I spent some time today discussing hamburgers and other fast food abominations with a group of self-appointed experts in the field, when the topic of foreign McDonald’s menu items came up. I knew that the McDonald’s experience varied from country to country somewhat, and you could get a beer at McDonald’s in Germany, rice in Japan, or intestinal bleeding in Mexico, but I had no idea the wide range of oddball fucking products they have to offer. So come with me, if you will, on an educational, international, gastronomical journey that I like to call McWhatTheFuck?
What the fuck is it? The Maharaja Mac
Where the fuck can you get it? India
Why the fuck does it exist? Because in a country where cows are sacred, there’s not a whole lot of beef eatin’ going on.
Would I eat it? Fuck no. Chicken smacks of health food, and if I feel like eating healthy, I’m sure as fuck not going to McDonalds. However, the Maharaja Mac was originally made from lamb, and I will eat lamb until I fucking explode if given the chance. I don’t care that it comes from cute, fluffy, adorable lamby-wambys. I will tear their heads from their poofy bodies with my teeth to get down on some fucking lamb. And that’s probably why they decided to go with chicken instead. Us lamb eaters are a bit fucking crazy.
What the fuck is it? The McHotdog Mega Breakfast Sausage
Where the fuck can you get it? Across Asia and any other place that doesn’t understand what fucking breakfast is
Why the fuck does it exist? To serve as an opening for a prank involving breakfast and a penis on a tray
Would I eat it? Fuck and no. If someone slapped one of those things on my plate first thing in the morning, I’d fucking flip out. It just looks wrong.
What the fuck is it? Bacon Potato Pie
Where the fuck can you get it? Japan
Why the fuck does it exist? Because we needed proof that a benevolent God does, in fact, exist.
Would I eat it? It is deep fried mashed potatoes and bacon. Not only would I eat it, I’m pretty sure I’d make sweet, sweet love to it.
What the fuck is it? The Double Beef Prosperity Burger
Where the fuck can you get it? Malaysia
Why the fuck does it exist? Because who doesn’t like a side of prosperity with their beef?
Would I eat it? It’s basically a pepper steak on a bun, so I think I would eat it. But isn’t it Malaysia that canes people? or maybe that’s Singapore. I don’t know. Anyway, given my propensity to drink and violate numerous local ordinances, I’d probably never be stupid enough to travel to a country that takes their laws so fucking seriously. But if I did, I guess I’d eat one of these. Sitting down.
What the fuck is it? The Kiwiburger
Where the fuck can you get it? New Zealand
Why the fuck does it exist? Because McDonald’s uses the citizens of New Zealand as test subjects.
Would I eat it? Here are the ingredients: A beef patty, an egg, beetroot, cheese, onions, tomato sauce, and mustard. Beetroot. I don’t have a lot of hard and fast rules in my life, but one of them is to never eat a food with a name as disgusting as beetroot.
What the fuck is it? The Samurai Porkburger
Where the fuck can you get it? Thailand
Why the fuck does it exist? Because McDonald’s has decided that there aren’t enough traumatic things in the world.
Would I eat it? Hell no, look at that fucking thing. It looks like it’s about to eat you!
What the fuck is it? The McHomard, or for us English speakers: The McLobster
Where the fuck can you get it? Canada
Why the fuck does it exist? Because Canadians like to pretend that they’re just like Americans and then go and do something fucking crazy like this.
Would I eat it? I currently have dual citizenship, being a citizen of both the United States and Canada, so I’m very familiar with Canadian eccentricities such as putting vinegar on fries (delicious!) or drinking so much Molson at a hockey game that you wind up sliding on your naked ass into the goal between periods (fun!), but I draw the line at eating seafood in McDonald’s simply because I suspect that the “lobster” in this meal is ground up Filet-O-Fish sandwiches that have been dyed red. Either that or goldfish.
What the fuck is it? The Bacon Roll
Where the fuck can you get it? England
Why the fuck does it exist? Because English food comes in two varieties: Food that you can only consume drunk, and food that you can use to break someone’s skull with. This is both.
Would I eat it? Oh, no fucking way. A hard roll, bacon, and ketchup? That’s not a meal, that’s college-style desperation.
What the fuck is it? The Corn Bowl
Where the fuck can you get it? Hong Kong
Why the fuck does it exist? This is clearly a prank.
Would I eat it? Nope.
What the fuck is it? Le CroqueMcDo
Where the fuck can you get it? Not New Jersey, that’s for fucking sure.
Why the fuck does it exist? Because the French cannot stand themselves if they don’t put their own, haughty spin on things. This is basically a grilled ham and cheese sandwich with a wildly effeminate name designed to make tourists sound like complete assbags when they order it. “Uhhh, yeah, I’d like a… uhhh… CrockMickDoo and a liter of wine. What? Why are you laughing at me?”
Would I eat it? Only in one circumstance: I’d gather four or five loyal friends, we’d arm ourselves with handguns and tasers, invade France, and after they surrendered I’d take a bite of one of these things under the Arc de Triumph. Then I’d spit it out and say, “This here CrockMickDoo tastes like motherfuckin’ bullshit y’all!” Because, you know, that would drive them fucking crazy. Then I’d go play paintball at the Louvre.
What the fuck is it? My Poutine
Where the fuck can you get it? Particularly drunken areas of Canada
Why the fuck does it exist? Canadian xenophobia. Canadians will tell you that it’s just “cheese curds on french fries covered in gravy”, but that’s just code for “Whip up another bowl of maggot stew for our dickhole American friend, Pierre!”
Would I eat it? If I was court ordered to eat this, I’d opt for prison.
What the fuck is it? McDonald’s Deluxe Breakfast
Where the fuck can you get it? Hawaii
Why the fuck does it exist? A breakfast consisting of rice, an egg, sausage patties, and Spam, the Deluxe is marketed towards that prized Hawaiian demographic: Really high people.
Would I eat it? If the pot was good enough, sure.
What the fuck is it? The Nurnburger
Where the fuck can you get it? Germany
Why the fuck does it exist? Because there is a crippling shortage of rolls and hot dog buns in Germany
Would I eat it? Fuck yeah. I love German food, especially after drinking a lot of German beer.
What the fuck is it? Sausage, Egg, and Twisty Pasta
Where the fuck can you get it? Hong Kong
Why the fuck does it exist? Because there is a market in Hong Kong for food recognizable to Americans
Would I eat it? Over an unidentified meal that’s still moving? In a heartbeat.
Important Notes: First of all, I should mention that I’ve spent a lot of time poking fun at McDonalds, a popular and wonderful eating establishment that employs a metric fuckton of lawyers (or, in scientific terms, 1 Mega-asshat). All of the above are jokes. You should eat every fucking meal from now until the end of time at McDonalds. Also, Morgan Spurlock is a fucktard.
I should also note that I leaned rather heavily on two sites for pictures and info related to the 100% not true, constitutionally protected forms of speech listed above: Food Network Humor and the Chicago Tribune Business Section. You should go to both of these sites, click on all of their advertisements, and offer them your sexual services if, you know, they’re into that kind of thing (they are).