Before we get on to what you missed during the week after you rekindled your romance with prescription cough syrup, a quick note to the douchebag driving a maroon Scion who missed my bumper by 6 inches on Route 60 on Friday: This is not The Fast and the Furious. You are not Vin Diesel. You couldn’t even spell Diesel if I spotted you the “D”, the “S”, and all of the vowels. And you are not driving a cool car, you are driving a fucking toaster on wheels. Stop acting like you’re a professional stunt driver. You are a professional asshole, of that I have no doubt, and the only way you’ll live long enough to become a professional human being is to chill the fuck out before you kill yourself or before I find your ass and rip it a new dual-exhaust tailpipe. (I’ll even throw in under-carriage lights.)

Asshole. Continue reading