Am I Scarring My Kids? Should I Care?

Oh, suck it up you cry baby. What are you two? What? Really? You are two? Whatever, shut your cry-hole.

You think I’m scarring my kids? Because sometimes my wife looks at me as if I am, but she’s hesitant to say something becasue I’m usually acting like a lunatic at the time. Case in point: Death Metal Bingo. The way this works is I take two drum sticks and sing the children’s song Bingo like this:

Slow Paced Sing-Song Voice: There was a farmer had a dog, and Bingo was his name-o!

Black Death Metal Voice (with frantic drumming): B! I! N! G! O! B! I! N! G! O! B! I! N! G! O! AND BINGO WAS HIS NAME-OOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

And for some reason my wife thinks this might be having less than a desirable impact on our three kids, who are usually howling with laughter while this is going on.

Row, row, row your boat... STRAIGHT TO HELL, MOTHERFUCKER!

Row, row, row your boat... STRAIGHT TO HELL, MOTHERFUCKER!

Here’s another one: Sadistic Game Show Host. I take the empty tube from a roll of paper towels and use it as a microphone to quiz my children:

Me: Who am I?

Youngest Son (3): Daddy!

Me: Ding! Ding! Ding! That’s right! Tell him what he’s won, Don Pardo!

Don Pardo (Me): An all expenses paid vacation for two to… HAWAII!

Youngest Son: Yay!

Me: Ok, next question: What is two plus two?

Middle Son (5): Ummm… Four!

Me: Ding! Ding! Ding! That’s right! Tell him what he’s won, Don Pardo!

Don Pardo (Me): A BRAND NEW CAR!

Middle Son: Woo-hoo!!!

Me: Ok, final question: What concept would Albert Einstein consider his greatest mistake, and what current physical theory may very well bring this mistake back to life as an important and integral part of the universe as we know it?

Daughter (11): What? Daddy, that’s not fair!

Me (using frantic game show host voice): I need an answer, three seconds!

Daughter: Antarctica?

Me: WRONG!!!! (whomps on daughter with empty cardboard tube)

Unfortunately, once I actually threw my daughter into the "Croc pit", it failed to scare her any more.

Unfortunately, once I actually threw my daughter into the "Croc pit", it failed to scare her any more.

Now where, I ask you, is the harm in that? The fact that the two boys then spend the rest of the day beating each other over the head with rolled up magazines is entirely incidental! And even if I am scarring my kids, I’m just trying to give them a better life. Think about it: Joan Crawford beat the ever-loving shit out of her daughter Christina for trivial (and sometimes imaginary) offenses. And you know what happened to Christina? She got stinking fucking rich from the royalties she made off of Mommy Dearest. Those wire hangers set her up for life! Don’t judge me because I want the best for my kids!

But the glares and sighs being emitted by my wife are starting to get to me. Maybe I should tone down the psychotic fun I have with my kids. I dunno, maybe phase out Freeway Freeze Tag. What do you think?

HOLY SHIT! I was looking for a picture on Google (I searched on “evil game show host”) and I ran across the following. Look, I joke around with my kids, but it’s all in fun, and they laugh their little asses off. But this is the kind of sicko perv who really does scar little kids. Seriously, WHAT. THE. FUCK?

Oh, holy shit, even Clint Eastwood is a perv. Jesus, I’m a fucking shoo-in for Father of the Year.