Daddy is Fucking Cool

Now that's some top notch parenting right there.

A conversation I had this afternoon with my five year old son:

Him: Can we watch the video of you skydiving again?

Me: Forget that, let’s just go skydiving.

Him: Really? Mommy, can I go?

Mommy: No.

Me: Mommy’s no fun, is she? I have no problem throwing you out of a plane.

Him: Yeah, cause you’re cool!

That’s how it works when you’re a guy with sons: The more crazy and reckless you are, the more they worship you. I could found the Casey Anthony Skydiving School and spend all day throwing toddlers out of Cessnas, and they’d eat it up. Tell them to eat their vegetables and do their homework, however, and you become a giant tool.

Thanksh Daddy, you're the coolest!

Thanksh Daddy, you're the coolest!

So fuck that, here’s a list of things I’m going to promise to do with my two sons. Mommy will say no, so I won’t have to do them, but she’ll be the bad guy and I can kick back with a beer, covered in toddler glory. And piss and shit too, because toddlers piss and shit everywhere. But still…

  • Egg a police station
  • Go cow tipping
  • Smoke a fuckton of pot then watch the Blair Witch Project with all the lights out
  • Test fire some AK-47’s
  • Get involved in a high speed chase
  • Hold up a liquor store
  • Blow up a school
  • Ride bikes on the roof
  • Moon the President
  • Drive a funny car through a hospital zone
  • Steal a lion from the zoo
  • Juggle live grenades
  • Flamethrower practice at the nearest lumber yard

It’s not that I’m a bad parent. I know, deep down inside that I need to protect my children from harm. I’m the type of guy who knows, when his child skins his knees, to spray a little lemon scented Pledge on there. But pretending to be a horrible parent in front of my kids gives me some serious street cred. And I’m taking that to the motherfucking bank. In a funny car.

Junior, welcome to Flavor Country.

Junior, welcome to Flavor Country.

6 Responses to “Daddy is Fucking Cool”

  1. Vesta Vayne says:

    Well, that’s just the way it goes. Our friends have two boys, and she calls her husband Disneyland Daddy because the kids are monsters when she makes them do their homework but all happy happy joy joy when he’s around.

    On another note, apparently I too am a giant tool, because I have never heard of lemon-scented pledge for skinned knees. I actually googled it…yes, TOOL!

    • Greg says:

      Don’t be so hard on yourself. At least you know about the Brillo pads and Astroglide. You do know about the Brillo pads and Astroglide, don’t you?

  2. I vote for taking him to the nail salon for a Daddy/Son mani/pedi spa day.

  3. LA Juice says:

    Some people are really uptight about how they raise their kids. Sheesh. I get my parenting advice from a ironically named website, “http://www.reallybadparentingadvice.com” (its a oxymoron!)

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