Are you lonely? Is there an empty void in your life that can only be filled by enslaving small woodland creatures? Have multiple lobotomies left you incapable of performing even the most basic of pet maintenance tasks? Have you been consuming lead paint chips like fucking Doritos your entire life? If you answered “Yes” to any of those questions, you’re probably going to want to start masturbating furiously because I have the answer to all of your problems: The Perfect Polly Pet!

Now, I know what you’re thinking: You’re thinking, “But Greg, I’ve been burned by pet substitutes before!” Hahaha, you asshole! How fucking stupid can you be? Wait, don’t answer that question because I could give a shit what you have to say: You’re not even a pet owner! Continue reading