.

So for now, hold the phone. We’re going to give Foreigner a chance to respond to my proposal. If they don’t, well let’s just say that I’ve got a hankering for some tacos and a little band named ZZ Top might just be able to help me out.

Update: The negotiation continues:

@DogsOnDrugs no way, that a free lunch for u. How bout, charity raises 10k, you ADD 10k, then you get Rueben. Put up or shut up! Last chance

And my reply…

@TheKellyHansen 10k? C’mon, I don’t sell seats for $300 a pop. 19.9K raised, $100 from me. That’s a $100 sammich. Not free.

Sadly, the negotiations hit an impasse at this point:

@DogsOnDrugs Move on to ZZ. Have a good one.

Let the record reflect that Foreigner hates charity and wants sick children to die. (Ok, not really, but c’mon! I bet Lou Gramm would’ve done it.)