I spent some time today discussing hamburgers and other fast food abominations with a group of self-appointed experts in the field, when the topic of foreign McDonald’s menu items came up. I knew that the McDonald’s experience varied from country to country somewhat, and you could get a beer at McDonald’s in Germany, rice in Japan, or intestinal bleeding in Mexico, but I had no idea the wide range of oddball fucking products they have to offer. So come with me, if you will, on an educational, international, gastronomical journey that I like to call McWhatTheFuck?
What the fuck is it? The Maharaja Mac
Where the fuck can you get it? India
Why the fuck does it exist? Because in a country where cows are sacred, there’s not a whole lot of beef eatin’ going on.
Would I eat it? Fuck no. Chicken smacks of health food, and if I feel like eating healthy, I’m sure as fuck not going to McDonalds. However, the Maharaja Mac was originally made from lamb, and I will eat lamb until I fucking explode if given the chance. I don’t care that it comes from cute, fluffy, adorable lamby-wambys. I will tear their heads from their poofy bodies with my teeth to get down on some fucking lamb. And that’s probably why they decided to go with chicken instead. Us lamb eaters are a bit fucking crazy.
What the fuck is it? The McHotdog Mega Breakfast Sausage
Where the fuck can you get it? Across Asia and any other place that doesn’t understand what fucking breakfast is
Why the fuck does it exist? To serve as an opening for a prank involving breakfast and a penis on a tray
Would I eat it? Fuck and no. If someone slapped one of those things on my plate first thing in the morning, I’d fucking flip out. It just looks wrong.
What the fuck is it? Bacon Potato Pie
Where the fuck can you get it? Japan
Why the fuck does it exist? Because we needed proof that a benevolent God does, in fact, exist.
Would I eat it? It is deep fried mashed potatoes and bacon. Not only would I eat it, I’m pretty sure I’d make sweet, sweet love to it.
What the fuck is it? The Double Beef Prosperity Burger
Where the fuck can you get it? Malaysia
Why the fuck does it exist? Because who doesn’t like a side of prosperity with their beef?
Would I eat it? It’s basically a pepper steak on a bun, so I think I would eat it. But isn’t it Malaysia that canes people? or maybe that’s Singapore. I don’t know. Anyway, given my propensity to drink and violate numerous local ordinances, I’d probably never be stupid enough to travel to a country that takes their laws so fucking seriously. But if I did, I guess I’d eat one of these. Sitting down.
What the fuck is it? The Kiwiburger
Where the fuck can you get it? New Zealand
Why the fuck does it exist? Because McDonald’s uses the citizens of New Zealand as test subjects.
Would I eat it? Here are the ingredients: A beef patty, an egg, beetroot, cheese, onions, tomato sauce, and mustard. Beetroot. I don’t have a lot of hard and fast rules in my life, but one of them is to never eat a food with a name as disgusting as beetroot.
What the fuck is it? The Samurai Porkburger
Where the fuck can you get it? Thailand
Why the fuck does it exist? Because McDonald’s has decided that there aren’t enough traumatic things in the world.
Would I eat it? Hell no, look at that fucking thing. It looks like it’s about to eat you!
What the fuck is it? The McHomard, or for us English speakers: The McLobster
Where the fuck can you get it? Canada
Why the fuck does it exist? Because Canadians like to pretend that they’re just like Americans and then go and do something fucking crazy like this.
Would I eat it? I currently have dual citizenship, being a citizen of both the United States and Canada, so I’m very familiar with Canadian eccentricities such as putting vinegar on fries (delicious!) or drinking so much Molson at a hockey game that you wind up sliding on your naked ass into the goal between periods (fun!), but I draw the line at eating seafood in McDonald’s simply because I suspect that the “lobster” in this meal is ground up Filet-O-Fish sandwiches that have been dyed red. Either that or goldfish.
What the fuck is it? The Bacon Roll
Where the fuck can you get it? England
Why the fuck does it exist? Because English food comes in two varieties: Food that you can only consume drunk, and food that you can use to break someone’s skull with. This is both.
Would I eat it? Oh, no fucking way. A hard roll, bacon, and ketchup? That’s not a meal, that’s college-style desperation.
What the fuck is it? The Corn Bowl
Where the fuck can you get it? Hong Kong
Why the fuck does it exist? This is clearly a prank.
Would I eat it? Nope.
What the fuck is it? Le CroqueMcDo
Where the fuck can you get it? Not New Jersey, that’s for fucking sure.
Why the fuck does it exist? Because the French cannot stand themselves if they don’t put their own, haughty spin on things. This is basically a grilled ham and cheese sandwich with a wildly effeminate name designed to make tourists sound like complete assbags when they order it. “Uhhh, yeah, I’d like a… uhhh… CrockMickDoo and a liter of wine. What? Why are you laughing at me?”
Would I eat it? Only in one circumstance: I’d gather four or five loyal friends, we’d arm ourselves with handguns and tasers, invade France, and after they surrendered I’d take a bite of one of these things under the Arc de Triumph. Then I’d spit it out and say, “This here CrockMickDoo tastes like motherfuckin’ bullshit y’all!” Because, you know, that would drive them fucking crazy. Then I’d go play paintball at the Louvre.
What the fuck is it? My Poutine
Where the fuck can you get it? Particularly drunken areas of Canada
Why the fuck does it exist? Canadian xenophobia. Canadians will tell you that it’s just “cheese curds on french fries covered in gravy”, but that’s just code for “Whip up another bowl of maggot stew for our dickhole American friend, Pierre!”
Would I eat it? If I was court ordered to eat this, I’d opt for prison.
What the fuck is it? McDonald’s Deluxe Breakfast
Where the fuck can you get it? Hawaii
Why the fuck does it exist? A breakfast consisting of rice, an egg, sausage patties, and Spam, the Deluxe is marketed towards that prized Hawaiian demographic: Really high people.
Would I eat it? If the pot was good enough, sure.
What the fuck is it? The Nurnburger
Where the fuck can you get it? Germany
Why the fuck does it exist? Because there is a crippling shortage of rolls and hot dog buns in Germany
Would I eat it? Fuck yeah. I love German food, especially after drinking a lot of German beer.
What the fuck is it? Sausage, Egg, and Twisty Pasta
Where the fuck can you get it? Hong Kong
Why the fuck does it exist? Because there is a market in Hong Kong for food recognizable to Americans
Would I eat it? Over an unidentified meal that’s still moving? In a heartbeat.
Important Notes: First of all, I should mention that I’ve spent a lot of time poking fun at McDonalds, a popular and wonderful eating establishment that employs a metric fuckton of lawyers (or, in scientific terms, 1 Mega-asshat). All of the above are jokes. You should eat every fucking meal from now until the end of time at McDonalds. Also, Morgan Spurlock is a fucktard.
I should also note that I leaned rather heavily on two sites for pictures and info related to the 100% not true, constitutionally protected forms of speech listed above: Food Network Humor and the Chicago Tribune Business Section. You should go to both of these sites, click on all of their advertisements, and offer them your sexual services if, you know, they’re into that kind of thing (they are).
Please make sure you wait for the Bacon Potato pie to cool down before you make sweet love to it – wouldn’t want you to burn your shlong.
Luckily, mine had cooled down while we were out for dinner and a movie.
No McKroket? Just what you want after visiting a coffee shop in Amsterdam.
That’s also known as a McAloo Tikki in India. There is SO much stuff I didn’t cover, like Chicken Porridge with onions (Malaysia).
My husband was in Manila earlier this year and said McDonald’s was packed 24/7. They had a spaghetti meal, and also sold baloots.
You want fries with that?
No, I’ll have a half-hatched chicken instead, thanks!
Hahaha, so you know about Balut, huh? Someone I work with just volunteered to go to Manila, and I asked her if she’d be trying Balut. She didn’t know what it is, so I sent her a link. I got back the word “EWWW” with roughly 200 exclamation marks.
I hate everybody 🙁 🙁
Even unborn baby ducks? Then balut is for you!
Bwa ha ha ha. I love the one about the French. Yeah, and thanks for making me gag at the site of poutine. I was trying to get through the rest of my life without seeing that shit. Asshole.
The Maharaja burger is actually quite good. Yes, Indians don’t do cows (or eat them, ha!) but the chicken is much better than the US. It’s chunks of dark meat held together by spicy sauce. That and Indians LOVE mayonnaise. So…all heart attack and less healthy.
I knew I’d be hearing from you on this!
As for poutine, see balut in the comment above. By comparison, poutine’s not so bad.
God damn it. I had to tempt fate, didn’t I. That is some disgusting shit – and this is coming from someone who has eaten some pretty weird stuff.
Wow. By comparison, the McDonald’s in south Africa weren’t that bad. The coffee was instant, which sucked, but really, it all tasted relatively McDonaldsish. We had the corn too.
I blame all my spelling and punctuation errors on my iPad.
I blame mine on the DT’s.
Instant coffee? Don’t they grow coffee in South Africa? (looks it up, they do). Why the fuck would they use instant coffee?
EVERYBODY drinks instant coffee there! You whip out the real coffee maker and they look at you like you’re a spoiled American. Everyone claimed they DIDN’T grow it there but I suspect that’s because no one over 35 used the Internet.
Ok, apartheid was the most fucked up thing about South Africa. This is number two.
AWESOME! i would definitely try the maharaja burger thingy…i heard it was actually good.
I’d probably give it a shot too. I’ve been known to try a lot of wacky foods, and that would be tame by comparison.
I don’t know what you are talking about, beetroot is awesome
My girlfriend is from Hong Kong and she is nuts about corn. i don’t get it either. its just corn so I wouldn’t be surprised if the HK Micky D’s thought about a corn bowl
I don’t know what you’re talking about, but you are WRONG! Beetroot is awful because it sounds awful. That is science fact.
Philistine. Picture it as a slice out of a can of Delmonte beets then. That should take the fear factor out of it for you.
And it is awesome in a hamburger; leaves you with that indelible purpley stain down the front of your shirt.
Auuuuuggggghhhhh! No! It sounded horrible enough before I even knew what it was!
Under no circumstances will I eat anything with beets. Beets are assholes of the food world and I’m pretty sure they have a friends with benefits relationship with kale and brussels sprouts. Assholes.
All real hamburgers down here have beetroot on them. Makes them even more awesome. I even juice beetroots with celery and apples – yum.
I can’t eat McChunder at all. After not having any in ages, I had breakfast there once last week and spent the rest of the day feeling like I’d licked up my puppy’s vomit.
While I couldn’t disagree with you more on the subject of beetroot, Brennan, I will wholeheartedly agree with you about the “food” at McDonald’s. I avoid it as much as humanly possible. I’ve gone well over a decade without having to touch it. Then I had kids, and you’re pretty much screwed in many respects when that happens, one of them being you have to eat at McDonald’s.
Are you a new McDonald’s sponsor?
I can’t even tell you how sick to my stomach I feel right now.
What in the fucking fuck?!!!! Good god junk food is so fucked up. I absolutely think that the the mclobster is made out of goldfish. Stolen from some kid’s toilet when they died.
An awful secret that out of all the meat I no longer eat, the only meat I really miss is little baby lamb chops. Salami too. But also lamb. It is absolutely awful how delicious lamb is.
Honestly though, what the meat-packing and fast food industry does to chickens is abominable and I would vote those people/workers/companies off the planet in a heartbeat.
Also I think you are right about poutine. I’m no idiot, Canucks, you can’t fool me!
The Samurai Porkburger makes me want to shit my pants.Something that I’ve never done. Something that I’m sure I would do if I ate any of this crap.
The Samurai Porkburger looks like he’d tell you himself that he doesn’t care if you shit your pants. Then he’d eat your cat. The Samurai Porkburger doesn’t take shit from anyone.
I currently live in China.. And they have the weirdest pies here!! Instead of apple pie.. They have Taro Pie (Taro is basically a starchier potato..), Pineapple and Banana.
Corn, chicken wings and hot dogs are included in the menu as well.
Also they have AWFUL burgers for breakfast. I think the worst is egg, pork meat and ketchup. And of course all the portions here are different. The medium cup is the small one in the US and the biggest they have equals medium size there. Also, the burgers are tiny!
You should do KFC edition.. They have even weirder shit than McDonalds!!
Egg, pork, and ketchup? I’m going to call my congressman and urge him to start lobbing nukes in that direction because that is fucking wrong.
What the fuck is that giant green thing in the Samurai Pork Burger? Looks like someone tried to slip a tampon in there and tried to disguise it as a vegetable.
I’m surprised McDonald’s does so well outside the US. Because it basically sounds like they go “so what is the most stereotypical thing we can take about this country, and add a “Mc” in front of?”
So you have all these things like McMaharaaja, McAloo Tikki, McArabia, McTibetanMonks, McEthnicViolenze etc. Alright, the last two weren’t true (please don’t sue me, Legion of Lawyers!)
A guy I was friends with as a kid is now a “Solution Architect” for the McDonald’s corporation, and I remember him telling me in passing that the product development is a hug fucking deal with absolutely nothing left to chance. So chances are, the McBalut semi-developed duck embryo has been severely focus grouped and market tested, and they named it that way for a reason, even if that reason winds up being “Because we’re evil”.
You can add almonds if you want a milky-looking smoothie or shake.
Now taking cinnamon will not give you license to eat poorly,
but the health benefits of cinnamon will help your body to
increase its insulin sensitivity by copying the
good properties of insulin. Take a glass of lukewarm water and squeeze half a lime in it.
these looks delicious to me
Even the poutine? You’re a braver man than I, Gunga-Din.