The Lost Dogs On Drugs Post

Way less fun than the show Emergency!

I had planned on writing a lengthy post this weekend, and I am here to tell you that it would have been the funniest thing you’ve ever read. Fuck side-splitting, it would have been side-evisceratingly funny. You probably would have died laughing, which doesn’t sound all that great, what with the dying and all, but you wouldn’t have minded and there would have been chuckles coming from your grave for months afterwards. But dear friend and Dogs on Drugs Hall of Fame Commenter Squatch put a fucking end to that. Read more »

A Friend In Need

Picture an asshole with a clipboard walking down this hall. That would be Chuck.

When I was a freshman in college and living in a dorm, I frequently butted heads with a guy named Chuck. Chuck was what we referred to as a night clerk, which meant that he was a student but also worked for the University and helped to keep the dorm running. Usually this meant that he worked behind the front desk after hours, when the real, salaried employees had gone home. And one of the tasks that a Night Clerk was responsible for was doing rounds, which meant walking around the dorm and making sure that nobody was doing anything Against the Rules, such as flagrantly smoking bongs and loudly jamming Pink Floyd at three o’clock in the morning. Why he had a problem with me, I’ll never know. Read more »


WCCA serving the public by sucking incredibly hard.

You know what I miss? Cable access shows. For those of you too young to remember, it used to be damn near impossible for your average Joe to make a complete and total fool of himself in front of an audience of millions. There was no YouTube, there were no digital videocameras, and the bulky, gas-powered camcorders of the era may have recorded video, but didn’t do anything in terms of delivery to an audience. This, for the vast majority of cases, was a good thing. And since there is no thing so good that the government won’t get involved and fuck it up eight ways from Sunday, the government created cable access shows. Read more »

You’re So Vain

Every time you think that contemporary music has hit a new low (Steven Tyler recording a country album, for instance) remember, there have been worse ideas. Not much worse, but still…

Ancient Chinese Secret

Calgon commercials, take me away!

It probably won’t surprise you when I say that a staggering amount of research goes into a typical Dogs on Drugs post. And by staggering, I mean almost none. Not quite none, of course. Sometimes I have to drink a lot of beer and spend inordinate amounts of time on YouTube. Sure, that sounds like fun but believe me, it’s really hard to pull this off at work. The last time I got caught, I was told in no uncertain terms that my job as a school bus driver requires that I remain sober and watch the road. At the same time! Jesus, I didn’t get a philosophy degree to put up with this bullshit. Read more »

How To Assemble A Tent

Not pictured: Bill, Mike, Mike's mom...

When I was young, I spent a lot of time in the woods. I lived in semi-rural Illinois, and so there were a lot of woods to be had. It wasn’t like Siberia or anything, with 5,000 miles of trees separating every couple of vodka-swilling drunks, but pretty much everywhere you looked, there was at least a small grove of trees, and as kids who lived in an era that didn’t have video games, they served as the backdrop for a large portion of our youth. We explored the woods, built tree-houses in them, and later on, in our teenage years, we used them as cover to get higher than Jesus. Man, did we like getting high in the woods. Read more »

Your New Polyester God

Now semen-resistant!!!

It’s no secret that I’m a fan of bad local commercials, and I’ve often posted some of the more memorable ones, such as the 80’s shitfest that is the Moo & Oink commercial, or the gloriously unhinged commercial for a foundation repair company that features a third rate Elvis impersonator on mescaline. But nothing short of a full frontal lobotomy could have prepared me for the awesomeness that is the 70’s Carpeteria Guy. Read more »

They Should Have Called Him Spalding

It's nice to see volleyballs of color getting jobs in Hollywood.

I was discussing the movie Cast Away at work the other day, because that’s what I do at work: Discuss fifteen year old movies. Oh sure, I’m paid to do other things, but who has time to do boring shit like perform brain surgery when you urgently need to find out what was in the FedEx package that Tom Hanks never opened? (Just kidding about the brain surgery thing. I’m not a surgeon, and in fact have several prank-related restraining orders in place to prevent me from coming within 1,000 yards of an ongoing medical procedure.) Read more »

A Conversation

I'm going to have to write you up for toys all over the floor, dad.

This morning, my sons (six and eight) woke up early, as always, and went downstairs to fix themselves breakfast. Sometimes I go downstairs and join them, drowsing lazily on the couch for an hour or two, and other times I lie awake in bed and listen to them, which is fun because they don’t know I’m listening and I get to hear the things they talk about when they think they are alone, things such as, “Farts are hilarious!” They are six and eight, after all. Read more »

Phil Collins Can Eat An Economy Size Bucket Of Dicks

Satan, Satan don't you lose my number!

I was sitting at work today doing, you know, the usual: Dropping a quarter million hits of LSD into the office water cooler. Normal Thursday afternoon kind of stuff, right? When all of a sudden I became aware of the fact that dear friend, fellow blogger, and the winner of the 2003 Nobel Prize for Chemistry, the very Reverend Back It On Up 13 was under attack. And not a fun attack, either, like when your body is being attacked by the Rockin’ Pneumonia, the Boogie Woogie Flu, or even Reggae AIDS. No, this was a concerted attack by that most terrifying of enemies: Phil Collins fans. Well fuck all of you male-pattern baldness loving motherfuckers, because I am not going to just sit around while a friend is under attack. Read more »

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