Here’s How We Should Elect A President

Vote for me! I took lessons to simulate human smiling!

I, like many, many other Americans (and quite a few non-Americans too, I’d imagine) am sick and fucking tired of the random collection of morons, hypocrites, and self-righteous maniacs that run for the office of President of the United States every four years. What the fuck, is this the best we can come up with? I estimate that I know, at least in passing, about 150 people. Of those people, I can easily think of at least 5 that are smart, driven, have good leadership and communication skills, and probably don’t fuck underaged, undocumented migrant workers in their spare time. I’d feel relatively confident that they’d do at least a decent job if they were suddenly appointed President, and one or two would probably be very good at it.

So it’s very frustrating to realize that while we should be drowning in qualified candidates, the best we can come up with is a collection of intellectually challenged reprobates who make up for their logical and moral shortcomings only by being able to smile for the camera, kiss babies, and stuff campaign contributions down their pants with both hands. And you know why this is? It’s because being President sucks ass. It’s a thankless job that takes years off of your life (decades, in fact, if you’re JFK), you’re automatically hated by half of your country, and it pays less than what a backup shortstop hitting .190 for the Kansas City Royals gets.

The kind of person that wants to be the President is exactly the kind of person that we don’t want running the country: They want power simply for the sake of having power. And when someone is willing to put themselves through the meat grinder of the presidential election cycle so that they have a shot at being elected to the most stressful job in the world, just so they can become the latest in long series of reviled politicians that are mercilessly mocked in the media and by our culture in general, you have to ask yourself: What, exactly, do they plan on doing with this power that makes all of that bullshit worth it? It’s scary who we give the reins of power to in this country.

This guy, for instance.

This guy, for instance.

So fuck that, let’s fix the whole fucking thing. First of all, everyone in the country who is eligible to be the President of the United States is IQ tested. Everyone who scores above 120 is entered into a pool. The President and Vice-President are pulled at random from a hat, and they’re in charge for the next four years. Does anyone honestly believe this would be any worse than what we do today?

Now, some people may object to the high IQ requirement, but however that objection is worded, it boils down to this: They think that the most powerful office in the world should be held by someone average at best, and moronic at worst. Screw that shit, if we’re gonna give a guy the power to nuke the planet back into the stone age, we want that person to have the intelligence to appreciate the consequences of his actions and not just do it because it’s “fucking rad”.

Second of all, the office of the President of the United States now pays $100 million per term. You don’t give a guy a fuckton of power and then pay him what you’d pay a left-handed knuckleballer just up from the minors. He’s going to convert some of that power into cash, and then use the remainder of his power to prevent others from finding out about it. I want my President to fucking laugh at bribery attempts. “Bitch, you want to give me $1 million to allow strip mining on elementary school playgrounds? I spend $1 million a month on motherfucking lube! Get the fuck out of here before I break off a Presidential wingtip in your ass!”

That's how Teddy used to do it.

That's how Teddy used to do it.

Oh, and hey, here’s a nutty idea: The President is held to the same laws as the rest of us! And he can’t just decree shit to be legal because he fucking feels like it! So when the President comes out and says that he’s authorizing warrantless wiretaps in high school girls’ locker rooms, a panel of judges has to rule on the constitutionality of it before it can happen. Also (and this is crucial), he can’t rule the judges enemy combatants and fucking waterboard them until they agree with him because he claims it’s an issue of National Security. No funny shit, period!

What else? Oh yeah, I don’t care if the President is male or female, gay or straight: Your spouse or significant other doesn’t get to fucking tell us what to do because you’re in the White House. They can sit at home getting sloshed and being mean to the help, that’s fine, and we’ll pick up the tab. But we won’t stand for them deciding that we shouldn’t be getting high, or that we should be exercising, or some such shit. We’re Americans, and if we want to sit on the couch getting high and playing XBox, we will fucking do so.

None of this is terribly radical, when you think about it. It’s common sense. And that’s what our Constitution was based upon. Our founding fathers said, in effect, “Look. People are assholes. Give them too much power, and they lop off heads like Oprah at an all you can eat pancake buffet. So let’s limit what any one individual asshole can do, and then we can go get smashed on ale and bone some comely lasses.” And they did, and it was great. But somewhere along the line we decided that the assholes we vote for should have more power than assholes should have according to some drunken perverts from the 1700’s, and BAM! we’ve got Rick Santorum being considered a legitimate candidate. What. The. Fuck?

I say we start over. Who has the ale?

Ben Franklin has the ale AND the comely lasses!

Ben Franklin has the ale AND the comely lasses!

20 Responses to “Here’s How We Should Elect A President”

  1. LA Juice says:

    yea, but people with IQs over 150 tend to also have mental illness… think about Gina Davis’s name getting drawn. We couldn’t even handle her when she played the president on TV.

    Although I like your plan immensely because anyone with that level of IQ would find a way to put an end to the pot smoking- its destroying thousands of acres of pristine natural park forests all across the west, killing flora and fauna as well as illegals.

    That would be my campaign slogan “Fuck your Xbox, Why do you hate Bambi you fat couch surfer?” The Honeybadger would be my running mate. I am sure I would win.

  2. Brett Minor says:

    My biggest issue with today’s voting system is that very very very few people are educated about the candidates enough to understand who they are electing. I know a lot of people that voted for Obama and are disgusted with him. Not at what he has done since getting elected, but for the very things he stood for before he even ran. Had they done their homework, they might have voted differently. This happens both on the Democratic and Republican side.

    I would never suggest that we takes people’s right to vote away, but when the only qualification to be able to vote is being 18 years old we get the mess we are in today.

    I think your system might be better.

    • Greg says:

      Yeah, I’m just kinda fucking around, but I don’t doubt that we’d be better off if we elected our candidates at random from a pool of smart people. It shows you how fucked up our system is.

      And voter ignorance is rampant. I once interviewed a guy who had been a state representative for New Hampshire. He said the only informed voters were the ones that came to debates for State Rep candidates, and if you weren’t totally prepared, you stayed away from those debates because they could only make you look bad.

      So his strategy to get elected was to run against a candidate in a district that was running unopposed (note how he didn’t care which party he was affiliated with). He blew off the debate, and spent what little funds he had on signs. These he put up the legal distance from the polls and stood there greeting people. “Hi, I’m Joe Blow. Thanks for coming out to vote. I hope you vote for me today.” Nobody knew shit about him, but he won easily because people recognized his name and associated it with a friendly guy who shook their hands.


  3. Pish Posh says:

    I agree with this “The kind of person that wants to be the President is exactly the kind of person that we don’t want running the country”

    Rather than a drawing out of a hat we should have a few more qualifications.
    — IQ above 140 thank you. 120 is the new 80.
    — Reads smart books. Bible and batteries not included.
    — Has courage
    — Likes Sour Skittles
    — Knows where Iran is on the map

    Then out of those candidates we narrow it down to those who are not men.

    Then out of those candidates we narrow it down to those who do not own matching blazer-skirt suits.

    Then out of those candidates we narrow it down to those who have ever worried about paying the bills.

    Then out of those candidates we narrow it down to those who have some appreciation of arts, nature, liberty, and justice.

    Next, we select people who can speak in complete and intelligible sentences to world leaders, and also who excel at playing Angry Birds.

    Then out of those candidates we narrow it down to those who think Louis CK is awesome and who can also put the smack-down on declining public education.

    Finally, out of those we narrow it down to the knowledgeable, witty, well-read few who can crush right-wing talking points with merciless humiliation AND who value the right to privacy, the judicial branch, and not having their head up their ass.

    Now, we have a pool of like 10 people or so. Then we do a drawing by mail. Can you imagine opening up that letter amidst your dental and cable bills?

    “Oh goddammit!”
    “I have to be f-ing president for 4 years.”
    “Oh. Shit :(“

    • Greg says:

      120 is the new 80? You think people are getting smarter? There are people out there who think candidates should be restricted to a single gender, and that’s not very fucking smart!

      (continues reading)



      • Pish Posh says:

        Good one.

        You mean you think we should only have transgender candidates?


        Yea I also said they should only like sour skittles. So clearly I’m not 100% serious because everyone knows regular skittles are just as good.

    • Squatch says:

      “I’d feel relatively confident that they’d do at least a decent job if they were suddenly appointed President, and one or two would probably be very good at it.”

      Hey thanks, man, I appreciate the compliment.

      So, your $3M check can be sent to “SquatchPAC”. And DON’T sign it, “Abdul Fuckin’ Mohammad Abbabbas” this time, that shit got me into a LOT of trouble.

      • Greg says:

        Incidentally, for everyone else reading, Squatch is an old friend of mine (by which I mean he’s old). He is one of the one or two people I was thinking about when I said that.

        Too bad he blew that long ago by exposing himself to penguins at the zoo. That boy’s got some serious skeletons in his closet.

  4. Tonya says:

    But Rick Santorum has the Duggars on his side. I mean, if anyone knows who should be President of the US it’s a couple who can’t figure out how to use a goddamn condom.

  5. Rusty says:

    People who want to be in government, shouldn’t be in government. they should also be held accountable for their actions after their term.

    for example, cutting taxes when war spending was bleeding your country dry during a war nobody wanted and a global financial crisis that saw the entire global economy collapse probably wasn’t a good idea. Somebody should answer some questions…

    Good JFK joke by the way, it DID take decades of his life :p

    The government in Australia is different, by no means better, but you don’t have to have rich parents with rich friends to be considered, you just have to go to the right schools.

    Okay so having rich parents helps.

    • Greg says:

      The problem with being held accountable is that sometime the right thing doesn’t yield obvious results for a long time. America’s Rural Electrification program, for instance, cost a lot of money, and a lot of people didn’t think it was worth it at the time.

      You see everyone? Serious thought going on here!

  6. Squatch says:

    “So fuck that, let’s fix the whole fucking thing. First of all, everyone in the country who is eligible to be the President of the United States is IQ tested. Everyone who scores above 120 is entered into a pool.”

    Well, you just firebombed Joe Biden’s career…

    BTW, I got me one of these:

    That’s good drinkin’.

  7. Vesta Vayne says:

    Hell to the yes.

    I have never understood why we pay the president peanuts either. Crappy basketballers get paid millions upon millions, and we can’t pony up for the president?

    And you are right, it’s the person that doesn’t want the freaking job that we want in office, because that automatically makes him or her smarter than the power hungry jerkwads running.

    • Greg says:

      I’ve treated the subject very trivially, but one of the big problems we have is that we haven’t taken the motivation of politicians into account enough.

      For instance, legislators have a lot of power, but relatively little money. Money helps keep them in office, where they retain their power. So they’re motivated to convert power to money by selling their power to corporations that will pay to have them reelected. Why this surprises anyone, I do not know.

      So term limits, higher salaries, and limits on campaign contributions seem to be the very minimum needed to even begin addressing the issue in a meaningful way, but it’s hard to do that because the people that threatens will use their influence to shoot it down. Catch 22.

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