Fuck Off, Pedobear!

This is not a fucking school bus, perv. The driver is armed.

I drive a Jeep Wrangler, which is a vehicle favored by off-road enthusiasts and people who like sitting on damp seats. I’m actually a bit of both apparently, because I had the rag-top down yesterday when we had a freak downpour while I was at the office. Anyway, I had to take my three year old to the doctor today, so I loaded him up (squish) and off I went.

As you can imagine, I look like quite the off-road stud when I pull up to a light in my dirty Jeep with a child seat visible in the back. What can I say? It’s cool, and I’m totally sure MacGyver would have used the same setup if he wasn’t childless because he’s into bangin’ dudes. (Also, if the kid drops a deuce, you don’t have to stew in it until you get home.) As I approached the doctor’s office, I was stopped at a red light when I noticed my son nodding at something. I turned around and noticed that the guy driving the car next to me had looked over, seen my son a couple of feet away from him, and said something to which my son had nodded in return.

That’s not a big deal. In fact, if the situation was reversed I’m sure I’d have said something too. Something like, “Hey kid, when your parents tuck you in at night, ask them what a Cleveland Steamer is.” And if this guy had done that, I would have found it funny. But something felt a little off about what was going on, so I slowly inched forward until my son was no longer right next to the guy. And it’s the guy’s reaction that disturbed me. He gave me a “Hey, asshole, we’re having a conversation here” look with the palms up gesture and everything.

Mommy, does daddy make you give him Vietnamese basket jobs?

Mommy, does daddy make you give him Vietnamese basket jobs?

We’ve all been in the grocery store and had a small child in a cart engage us in conversation, and there’s most definitely a convention involved. In fact, here are the rules:

  • You may say, “Well, hi there!”
  • You may ask, “How old are you?”
  • You may ask, “What’s your name?”
  • You may say, “Well, aren’t you handsome/pretty?”
  • You may say, “Do you like cars/dolls?”
  • When the parent makes any move to divert the attention of the child, that’s your signal and you must immediately and totally disengage even if it means faking a sudden interest in the National Enquirer.

And there are definite rules against certain questions or actions. For instance, asking a child his address, day care location and teacher’s name makes you look like a member of the clergy, if you catch my drift. And asking a child for a social security number or credit card number makes you look like you’re committing identity theft. And it makes you look like an idiot because toddlers have shit for credit. Likewise, you may tousle the hair of a young child, but you may not make any other contact whatsoever.

Hey, hey, HEY! Don't you walk away from me! THIS ISN'T OVER!

Hey, hey, HEY! Don't you walk away from me! THIS ISN'T OVER!

You’d think it would go without saying, but another thing you may not do is engage a child in a conversation that the parent has no part in and then object in any way when the parent breaks off the conversation. What the fuck, dude? You asking my kid for stock tips? Marital advice? What kind of friendless, pederast, moron starts in on a conversation with a three year old that’s so important that he’s upset when it gets broken off? Here’s how I think the conversation actually went.

Asshole: Hey kid!

My Son: (nods)

Asshole: You going somewhere with your dad?

My Son: (nods)

Asshole: Your dad married? Is your mom hot?

My Son: (nods)

Asshole: Really? She have, like, big tits?

My Son: (nods)

Asshole: Wow. That must be nice. I’ve never felt tits before. You felt tits?

My Son: (nods)

Asshole: Damn! I’m getting outscored by a toddler!

My Son: (nods)

Asshole: Hey, fuck you kid! I bet you think you’re so smart.

My Son: (nods)

Asshole: ARRRGGGHHH! Dammit, I hate when I get outsmarted like that!

Me: (WTF? Creeps forward.)

Asshole: Hey! We were in the middle of a conversation, pal!

Seriously, dude, what the fuck?

Speaking of semi-pedo weirdos, someone online once pointed out that Lazy Town is a very pervy show. I dismissed that as just normal internet bullshit, but the next time it came on for my kids... Seriously, it's pretty fucking disturbing and full of innocent acts that just look... wrong. I don't let my kids watch it any more, which makes zero sense. It just creeps me out.

Speaking of semi-pedo weirdos, someone online once pointed out that Lazy Town is a very pervy show. I dismissed that as just normal internet bullshit, but the next time it came on for my kids... Seriously, it's pretty fucking disturbing and full of innocent acts that just look... wrong. I don't let my kids watch it any more, which makes zero sense. It just creeps me out.