Archive for the ‘Brilliant Ideas’ Category

How To Assemble A Tent

Not pictured: Bill, Mike, Mike's mom...

When I was young, I spent a lot of time in the woods. I lived in semi-rural Illinois, and so there were a lot of woods to be had. It wasn’t like Siberia or anything, with 5,000 miles of trees separating every couple of vodka-swilling drunks, but pretty much everywhere you looked, there was at […]

Lincoln, Lincoln, I’ve Been Thinkin’…

Abraham Lincoln could use some thigh sanitizer.

I’m going to come right out and say it: I’ve spent an inordinate amount of time this last month trying to calculate how many people have gotten laid in Abraham Lincoln’s lap at the Lincoln Memorial. Oh, stop looking at me like that. Like you haven’t given it some thought. I suppose next you’ll tell me […]

On Addiction

What is that?  Maybe it's Maybeline!

You know what show is a goddamn hoot? My Strange Addiction. The concept is simple: They select people with strange addictions and televise a few days of their lives so you can sit there on the couch, laughing at other people’s deep seated psychological issues. Hey, everyone loves a good train wreck, and if the passengers […]

On Sausages, The Importance Of Keeping Hydrated, And Being Mean To The Help

Pig dicks in vomit sauce

I found myself nauseated in the grocery store today. Normally if I feel nauseated in the grocery store, it’s because I’m in the potted meat aisle. There is something inherently wrong with potted meat, and if the lack of refrigeration and sci-fi-like expiration dates (“Best before 2112!”) don’t put you off, the contents should. A friend of mine […]

Deep In The Heart Of Sex Act

I guess you're excused if you don't know how to read

I was sitting in traffic today, stuck behind a large Cadillac with Texas plates when it dawned on me that the state of Texas should really have an additional letter in it. Specifically, it should have the letter “C”, because if it did, then you could rearrange the letters in Tecxas to spell “Sex Act”, […]

O Christmas Tree!

It's that magical time of year, when everyone in the store is even more of an asshole.

I’ve been thinking a lot about Christmas trees lately, and not just because they’ve been rammed down my fucking throat since Halloween. Seriously, this three months of Christmas bullshit has to stop. I propose that anyone caught putting up Christmas decorations before Thanksgiving be placed in the stocks, and then we turn Rudolph loose on […]

Cyber Monday!!!

Operators are standing by. Doing nothing. Because cyber.

If you’re anything like me, you’re woefully unprepared for the holidays. They come up on you so fast! One minute you’re celebrating Halloween with a carafe of grain alcohol, and the next you’re waking up on a snow covered lawn littered with empty whiskey bottles and lifeless hookers. You don’t know where your family is, let […]

Let’s Fuck With Archaeologists!

(stifles a giggle)

In 1916 a ship, the SS Mount Temple, was crossing the Atlantic bound for Liverpool England with a wartime cargo consisting of horses and 22 cases of dinosaur fossils because… Well, because the SS Mount Temple originated from Montreal, and you know how those crazy Canucks like to hit the sauce. “World War I has […]

Yo Quiero ID!

Mmmm... Tacos...

Long time reader, hall of fame commenter, and eagle-eyed reader B’Homey sent me an article this morning which has one of the best headlines I’ve ever read: Man Offers Police Taco as Identification. There goes the old high score on the Breathalyzer!

Succeeding At Failure

Me. Not pictured: You.

I’m often pulled aside by people on the street who want to know how I do it. “Greg,” they’ll say, “you are wealthy, charismatic, and successful beyond imagination. What is your secret?” I laugh when they ask this question. Then I slug them in the gut and take their wallet, because you don’t become wealthy […]

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