Archive for the ‘Random Funny Shit’ Category

Things To Do At The Mall

Why does everyone look confused as shit in this photo?

The shopping mall is a uniquely American experience. Oh, sure, other countries have malls, but they’re really fucked up. I was at a shopping mall in Mexico, for instance, and the mall cops there having fucking Uzis. That’s not cool. Here in America, the mall cops have pepper spray, which is much safer. Well, safer for […]

I Hear Old People

Little one?

You will be happy to know that my long running streak of receiving accidental phone calls from the elderly is now at two. Last October, if you’ll recall, I received a wrong number voice mail from an old man named Ben who hails from Canada and is the most insanely polite person I’ve ever talked to. […]

Ok, This Is Bullshit

Suspended for two weeks without pay? Hey, it’s not my fault that I was asked to give a presentation without any guidelines whatsoever! This is bullshit.

Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch…

Cherry Bomb!

My life has been a living nightmare lately, and it’s all Joan Jett’s fault. Seriously, this isn’t like the time I blamed my indecent exposure arrest on the Trix Rabbit, which I now know was wrong, and that ultimately the person responsible for my actions is, and always has been, Pauly Shore. No, this episode […]

Chop-Socky!

Man, Chinese seniors are fucking spry!

When my brothers and I were younger, we went through a phase when we would spend an inordinate amount of time watching what we called chop-socky movies. These were Chinese kung-fu movies that played late on Sunday mornings when there was nothing else to watch. You know the kind of movie I’m talking about: Some poor […]

A Camping We Will Go!

Ahhh, the great outdoors!

I took my two sons camping a few weeks ago, a joyous and wholesome family affair which, with time and extensive therapy, we might someday be able to blot from our collective memory. It did not go well. It started, as camping usually does, with a rousing game of Car Tetris. I used to drive […]

The First Post Of Summer

Summer fact #47: Summer is when you see a Deadhead sticker on a Cadillac.

Eagle-eyed Dogs on Drugs readers will have noticed that I have taken some time off from posting recently. To them I say, go fuck yourselves. Seriously, you have eagle-vision? Gah, I am SO jealous. I am at the age where I can’t read the instructions on medication without the use of an electron microscope. Who […]

A Friend In Need

Picture an asshole with a clipboard walking down this hall. That would be Chuck.

When I was a freshman in college and living in a dorm, I frequently butted heads with a guy named Chuck. Chuck was what we referred to as a night clerk, which meant that he was a student but also worked for the University and helped to keep the dorm running. Usually this meant that […]

Awk-Ward!

WCCA serving the public by sucking incredibly hard.

You know what I miss? Cable access shows. For those of you too young to remember, it used to be damn near impossible for your average Joe to make a complete and total fool of himself in front of an audience of millions. There was no YouTube, there were no digital videocameras, and the bulky, […]

You’re So Vain

Every time you think that contemporary music has hit a new low (Steven Tyler recording a country album, for instance) remember, there have been worse ideas. Not much worse, but still…

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