The Pressing Need For A Time Machine

I may need help with my power bill.

It has long been known that the laws of physics, while limiting in some ways, often offer avenues to bypass these same limits. We may not be able to travel faster than the speed of light, but we can OD on cocaine, Red Bull, and jimsonweed and it certainly feels like we’re running faster than the speed of light. That cop that was chasing us? That donut-scarfing tub of authority is long gone. We are free to fly around the universe unfettered, at least until we run out of blow, or possibly wake up to realize that we hallucinated the entire thing in a novelty photo-booth at the mall. (It’s been known to happen.)

Another apparent limitation is that imposed upon us by time. We’re forever doomed to move through time in one direction, which is a real fucking pisser when you wake up hungover in bed next to someone who looks like their family tree includes both Quasimodo and Lassie. You can’t change the past, but you can change the future, so go buy some Plan B and next time try not to pick up a partner at a carnie convention.

Actually, however, the limitation on traveling backwards in time may be circumventable. You see, the laws of physics say absolutely nothing about disallowing time travel into the past.

Me: Laws of Physics, can I time travel into the past?

Laws of Physics: (says absolutely nothing)

See? (Seriously, physics does not proscribe travel backwards in time. If there is a principle or law that does, we haven’t discovered it yet. Whether this is because we’re not smart enough or because we’re too busy inventing things such as teledildonics is anyone’s guess.)

So we need to get our asses in fucking gear, because a whole host of terrible wrongs in society today can only be corrected with the judicious application of a time machine and a .45 automatic.

The first thing we’re going to do is go backwards in time and shoot Miley Cyrus’ great-great-great-grandfather right in the fucking melon. Why? Because of this:

(Warning: The following music video is not suitable for human consumption.)

Jesus, that really makes you weep for mankind, doesn’t it? I mean, fuck!

Ok, so let’s go over our plan again. We go backwards in time to assassinate Octavius Cornelius Cyrus to eliminate his lineage from the Earth once and for all. We are spared Achy Breaky Heart (the original song), Miley Cyrus and everything/everyone she has ever done, as well as Achy Breaky 2, easily the shittiest song since music was invented by the Rolling Stones over 40,000 years ago.

You may ask yourself why we need to go back that far in time. Couldn’t we assassinate Billy Ray when he was, say, five? As enjoyable and hilarious as that idea may be, I ask you to watch that video again. You didn’t do it, did you? That’s how horrible that video is. Now, keeping that in mind, do you really want to take chances on this? You need to weed out the modern day Cyrus bloodline so far back that it has absolutely no chance of rearing its ugly head in modern times. The last thing we need is some sort of bastardized offshoot popping up because we didn’t do things right:

Carson Daly: I’m Carson Daly, and today on Total Request Live, Cindy Cyrus is going to play a cover of The Devil Went Down to Georgia on the cunt-kazoo!

You may be wondering why I didn’t single out the alleged “rapper” Buck 22 in this video for retroactive termination. It’s unnecessary. If we take Billy Ray Cyrus out of the equation, this ass clown can go back to mopping up piss in the bathroom at Denny’s for a living.

Also, why in the living fuck is the crypt-keeper Larry King in this music video? Whose brilliant fucking idea was that? In what universe does this conversation take place?

Record Label Executive #1: We’ve got this video, and it’s ok, but it needs a little something.

Record Label Executive #2: Yeah, something to reach out and grab you.

Record Label Executive #3: Something to really appeal to kids!

All three executives:  (in unison) Larry King!

Nothing gets tweeners to part with their considerable disposable income faster than this guy.

Nothing gets tweeners to part with their disposable income faster than this guy.

Sorry, I got distracted. If you’ve watched that video way too many times like I have (I’ve seen it once), you’re struck with all sorts of questions, mostly of the “Why God, why?” variety. But this is no time to lose focus. The important thing is that we must stop at nothing to wipe out the Cyrus plague before it takes hold, and that means traveling back in time.

I’ve quit my job, consolidated my wealth, and have equipped the Dogs on Drugs Laboratory of Science and Barely Legal Teens with all of the equipment that I believe is necessary. I am moving forward on all cylinders in an effort to invent the time machine, and already I believe I’ve had some success: A quick, back of the envelope calculation (performed using advanced Calculus and hash oil) seems to indicate that Future Greg may have already made a failed attempt to assassinate the Cyrus forbear: I hurled a large asteroid at the Earth, but missed by 65 million years and killed all the dinosaurs. My bad.

Is flinging an asteroid at the earth overkill? Go watch the video again. You didn’t do it, did you? QED, bitches.

12 Responses to “The Pressing Need For A Time Machine”

  1. Rose says:

    Billy Ray looks super rad and hard-core. His mega-bad tattoo adequately hides his flubby-dubby arms.
    In 2050, I shall purchase a sex robot (I clicked on the teledildonics link) that looks just like him. If only there were a time machine to whisk me there!

  2. Vonny says:

    Don’t do it. The butterfly effect means your action could result in something far more horrible than the Cyrus girls or Achy Breaky 2.

    *watches video* Oh. Oooh. Go for it, Greg. Here, I’ll hold your hat.

    • Greg says:

      All right, this has bothered me for a while…

      The Puppies on Uppers (Commenter Hall of Fame) has always been reserved for great commenters who also leave a link to their own personal site. It’s a way of saying thanks by driving traffic back to their site, or failing that, improving search results by improving their Google PageRank score.

      And for a while now it’s bugged me that you aren’t on that list. But you don’t list a web site, and I’m notoriously lazy in adding people in any event.

      But this comment was so damn good it not only made me break my own rule, but overcome my considerable laziness. Welcome to the Dogs on Drugs Commenter Hall of Fame, Vonny. And enjoy it until such time as I nuke the planet in the name of a Cyrus-free earth.

      • Vonny says:

        Dude. Wow. Reading that, my jaw dropped and I sat here looking like a mouth-breather for a good few seconds.

        However, I’m a reader, not a writer. The only way to link to me is telepathically. 🙂

        • Greg says:

          You are correct to feel awed. After all, this is a group of people so select that not even Albert Einstein was able to crack its ranks. Think about that. I didn’t.

  3. Nico says:

    No. No is what I said to this video. No.

  4. Reanna says:

    I find it odd that “bluedildonics” is about Bluetooth technology…

    The worst thing about that video is that they couldn’t find enough girls with twerking ability willing to denigrate themselves enough to be in the video, so you’ve got a couple just bouncing up and down to jiggle their ass fat. The other worst thing is the child abuse – making that poor kid line dance all alone. Tragic.

    Where can I donate to the Dogs/Hash/Barely Legal Fund?

    • Greg says:

      Just hang on to that money for now. I’m pretty sure I’m going to need someone to bring it down to the police station to post bail with later. That, of course, assumes that they’ll even let me out on bail for First Degree Beheading.

  5. Vesta Vayne says:

    I couldn’t bring myself to watch the video. It’s too early in the morning for that shit.

    I think this post calls for a new poll. What would you go back in time and change? You know, other than exterminating the Cyrus family tree.

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