I have had several people tell me that my foul and inconsiderate ramblings would be missed while I’m taking some time off. What can I say? I’m touched, and not in the Father Flanagan-behind-the-rectory-after-half-a-bottle-of-communion-wine kind of way. So, what the fuck, for those people I will cobble together a post that will hopefully please them as it simultaneously pisses off someone else, like the Catholic church. Continue reading

Heads up, I’m going to be taking a short break from posting anything of value. Now, I know what you’re thinking to yourself. You’re thinking, “when did you start?” Hahaha, you’re hilarious, you know that? Fuck you.

Seriously, I’m probably going to refrain from posting anything other than short blurbs or videos. I’ve got two or three side projects that are commanding my attention, and it’s really hard to work on those, write posts for this site, and stay on top of all of the important drinking I have to do.

So hang in there, and if you need something to occupy your time, maybe you should learn how to eat noodles like a motherfucking boss:

Those of you who may have followed the Bloggies most likely already know that I did not win the Best Writing of a Weblog award. This is because of a worldwide conspiracy of Anabaptists and people named Floyd, all of whom are hell bent on my destruction. Oh, and also I didn’t receive the most votes, which may had played a minor role. But that’s ok, because I am reaping rewards much greater than an invisible trophy and a check for $0.00: Email correspondence from total strangers. And we all know what happens when I get email from strangers… Continue reading

Usually, I can come up with a subject for any given post. Sure, I may then go off on a ridiculous tangent that involves drunken college depravity, stories about how my kids have managed to almost kill themselves this week, and musings on what kind of tampons Kenny Loggins uses, but I eventually circle back and… Wait, what was I talking about again? Gahh, stupid… thinking thing… Make me not think the… thing… Dammit! Be thinker! Continue reading

After lunch today, as I often do when the weather cooperates, I took a walk to stretch my legs, clear my head, and think up horribly offensive shit to post on this site. Because I work next door to a luxury resort, this walk is incredibly enjoyable: The grounds are always immaculately maintained, the property is surrounded by orange trees (which are currently in bloom), and more often than not the sun is gently beaming down on a perfect Arizona day. It was 80 degrees out, and I was rather enjoying myself when I walked into a spider web. Nothing will make you look like an escaped mental patient faster than walking into a spider web. Continue reading

Full screen, volume up motherfucker!

Sorry, no real post today. I’m setting up my site with chat capability so we can goof on horrible 70’s TV in a group environment. Stay tuned if you’d like to participate. Details will come out in the next day or two. In the meantime, Bob Guccione will answer your questions.

I hate when technology fucks me up. I realize that everyone hates that, but I really hate it. This is because I’m in IT (aka a computer guy, propeller-head, dork, etc.) There’s not a problem that can come up that I don’t think I can solve because of my awesome technical skillset. A live nuclear weapon could drop in my front yard with a digital timer counting backwards from 0:10, and while everyone else was hugging their loved ones before they turned to vapor, I’d be all, “Ok, relax. This weapon’s motherboard is probably running on a custom UNIX kernel, and if I can find a way to get myself into a sudo-enabled command prompt…” and that would be the last thought in my brain before it was blasted beyond Pluto’s orbit, because skillset or not, I’m a fucking idiot, but I think I can solve anything. Continue reading

Out of sheer boredom, or perhaps a sign of deepening insanity, I spent a bunch of time thinking about the old television show Fantasy Island today. For those of you too young to have seen it in prime time and too smart to have watched it in syndication, the show centered around a mysterious Latino man and his gay lover/dwarf who lived on an island that granted wishes to random assholes who flew to the island every Saturday night at 9:00. It should come as no surprise to learn that Fantasy Island went on the air in the 70’s. Continue reading

I’m pretty wiped out from a long week of whatever the fuck it is I do, and usually when that happens I post strange, disturbing videos like the one where Oprah unhinged her law and ate a Vietnamese baby whole. But instead of doing that, I’m going to take this opportunity to remind everyone that voting is open for a couple more days over at the 2013 Bloggies, and also that Dogs on Drugs is up for Best Writing, and good pal Vesta Vayne’s blog The Cowardly Feminist is up for Blog o’ the Year. Get on over there and vote. If you’ve already voted once, honestly, show a little effort, would you? There are dead people in Chicago who vote more often than that. Continue reading