It’s been a while since I’ve toyed with Al Gore. I used to enjoy lurking in the bushes behind his house and just when he was getting ready to go to sleep… BAM! I’d light a totally unnecessary campfire in his back yard and run like hell. “God dammit!” he’d shout, running into the back yard. “Do you know how much carbon this releases into the atmosphere?” And as he was putting out the campfire, I’d come around the side of his house wearing a hat with the word “PRESS” on the brim and snap his picture. “Wow, Mr. Gore! For someone who loves the environment, you sure do light a lot of unnecessary fires!” One time he got so worked up that Tipper had to come out of the house with a glass of lemonade and a moist towel. “Al, honey, sit down! You know what the doctor said!” I’d laugh and stroll off, saying my goodbyes over my shoulder. “See you, Mr. Gore! I have to drive my Hummer down to the paper to deliver this photo. This is front page news!”
Those kind of hijinks were fun for a year or so, but then I kind of lost enthusiasm. As the bad news started to leak out that the planet wasn’t nearly as fucked as ol’ Al said it was, he sunk into a weird despair. I came over one time and found him on the front porch, playing with a Captain Planet action figure that he’d pasted his own face onto. It was sad, really.
But you can expect to hear a lot more from Al Gore soon because (and hold on to your hats for this one, folks) HE HAS A GIRLFRIEND! Yes! A serious girlfriend, and not just a girl who’s being nice to him because she wants to see his notes from biology class. A real live human girlfriend! I know. I’m shocked too. Sure, he was married to Tipper for a long time, but we all know what the deal was with that…
Face it, she was loaded. They didn’t call her “Tipper” for nothing, you know. And when she woke up sober one morning to find Al whacking it to an issue of Field & Stream, she was out of there. So assuming this new girlfriend is not of the blow-up variety, this is big news. It’s not often that Al gets to inspect wetlands first-hand, if you know what I’m saying. (And if you do, please send me an email because I’m not sure I know what I’m saying.)
His girlfriend’s name is Liz Keadle and if you ignore the extreme Botox dome she’s rocking, she looks pretty good for a gal her age!
Nicely done, Al. We’re happy for you. Now stay inside the house and swap carbon offset credits with her, or whatever the fuck it is you wacky kids do, and leave the rest of us alone!
But you know he’s not going to be able to do that. Now that he’s got his confidence back, he’s going to redouble his efforts and he will not rest until we spend $192 quadrillion to convert our planet to yogurt-based power because if we don’t we are fucked flatter than hammered shit, people! And if you don’t agree with him, then YOU ARE AGAINST SCIENCE, MISTER!
So he’s going to need to be brought down a peg or two, if you ask me. Here are some ideas. I humbly solicit your additions to this list.
- Hire Aquaman to convince all the fish in the ocean to lie around, belly up. When Al Gore holds an emergency press conference to wet his pants and announce that he was right, all the fish then wake up and spell “Fuck you, Al!” in 500 foot letters.
- Eat a whole mess of Taco Bell and follow him around all day. Every time you fart, pay him a carbon offset credit of five cents. Every once in a while, hand him a dollar and say, “I got a big one brewin’!”
- Call him up, pretending to be Bono, and ask him if he wants to come over to listen to some music and stuff. “You know, just hang out!” When Al gets really excited, say, “Wait a minute. Who is this? Al? Oh, hi, Al. Sorry I thought I was calling Sting. See ya’!” and hang up.
- Plant incriminating evidence in the doghouse to make it look like his dog is behind recent petrochemical spills.
- Wear an Al Gore mask and run around your town, setting everything on fire.
- Wear heavy winter clothing and follow him around everywhere, constantly remarking, “Boy, I’m cold! Is it me, or is it freezing out today? I wish it would just warm up, you know?”
- Attach a huge thermostat to the side of the Grand Canyon, and wait nearby: You just know he’s going to happen by sooner or later and try to turn it down. When he does, run over and turn it up ten degrees, then smash it with a large sledge hammer.
- Drive a wood-burning RV everywhere you go, even to the mailbox.