What Would Lindsay Lohan Do?

I read this morning that Lindsay Lohan hit a man with her car and drove away. The headline made me laugh because it was literally the least surprising headline about Lindsay Lohan anyone could possibly come up with. Frankly, I wouldn’t be too surprised if tomorrow morning I read the headline, “Lindsay Lohan Visits Vatican, Fingers Pope, Huffs Gas With Snooki”. What would surprise me would be the headline, “Lindsay Lohan Gets Bachelor’s Degree”, or “Lindsay Lohan Discovers Higgs Boson”, or even “Lindsay Lohan Counts To Ten”. That bitch is a fucking train wreck.

But as anyone who got their giggles off of the Charlie Sheen show last year can tell you, train wrecks are interesting. Take Amy Winehouse, for example. Everyone knew where she was headed, and it sure as hell wasn’t going to be an old age home. But the more skankerrific she got, the harder it was to stop watching. You got the feeling that had she lived, you’d be watching footage of her fisting homeless people and snorting drain cleaner in a year or two. And you would be watching, even if only to ponder the headline (“Winehouse, Lohan Fist The Homeless”) because everyone loves them some good old-fashioned self-destructive behavior.

And you know what? That shit pays. Lindsay Lohan is still worth $1.4 million, and the only thing she’s done for money lately is show off her vag for cash. Oh, and she posed for Playboy too. Meanwhile, here I am, drinking working my ass off during the day, drinking parenting my ass off at night, and all I have in the bank is enough to retire on assuming I only live one day past my 65th birthday. Fuck. That.

Is this Chaim Rabinowitz's Bar Mitzvah? Because if it is, I'm gonna need my $50 up front.

So I’m implementing what I’m going to call the Lindsay Lohan Plan, which is patent pending and as follows:

Become Famous – Anyone can act self-destructively, but the public won’t use cool phrases to describe you such as “doomed”, “haunted”, and “star-crossed” unless you’re famous. If you’re a nobody, they’ll use phrases such as “fucking bum”, “that asshole”, and “Senator”. So you’ve got to become famous first.

What would Lindsay Lohan do? She became famous by using a borderline useless skill to do something a lot of other people could have done if they had the chance and the overbearing parents: Act. Well, I can’t do that because I’m not allowed near Hollywood ever since I stalked Gavin MacLeod because… Well, I forget why, but the point is that I’m not allowed within 500 yards of Paramount Studios.

So, what other useless profession might I be able to pursue in order to become famous? Singer. Shit, I already know how to sing, and in fact used to be in a highly sought after band that was so popular that people paid us not to play. Bingo, I’ll be one of those American Idol assholes. They become famous, even though they’re as useless as a dick in Rosie O’Donnell’s house. Done.

Gavin MacLeod. Yes, I used to stalk the Love Boat's Captain Steubing. What else was I supposed to do? I'm pretty sure the guy was drinking all my beer. Well, someone was!

Fuck Up In Hilarious Fashion – This seems easy, but in reality is trickier than it seems. Drugs have to be involved, but you’ve got to use classy drugs like cocaine, oxy’s, or (if you’re in a cool rock band) heroin. You can’t be caught huffing paint or smoking meth and expect anything but scorn. And you’ve got to do a lot of drinking as well. What’s more, you can’t get too crazy with the drugs or you’ll be dead before you have a chance to reap the rewards of your irresponsible behavior.

What would Lindsay Lohan do? Lindsay started off slow, drinking, maybe a bit of pot, and then when it came time to kick into overdrive, she started doing drugs with Paris Hilton. That’s your move, right there. Partying with Paris Hilton is guaranteed to be viewed as a fuck up, especially if you’re a guy and you have to walk the gauntlet of paparazzi camped outside her door every morning. “Greg! Greg! Are you and Paris more than friends? Did you use protection? Lubricated or lead-shielded?”

And once that fuck-up becomes well known, the lingering shame and self-doubt will push you further and further down the road of drug abuse and self-flagellation to the point where you’ll voluntarily star in remakes of Herbie the Love Bug.

Is it possible to spike gasoline with penicillin? I hope so, for Herbie's sake.

Continue To Fuck Up Until People Pity You – This is probably the easiest step of them all. All you have to do is progressively cheapen yourself until you find yourself at rock bottom.

What would Lindsay Lohan do? Well, she graduated from hanging out with Paris, to shacking up with a lesbian Keith Richards impersonator, to hanging out with dead people.

I have to work at the morgue? What's that, a nightclub?

Run Afoul Of The Law, Repeatedly – This one is tough. You have to get busted for something, go to court, defy the judge’s orders, and continue to do so in order to maximize your publicity without having to do serious time. Do it right, and you won’t spend more than a day or two behind bars (like Lindsay!) Do it wrong, and you’ve got problems (like Charles Manson!)

What would Lindsay Lohan do? Get busted in LA. There are so many gang-bangers, drug dealers, psychotic maniacs, and people named OJ or Phil Spector, that non-violent offenders are in jail for minutes before they get released. Then you get to hang out in your luxury home with a stylish ankle bracelet and do more roofies while you shave “Fuck You Judge!” into the side of your head for your next court visit.

Hard time, celebrity style.

Cash In – Now that you’ve got everyone’s attention, you need to pull the trigger and earn.

What would Lindsay Lohan do? It comes as no surprise to anyone, of course, that she chose to show off her rubbery, stretched out wizard-sleeve vagina for all the world to see in exchange for cash. Plus I’m pretty sure she had to blow Hef while stuffing a jalapeño up his ass, but I might be wrong about that. It could’ve been a poblano pepper.

For me, that’s going to be a bit more difficult since I’m even more vaginally challenged than LiLo, in that I don’t have one at all. So I think I’ll take another page out of Lindsay’s book and go to rehab. Everyone loves a survivor, and after 30 whole days in some luxury tennis club of a rehab with a name like Fresh Horizons, or New Beginnings, or Andy Dick’s House I’ll be able to come out and and pimp a book, appear all teary-eyed and thankful on talk shows, and subtly mock Barbara Walter’s speech impediment on the View.

Other things you are allowed to mock: Her age and that tablecloth around her neck.

And the best part about that is that when the money dries up, you just do it all over again. If people loved your success story once, they’ll love it even more when you fuck up and succeed again! Just ask Robert Downey Jr.!

Ok, so, thanks to Lindsay Lohan, I’m off to seek my fortune and fame. I just need to get a change of clothes from Gavin MacLeod’s house first.