I’ve Got Motherfucking Opinions
The problem with being an opinionative person is that no one asks you for opinions any more. And why would they? Anyone who knows you knows that it’s only a matter of time before you tell them how you feel about, say, Grape Nuts cereal, and so they can save their breath until you look up from the breakfast table one day and declare that Grape Nuts taste like a homeless guy just shit some kitty litter into a bowl full of gravel.
There is an exception to that rule, however, and that has to do with focus groups. Focus groups, for those of you who don’t know, are where great ideas go to die. Let’s say you have a wonderful idea for a remote control that learns from your habits and over time changes the channels for you without you having to do anything. Kick ass, right? Well before a large corporation is going to give you a shitload of money for that idea, they want to know if people actually like it. That makes sense. What they do next does not.
They grab a bunch of people with nothing better to do than sit in a room and give opinions about shit. I’m not saying that all of these people are fucking morons, but if they don’t have anything better to do than sit in a room and say, “I like Tide in a red box, not an orange one!” chances are they’re not turning down a lot of employment offers from NASA, if you catch my drift. And so your remote control idea doesn’t test well with these people, and the company gets rid of the TV aspect of it, adds an antenna and an MP3 player and calls it a Zune because a bunch of fucking hillbillies “like that there music thingie I’m hearin’ so much about”. The fucking Zune. That idea ranks right up there with Anal Coca-Cola.
If you want the most mediocre, middle-of-the-road product imaginable, then by all means, send it through a focus group. Every meal will be pizza, every store will be Wal-Mart, and every movie will be Jack & Jill. It’s good that not everything goes through a focus group. The world would not be a better place if Schindler’s List had vampires in it.
The reason I’m bringing all of this up is because of those fuckers with clipboards at the mall. You know who I’m talking about. They usually stand near escalators so they can size up people before they approach them. They represent the business interests of people who want to know what typical mall patrons (like emo kids and pederasts) think. They rarely ask you what you think about something, because you don’t fit their target demographic, which is another way of them telling you that you are lame.
And this is why I like to fuck with these people. First of all, a great thing to do when you see these people is maintain furious eye contact with them. Stare directly through their pupils and into their very souls, and do not stop. Don’t blink either. That freaks them out. Then march right up to them and say something like, “Say, there sure are a lot of products and services for sale here, aren’t there? Yes sir, I could go on and on all day long about how I feel about all of these products and services, how about you?” And if they are foolish enough to ask you if you’d like to make five bucks to answer ten minutes worth of questions, you step back and yell, “NO, I WILL NOT HAVE SEX WITH YOUR MOM WHILE YOU WATCH, YOU FUCKING PERVERT!”
Another fun thing you can do is stand next to them in total silence until they make their pitch. “Excuse me, ma’am. Would you like to make five dollars to answer some questions about consumer products for ten minutes?” Then you jump in and say, “Don’t do it, I’ll give you six bucks to walk away right now.” Or you can degrade the public’s general confidence in these people by holding your own impromptu focus groups. “On a scale of ‘ok’ to ‘you betcha’, will you have sex with a goat?” Spend enough time at the mall doing that, and people won’t be getting involved in focus groups. Of course, you may wind up in an involuntary focus group about the effectivity of tasers, but we all have to take one for the team once in a while, right?
The point here is that filtering every fucking decision past a great number of people only results in averaging out everyone’s opinions, and if you don’t think that’s a bad idea, just take a look at what kind of presidential nominees appeal to the average voter. What we need more of in this world are visionaries such as Steve Jobs, who knew that greatness was never achieved in a focus group, it was achieved in a meeting room where he yelled at people and called them dickless assholes.
And so to finally get to my point, that is why I called my boss a dickless asshole. I was trying to do something great. Some people take shit way too seriously.
This just made my morning. THANK YOU.
The bill is in the mail.
Focus groups and surveys are always fun, because a witty person will muck up the results.
One time I was in a focus group, and I started suggesting absurd, stupid ideas. 3 months later, Crystal Pepsi was born.
I bet you were the guy behind New Coke too, you bastard!
I LOVE OPINIONS! I will be back to read more of your opinions!
Your remote control idea is phenomenal and should be turned into reality. Don’t wait for the focus group.
Meh, it didn’t test well in my family, so I don’t get to spend the college fund ($14.23) to try to develop it.
I am not a fan of the knob in the turtle neck, but you are right in saying that he had the nads to say fuck you. And that is why Apple suddenly went from making no money to buying yachts for the mail room.
A homogeneous society is boring, the Internet can save us people… oh look a new cat video
Rusty, isn’t he wonderful everyone? Play him off, keyboard cat!
The people that produce and create the best just do what they like and don’t worry about others’ opinions of it.
You’re right. You can’t make everyone happy, so quit trying.
I tried not trying in college. Didn’t work. But I get your point.
Oh so funny! I really can’t stand those mall surveyors. Please, please don’t speak to me you waste of mall flesh. All I want is an Incredible Cookie and new underwear. Why are you even looking at me?
Because they want to know what you think about the cookie and how you look in the underwear. One of those is their job.
That coke bottle x-ray image reminds me of the stories my sister used to tell. After Med school she had to work as an ER Doctor at the free clinic in New Orleans.
She had to remove many foreign objects from anuses as well as cock rings from, well… swollen, engorged cocks.
Now she works in ER in St Louis and she recently had to pull a Pulp Fiction and jam a syringe into the heart of a guy who almost died from an overdose. His “friend” dropped him off in a pile outside the ER and screeched away.
Yep, I have a friend who is a doctor, and he’s got a treasure trove of “things-in-the-ass” stories. For instance, he got his degree in Iowa, and apparently lots of people put light bulbs in their ass over there. When the light bulb breaks, however, the poor sap realizes that he’s going to be the butt (ha!) of jokes in his community, so he hops in the truck and drives to the big city where he will be anonymous and where my friend would then have to deal with removing glass from this dude’s shitter. He said it happened all the time.