Murder, She Gropes
A while back, I sent someone a video of Angela Lansbury masturbating in a tub. Now, you may be asking yourself, “Greg, with all of the millions of videos of women masturbating in a tub on the internet at your disposal, why would you send someone a video of Angela Lansbury, of all people, furiously working her twat?” I did it because my brain is hard-wired for weirdness.
I’ve always been that way. I recently ran across a yearbook of mine from 1981, when I was in junior high, and I can’t tell you how many times the words, “You’re weird, but nice!” appear in front of the loopy girl-cursive signature of a classmate. It’s because my brain is designed to analyze any situation and pick out the strangest, least relevant piece of information and then immediately share this information with the (often horrified) people who happen to be nearby.
So when a friend mentions Angela Lansbury in a Tweet, I have no choice but to share with her a video of Ms. Lansbury playing Rock and Roll Finger Pie with herself, which I re-post here just to make sure I scar the largest number of people possible. (Incidentally, this video is not only NSFW, it is NSFCBSB (Not Safe For Consumption By Sentient Beings).)
I can say with a high degree of certainty that if you liked that video, you have a bowl of ribbon candy sitting on a doily somewhere in your house or a couple of screws loose in your head.
As further proof that my brain is on a mission to weird you out, here’s another fact I know about Angela Lansbury: She once signed a note that informed police that as far as she was concerned, it was a-ok if her underage daughter hung out with the Manson family. No shit. Look it up, that’s actually true. I guess she was too busy fingering her clam to be bothered with insignificant details like which mass-murderer her pre-pubescent daughter was currently entangled with.
Daughter: Mom! Is it ok if I…
Angela Lansbury: (from inside bathroom) Yes, yes, fine!
Daughter: Ok. Oh, and this guy, Charlie, he wants to know if we can cut the cat’s head off and use it…
Angela Lansbury: Fine, great, whatever!
Daughter: Also, do you know where we can get some…
Angela Lansbury: JUST LEAVE ME ALONE! IF YOU NEED TO BOTHER ANYONE, JUST GO NEXT DOOR AND BOTHER SHARON TATE, OK?
As you can imagine, having a mind that works like this can be challenging at times. I’ll be in a meeting at work and someone will mention something offbeat, like the Munsters. Almost immediately, I’ll bark out something unsettling and vaguely Munsters-related. “You know, the kid who played Eddie Munster was once arrested in the San Diego Zoo for fisting an otter.” I don’t know if that’s true, incidentally. It’s just an example, although it kind of seems like it should be true, doesn’t it? Feel free to spread that wildly entertaining rumor. If anyone in a legal capacity asks you where you got your information, just tell them Angela Lansbury told you so.
Since we’re back on the topic of Angela Lansbury, I decided to seek out even stranger Angela Lansbury trivia, and so I enlisted the help of the folks who run AngelaLansbury.net, which is billed as the “Biggest Angela Lansbury Fans Community On-line” (which is kind of like saying I have the most popular website in the entire world that is run from my office, but whatever).
From: Greg (firstname.lastname@example.org)
Subject: Angela Videos!
Date: Tuesday, June 11th, 6:28 PM
Dear Angela Lansbury Fan Website People,
Recently, I ran across this video of Angela Lansbury masturbating in a tub:
I’m sure you’ve seen it. In fact, I’m pretty sure you can’t achieve full release without it.
My question to you is if you happen to have any other videos like it? For instance, something with Angela Lansbury grinding on a washing machine, or perhaps pleasuring herself with a blender?
Please respond as soon as possible. I am not a nut.
Dogs on Drugs
100% true fact: The entire AngelaLansbury.net website was taken offline immediately after I sent this email. We’re onto you, Angela Lansbury fans, and we will not rest until you provide us any and all videos you have of Angela Lansbury fully engorged or, barring that, a video of Morey Amsterdam fucking a pumpkin.
Ok, where was I? Oh who fucking cares. Let’s have some more fun with Angela Lansbury:
From: Greg (email@example.com)
Subject: Angela Lansbury Club Website
Date: Tuesday, June 11th, 6:44 PM
I’ve been interested in Angela Lansbury ever since I found this video of her masturbating in a tub:
Hubba-hubba! Do you know if there is any truth to the rumor that she can crack open coconuts with her thighs? Also, what do you know about Morey Amsterdam and pumpkin-fucking? Because those pigfuckers over at angelalansbury.net have been talking shit about him for a while now, and if it is just a fabrication, I think it is JUST PLAIN WRONG!
Dogs on Drugs
All right, I guess we’ll see what kind of horrible reactions those emails elicit. While I’m waiting, I’ll cook up some fucking weirdness to ask Huey Lewis, that horse-faced douche-canoe.
You know, I told myself I WAS NOT going to click on the link, but I did it anyway.
PS – my dogs got really weirded out at the 2:15 mark.
You see? Dogs are smart enough to avoid Angela Lansbury. Why aren’t we?
You just can’t be fucking stopped, can you.
Oh, the courts have tried…
Angela Lansbury, Woman of MysterrrrrrRRRRALF
To be fair…
Now THAT is the Angela we want to see in the tub
Bingo. Where is that video? I’d even take the video with the washing machine or the blender.
Poor Angela Lansbury, now condemned to being linked with that godawful video. She is touring here now in Driving Miss Daisy. I’m telling you in case you want me to try to get you a couple of tickets.
Morey Amsterdam? Geez, I thought I referenced old shit.
If you get to see her backstage, see if she’ll autograph a vibrator.
Yes! Someone else knows who Morey Amsterdam is!
Morey Amsterdam never fucked pumpkins, just Pickles.
Ok, smart guy, what about Rory Calhoun?
Holy fuck. You just stole the rest of my childhood. Next thing I know, you’ll be confirming that the Facts of Life cast were all cartoon characters who didn’t really get fat… and that George Clooney actually has a personality. Crazy shit in this post of yours.
You left out the scientifically proven fact that Florida from Good Times was actually white.
The fuck? This is like knowing Jack and Janet got it on while Chrissy was twirling her hair in the kitchen.
Almost. Jack and Mrs. Roper.