The Week In Review
Before we get on to what you missed during the week after you rekindled your romance with prescription cough syrup, a quick note to the douchebag driving a maroon Scion who missed my bumper by 6 inches on Route 60 on Friday: This is not The Fast and the Furious. You are not Vin Diesel. You couldn’t even spell Diesel if I spotted you the “D”, the “S”, and all of the vowels. And you are not driving a cool car, you are driving a fucking toaster on wheels. Stop acting like you’re a professional stunt driver. You are a professional asshole, of that I have no doubt, and the only way you’ll live long enough to become a professional human being is to chill the fuck out before you kill yourself or before I find your ass and rip it a new dual-exhaust tailpipe. (I’ll even throw in under-carriage lights.)
Ok, on with the week that was…
- On Tuesday, I founded the Casey Anthony Skydiving School for Toddlers.
- On Wednesday, I taught people how to gawk at assholes like our friend driving the red Scion up there after they crash and fucking burn.
- Also on Wednesday, we watched Nicolas Cage lose his fucking shit.
- On Thursday we determined that 65,000 phone calls in one year is too many unless you’re Oprah and you’re ordering pizza.
- And on Saturday we discovered that there was a time when Mexico was known for something other than Cartel ordered mass beheadings: like playing the trumpet in a bullring while a dude on a bicycle tries to stab the bull in the fucking eyes.
And with that, we’ll head off into another week of wonder and joy. And by “we”, I mean “me”. And by “wonder and joy”, I mean “prescription cough syrup”. I’m going to drink prescription cough syrup.