My Brain Is Fried

Surprisingly, I average 50 wpm in this position.

I work in IT, which is what us propellor-headed Poindexters call the computer industry when we’re not busy hacking into your home computers through virus-laden websites (such as this one!) to take a look at what kind of porn you’re into. Yes, we do that, and frankly we are disgusted. And aroused. Mostly aroused, actually. It takes a lot to disgust us.

Anyway, work has been seriously wacky the last few days, and I’ve spent a metric shit-ton of time trying to solve a problem that shouldn’t have existed in the first place, but Bill Gates is a fucking douchebag, and so I have to spend inordinate amounts of time staring at tiny chunks of code that look like this:

xhr.send();
xhr.sendForFuckSake();
xhr.ifYouDontFuckingSendIWillHaveYouKilled();
greg.drinkBeer(now);

You might be wondering why I would single out Bill Gates as a fucking douchebag, since all he’s done lately is give billions of dollars away to needy people. Two reasons:

  1. He hasn’t given me any money
  2. Internet Explorer

Internet Explorer is the biggest piece of fucking shit in the known universe. If you replaced all of the hydrogen in the universe with shit molecules, and gravitational attraction cause the shit to clump together into a ball of shit so massive that it underwent gravitational collapse and morphed into a supermassive brown hole, which in turn exploded, showering the known universe with feces, Internet Explorer would easily be twice as shitty as that.

You don't need to be Jeff Goldblum to recognize a giant pile of shit.

You don’t need to be Jeff Goldblum to recognize a giant pile of shit.

The problem I’m having has to do with the fact that Internet Explorer has to treat everything on a web page differently than every other browser known to mankind. For instance, Chrome, Firefox, Safari, Opera, and several stone-age browsers that archaeologists have recently unearthed define the width of a table as…

The number of pixels measured from the outside left border of the table to the outside right border of the table. You know… The width of the table, duh.

Internet Explorer, on the other hand, defines the width of a table as follows:

The width of a table is five. Five, got that? It’s five because we say it’s five. Do you own a multi-billion dollar corporation? No, you don’t. So what the fuck do you know, asshole? The width of a table is always five, and it will never change.

Of course, when Microsoft releases the next version of Internet Explorer, they’ll slip this in towards the end of the release notes:

This width of a table is six. It has always been six. No, it wasn’t five before! Go ahead, try to find documentation that it used to be anything other than six. You can’t do it, can you? That’s because Windows 8 now randomly reformats your hard drive out of spite. Hahahaha! What’s that? You have a problem with Windows destroying all of your precious files? Fuck you, suck on the new Metro interface and say goodbye to the desktop, asshole! Hahahaha!

Word on the street is that Microsoft, under increasing pressure from IT organizations that espouse open standards, will respond in the next version of Internet Explorer which will define the width of a table as “blue”.

Seriously, my brain is fucking fried from dealing with Microsoft’s stupidity to the point where this video makes more sense to me than anything else I’ve had to deal with in the last 48 hours:

All right, I’ve got to get back to work. If you haven’t heard from me in 48 hours, send booze.

11 Responses to “My Brain Is Fried”

  1. Vonny says:

    I remember when, if talking to a computer nerd (before they were IT dudes) about a problem, the first response would ALWAYS be to reboot. That infuriated me…especially if it worked.

    I’ve only recently moved on from IE, but sometimes I go back to it for a little while for a laugh.

    • Greg says:

      It’s infuriating because it should be totally unnecessary. Not to be a fanboy, or anything, but one of the reasons the Mac (or now, I guess, the iMac) is so beloved is that the flaky bullshit that Windows imposes upon you just doesn’t exist.

      Also, Bill Gates gargles donkey balls.

  2. Rose says:

    There should be a product review forum that you ought to copy and paste this entire blog post onto. I loled through the entire thing! Thanks again Kennelmaster.

    • Greg says:

      I never thought to look, but I just went on Amazon and read the customer reviews for Windows 8.1. Anything I would add would just be piling on:

      “Ultimate digital disaster!”

      “complicated and useless”

      “Don’t buy this product”

      “Bill Gates gargles donkey balls”

  3. WillieB says:

    As a long-time IT guy and avid hater of “Internet Exploder”, I give this post two enthusiastic thumbs-up. Thanks for assuring me I’m not the only one who vents like this and about this very same subject.

    • Greg says:

      I’ve become the go-to guy for Microsoft venting at my office. Someone will have problems with Windows, or the totally unnecessary MS Office ribbon interface, and someone will say, “Go ask Greg what he thinks of that.”

      40 minutes later, I’ll be red-faced and standing on a desk, denouncing Microsoft executives by name and calling for an armed insurrection.

      I probably need to switch to decaf.

  4. Brett Minor says:

    I was really into computers 15 years ago, but this was the kind of crap that caused me to choose another career path. I understand.

    • Greg says:

      I’m thinking about changing my career path to bulk alcohol taste tester. We started having issues the minute I walked in the door this morning, and 12 hours later everything’s down with no solution in sight. (It looks like our server guys helpfully installed some patches without telling anyone, and it fucked everything up royally. Wheee!)

  5. Reanna says:

    I haven’t used Explorer for years because it made me punch myself in the face just to feel better.

    Usually I defend Bill Gates, if only because he’s given us the tools with which we bitch and moan about him. But no more – Windows 8 is the mother fucking devil, and it’s entombed in this fucking box under my desk. I thought I was doing myself a favour replacing my old XP computer. It took me an entire day just to find the goddamned Start menu.

    Every time I see the “Upgrade to Windows 8.1 FREE!” window pop up, I stab a needle into my Gates voodoo doll.

    • Greg says:

      The funny thing is that he doesn’t really do a lot at Microsoft any more, and he hasn’t for quite some time. But 50 years after he dies, when Microsoft releases Windows 42 and they’ve replaced the file explorer with new Halibut-centric technology, people will still blame it on Bill Gates.

      And rightfully so, because fuck that guy.

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