You want to know how to enrage a Rush fan? Read them the list of the current year’s Rock & Roll Hall of Fame nominees. That’ll set ’em off. “What the fuck? Rush sells 50 million albums, 24 gold records, 14 platinum records, has been selling out arenas for 35 fucking years, and they’re not even nominated? And the goddamn Turtles are in the hall of fame?” Then they’ll launch into the merits of the band members themselves before finally saying, “Neil fucking Peart, man…” And then they shake their heads and shamble off to masturbate onto a slide rule or something, because Rush fans are a geeky bunch.
Hahaha, just kidding Rush fans! I myself like Rush, and saw them on their last tour with a friend of mine. That evening was three and a half hours of balls to the wall rock and roll punctuated by seven hours of blackout drinking. Good times. I think. But the point is this: The Rock & Roll Hall of Fame consistently overlooks a fantastic band like Rush, only to let bands like the Turtles in. The fucking Turtles. If you know one of their songs, it’s this one: “I can’t see me loving nobody but you, for all my life!” And that’s the only one you know. They’re in. Rush is not.
(Incidentally, most people do not know the remainder of Happy Together by the Turtles advocates raping babies and sacrificing puppies to Satan. That is absolutely, 100% true even if I did just make it up.)
And so, in a yearly tradition intended to both enrage and entertain my fellow Rush fans, I’ve taken to evaluating the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame nominees. As you can imagine, the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame isn’t exactly returning my calls.
Guns N' Roses, Fan Appreciation Night 1991
The Band: Guns N’ Roses – Here’s a recipe for success: Have a great first album, then coast the rest of your career relying on drugs, infighting, and total antipathy to fans to take you where you want to be. Yeah, that’ll work. And while you’re at it, make an “album” called “The Spaghetti Incident ?” and follow it up with the next one 15 fucking years later. It also helps if your lead singer is fucking nuts. There’s 12 reasons they have an entire plant devoted to manufacturing Prozac, and 11 of them are Axl Rose.
Do they deserve to get in? Fuck no. They don’t give you a Super Bowl trophy for winning the first quarter, do they? You need to do a lot better than shitting all over Knocking On Heaven’s Door for the majority of your career.
Little known fact: Will Ferrell is the drummer for the Red Hot Chili Peppers
The Band: The Red Hot Chili Peppers – There was a point in time when the Red Hot Chili Peppers were a hot band, and that time was 1990 when Vanilla Ice ruled the charts. So, you know, not the best year in terms of taste. But wow, look at Flea! He’s fucking crazy! And Anthony Kiedis, he… he… he… Look, he can’t fucking sing. Ever heard him live? It’s like someone is molesting a cat with a hot fork.
Do they deserve to get in? No. If you could get in on having energy alone, then yes. But vibrators have energy too and with the notable exception of Madonna’s wardrobe, you don’t see them in the Hall of Fame.
She's crafty! And apparently blind.
The Band: The Beastie Boys – White boys! Rapping! To Led Zeppelin beats! And bros in New York and New Jersey love them! All of which is exactly why you don’t like them.
Do they deserve to get in? No, but they’ll be hanging out in the alley behind the induction ceremony doing oxy’s with their fans.
Joan Jett
The Band: Joan Jett and the Blackhearts – Girls didn’t really get to rock until Joan Jett came along, so she’s in, right? But name me one of her songs besides I Love Rock & Roll. You can’t do it, so she’s not in. Plus she keeps stealing shit from my trash can.
Does she deserve to get in? Nope. And I don’t give a damn ’bout her bad reputation. (So I lied, she has two songs. Someone alert Lennon & McCartney to the fact that they’ve got real competition on their hands.)
Little known Heart fact #46: Ann and Nancy Wilson are the only human members of Heart. The remainder of the band consists of animatronic beavers.
The Band: Heart – Led Zeppelin-lite with tits. Look, I like Heart. I like what they represent. And like any warm-blooded male, I’ve got entire wings of the spank-bank devoted to Nancy Wilson. But they are a good rock and roll band. Not great, but good. Unfortunately, great is what should count for the Hall (and again, someone alert the fucking Turtles).
True story: I saw Heart with a date when I was in college, and we had seats way off to the side where we could see the backstage area. About 15 minutes into the set, this drunk dude jumps onstage, turns around and does a drunken victory woo-hoo!-style dance. Security grabbed him and pulled him backstage. And then the roadies proceeded to beat the everloving shit out of the dude. Which I totally didn’t get. What the fuck, you’re roadying for Heart! It’s not like they brought a gun close to the President or anything! The only thing I could think of was that they were bitter. “You fucking asshole! You know how bad this job sucks? I got into this profession so I could get the drunken sloppy seconds that Sammy Hagar leaves behind. But instead, I’m in charge of buying the fucking tampons! And now I have to deal with your shit?”
Do they deserve to get in? It pains me to say it, but no. Nancy, if you want to come over to be comforted, let me know.
Friday I'm in love, Saturday I'm buying a fucking comb.
The Band: The Cure – I wonder if they’ll still be mopey and down if they get elected. They’ll probably be all giddy and laughing and then feel guilty for enjoying themselves and slit their wrists backstage. That having been said, they totally did their own thing and earned a HUGE following in the process. And although I don’t really like their music, I caught a live show on TV one night and had to look at the guide to see who they were because I didn’t recognize them. It was the Cure, and they were loud, dark and all swirly guitars, and very, very good. I was surprised.
Do they deserve to get in? Yes. I’m not having their suicides on my conscience.
It says here something called an "Eric B. and Rakim" was nominated. Huh.
The Band: Eric B. and Rakim – Ok, let’s see here… Wikipedia calls Eric B. and Rakim the premier MC/DJ combo in hip hop. In other words, they didn’t know how to play instruments or write songs.
Do they deserve to get in? Maybe if they get involved in the music industry some day.
The Faces. Not pictured: The support brewery that traveled with them at all times.
The Band: The Faces – I have got a major soft spot for the Faces. The Faces were totally fucking kick ass. They had Rod Stewart before he became a caricature of himself (and his hair looked like a porcupine fucking a hedgehog). They had Ron Wood before liquor turned him into a mummy with Parkinson’s. They had Ronnie Lane before he got all dead-like. They always played drunk, they always played loud, and they were about as close to a pure rock and roll band as you could hope to get. Awesome.
Do they deserve to get in: Yes, but only if Rod Stewart is banned from playing Tonight’s the Night ever, ever again.
Donna Summer learning the hard way that just because you look like Michael Jackson doesn't mean you sell records like Michael Jackson.
The Artist: Donna Summer – Hey, you see that old, dilapidated theater with a broken mirror-ball on the floor? That is the Disco Hall of Fame. Go snort some lines in the bathroom over there or something. (You may have to shoo some raccoons out first). The argument for Donna Summer is that you can’t exclude one genre, that it’s all rock and roll. Fuck that. I’m not voting for any Scandinavian death metal band because we have to represent every genre, the Hall isn’t voting for Rush because they don’t like so-called “prog rock”, so Donna Summer is shit out of luck.
Does she deserve to get in? No, if only for the reason that you can’t be on stage singing “Looking for some hot stuff” while wearing Depends. That’s totally a new rule.
A wooly mammoth eating Chaka Khan.
The Band: Rufus with Chaka Khan – 99.9% of people who read those words just thought: “Chaka Khan! Chaka Khan! ChakaKahnChakaKhanLetMeLoveYou
Does she deserve to get in? Nope, but we could use her hair to towel off Meat Loaf if he shows up.
War!
The Band: War – What is it good for? Absolutely nothing.
Do they deserve to get in? Good God, no! (Say it again.)
Either Lauro Nyro or Marisa Tomei's sister. Not sure which.
The Artist: Laura Nyro – Beats the fuck out of me. She was up for nomination last year too, and I still had to look her up. Some white soul singer who had two “critically acclaimed” albums, which is music-speak for “No one bought her albums, so I’m going to proclaim them critically acclaimed because I am a worthless record executive and want to keep my job.”
Does she deserve to get in? How the hell would I know?
For the times, they are a-not staying the same.
The Artist: Donovan – Bob Dylan for pussies.
Does he deserve to get in? They call him Mellow Yellow because they’re not going to call him a hall of famer.
The Artist: Freddie King – Guys like Freddie King are the core of rock and roll. Without them, there’d be no one to rip off. But seriously, this guy could fucking groove.
Does he deserve to get in? Check out that clip above. He deserves to get in just for that shirt collar.
The Spinners (Note: May not be 100% accurate depiction)
The Band: The Spinners – Man, I don’t know. I thought I knew a song by them, but that was the Drifters. Maybe they sang… No, wait, that was the Platters. Who the fuck are these guys? I’d like to see them get voted in, only to have some tool like Bono induct them and get all their names wrong and then the awkward moment when everyone realizes Bono is thinking of the O’Jays.
Do they deserve to get in: No, unless they were mistakenly already inducted.
I would say “maybe” to Joan Jett,an “eventually” to the Cure, a “why isn’t he there already?” to Freddie King, a “wtf!?” to Rush not being there, and a blanket big fat no to most of the others.
Red Hot Chilli Peppers while not that awesome, flea can play well (not as good as the dude from Primus), but jumping about in underpants is not going to cut it.
Its not going to get Joan Jett in.
If Hip hop artists want to be in a hall of fame, get your damn own. But they do have guns…
That’s a good point about the guns. Maybe we need to get Phil Spector to do security for the event.
Dear Mr. Dog;
This letter is sent to formally object to your negative classification of the Red Hot Chili Peppers in today’s post and demand the immediate retraction there of and that you cease and desist ever again saying a bad thing ever about the WORLDS MOST AMAZING BESTEST HOTTEST COOLEST, MOST GENIUS BAND ON THE PLANET.
The facts are that Every Red Hot Chili Pepper album is a mothra faulking work of heavenly art, which make doves cry; animals strike curious poses; God’s farts smell like jasmine, taste like Mother’s Milk sweetened with honey and sound like Angels on High.
I hereby further remind you that it has been decreed in the BIBLE that Flea, Chad, Anthony and John are savants who channel the sound of god’s farts through their instruments and we are all better for having ever heard the jubilant chorus. Those of us lucky enough to have repeatedly seen the RHCP in concert- well- We live in that dutch oven known as God’s bed, whiffing said jasmine and summer’s breeze.
Now take it all back before I fart in your general direction. It won’t smell like God’s farts, this I can promise. I eat way more cheese than God. True story.
Sincerely,
“Juice”
Vice President and General Counsel of Mothra’s Milk, a watchdog group protecting all god’s chosen ones.
I know, I know, who could possibly deny this band their due?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IVJjWhqIf5A&feature=related
first- you clearly have not done enough mushrooms in your life, or you would understand all that. for this I forgive you but I question your namesake and feel you need to earn it.
Second I see your red headed stepchild gibberish and raise you the most amazing funkadelic bass player in the world. Ever.
http://youtu.be/qyzePfR36TU
some more funkadelica for the non-believers.
http://youtu.be/8WxHbuNWMOs
Care to submit now? Don’t make me pull my Magic Johnson out on your ass…
The HoF needs to do some spring cleaning anyway. They should have an Oust ceremony every year. 2012 rejectees.
Oh, that’s an excellent idea. Instead of flowery induction speeches by Bono, Lemmy from Motorhead would get up there and talk for 15 minutes about how much the Turtles fucking suck. Then the Turtles would take the stage and play Happy Together while the audience booed and pelted them with garbage.
If I ever violently overthrow the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame (and I am considering it), I will name you the Vice President of Musical Ousters.
I am so prepared for that assignment!
Deal.
Hey, who came up with the idea that The Turtles are in the R&R Hall of fame??? I’m sure that would be news to Howard, Mark & co!!!!! In Howard Kacylan’s recent autobio, he says they’ll never be voted in, due to music biz politics. . . unlike in *he case of the most boring f*cking act in history, Rush, we whose fans finally managed to get them in. . .
That’s weird. When I wrote this, I had gone through the list of inductees, and very much remember seeing the Turtles on there. That’s why they stood out so much. (I wonder what list I was looking at, and how much glue I had been sniffing.)
Anyway, now, a year and a half later, the universe has been made right. Rush is in, the Turtles are not. SEE HOW POWERFUL I AM? I MAKE SHIT MOTHERFUCKING HAPPEN!
Pretty humorous and clever article, save for the Turtles reference. Alas the Torts are stil in the shell and not in the HOF.
See comment above. Dunno why I thought the Turtles were in…