Fuck Off, Pedobear!

This is not a fucking school bus, perv. The driver is armed.

I drive a Jeep Wrangler, which is a vehicle favored by off-road enthusiasts and people who like sitting on damp seats. I’m actually a bit of both apparently, because I had the rag-top down yesterday when we had a freak downpour while I was at the office. Anyway, I had to take my three year old to the doctor today, so I loaded him up (squish) and off I went.

As you can imagine, I look like quite the off-road stud when I pull up to a light in my dirty Jeep with a child seat visible in the back. What can I say? It’s cool, and I’m totally sure MacGyver would have used the same setup if he wasn’t childless because he’s into bangin’ dudes. (Also, if the kid drops a deuce, you don’t have to stew in it until you get home.) As I approached the doctor’s office, I was stopped at a red light when I noticed my son nodding at something. I turned around and noticed that the guy driving the car next to me had looked over, seen my son a couple of feet away from him, and said something to which my son had nodded in return.

That’s not a big deal. In fact, if the situation was reversed I’m sure I’d have said something too. Something like, “Hey kid, when your parents tuck you in at night, ask them what a Cleveland Steamer is.” And if this guy had done that, I would have found it funny. But something felt a little off about what was going on, so I slowly inched forward until my son was no longer right next to the guy. And it’s the guy’s reaction that disturbed me. He gave me a “Hey, asshole, we’re having a conversation here” look with the palms up gesture and everything.

Mommy, does daddy make you give him Vietnamese basket jobs?

Mommy, does daddy make you give him Vietnamese basket jobs?

We’ve all been in the grocery store and had a small child in a cart engage us in conversation, and there’s most definitely a convention involved. In fact, here are the rules:

  • You may say, “Well, hi there!”
  • You may ask, “How old are you?”
  • You may ask, “What’s your name?”
  • You may say, “Well, aren’t you handsome/pretty?”
  • You may say, “Do you like cars/dolls?”
  • When the parent makes any move to divert the attention of the child, that’s your signal and you must immediately and totally disengage even if it means faking a sudden interest in the National Enquirer.

And there are definite rules against certain questions or actions. For instance, asking a child his address, day care location and teacher’s name makes you look like a member of the clergy, if you catch my drift. And asking a child for a social security number or credit card number makes you look like you’re committing identity theft. And it makes you look like an idiot because toddlers have shit for credit. Likewise, you may tousle the hair of a young child, but you may not make any other contact whatsoever.

Hey, hey, HEY! Don't you walk away from me! THIS ISN'T OVER!

Hey, hey, HEY! Don't you walk away from me! THIS ISN'T OVER!

You’d think it would go without saying, but another thing you may not do is engage a child in a conversation that the parent has no part in and then object in any way when the parent breaks off the conversation. What the fuck, dude? You asking my kid for stock tips? Marital advice? What kind of friendless, pederast, moron starts in on a conversation with a three year old that’s so important that he’s upset when it gets broken off? Here’s how I think the conversation actually went.

Asshole: Hey kid!

My Son: (nods)

Asshole: You going somewhere with your dad?

My Son: (nods)

Asshole: Your dad married? Is your mom hot?

My Son: (nods)

Asshole: Really? She have, like, big tits?

My Son: (nods)

Asshole: Wow. That must be nice. I’ve never felt tits before. You felt tits?

My Son: (nods)

Asshole: Damn! I’m getting outscored by a toddler!

My Son: (nods)

Asshole: Hey, fuck you kid! I bet you think you’re so smart.

My Son: (nods)

Asshole: ARRRGGGHHH! Dammit, I hate when I get outsmarted like that!

Me: (WTF? Creeps forward.)

Asshole: Hey! We were in the middle of a conversation, pal!

Seriously, dude, what the fuck?

Speaking of semi-pedo weirdos, someone online once pointed out that Lazy Town is a very pervy show. I dismissed that as just normal internet bullshit, but the next time it came on for my kids... Seriously, it's pretty fucking disturbing and full of innocent acts that just look... wrong. I don't let my kids watch it any more, which makes zero sense. It just creeps me out.

Speaking of semi-pedo weirdos, someone online once pointed out that Lazy Town is a very pervy show. I dismissed that as just normal internet bullshit, but the next time it came on for my kids... Seriously, it's pretty fucking disturbing and full of innocent acts that just look... wrong. I don't let my kids watch it any more, which makes zero sense. It just creeps me out.

9 Responses to “Fuck Off, Pedobear!”

  1. You should have punched that guy in the chuckles and then taken your son home to watch Yo Gabba Gabba and that guy from dee-lite. what if all dee-lite songs were changed into charlie waffles songs? Groove is in the fart, etc.. (hmm, and now I have another charlie waffles blog….Sure its off topic, but thanks for the inspiration!

  2. Luda says:

    OK, that picture from Nick, Jr. is really fucking creepy.

    Also, tousling a kid’s hair is sort of crossing the line, I think. What if she has pretty braids or he has a cool mohawk and you totally fuck it up? Then you’re the asshole.

    • Greg says:

      Yeah, tousling is ok for your Dennis the Menace types. You try it with a Jon Benet type on her way to a pageant and you probably lose the hand.

      That shot is creepy, but typical of the weird (but innocent) shit you see on that show once you notice it.

  3. Vesta Vayne says:

    Yeah, I thought the same thing when I read the tousling part. I agree with Luda, if someone tousled my kid’s hair, I wouldn’t be thrilled.

    You were totally in the right to move forward when you realized what was going on – it’s one thing when you see a kid and smile or make funny faces to make him/her laugh, but if that’s all the guy was doing, then why was Dogs Jr. nodding? There are a lot of weirdos out there, and I don’t mean the good kind.

  4. I’m so effing paranoid of pedophiles, if I had a kid I would keep them locked in my arms at all times. And if some stranger tried to talk to them, I would ninja kick them faster than they can reach owt and tousle my kid’s hair.

    And yes, Lazy Town is the creepiest kids show around. Not only is everyone on the show a Health Nazi, but they think that getting across a room using intense gymnastics is a good idea.

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