I Will Destroy My Family
Every March, I roll up my sleeves, get to work, and really put a fucking hurting on my family. I mean, I fucking whomp on ’em. Take no prisoners, give no quarter, and mercy is for the weak, that’s what I say. When I get through destroying my family, they will wish that they had never been born. I’m speaking, of course, about our family NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament pool. This is serious fucking business.
Our yearly family tradition started back in 2002, when my wife and I first started dating. It was cute. I patiently explained what the seeds meant, what kind of thing to look for when you pick a winner, and how to sprinkle in upsets intelligently in order to give your bracket the best chance of winning. Then my wife would pick her teams based on uniform color, and I would fucking massacre her. I mean, blow her out of the water. And then let her know all about it.
Several months later, after my bones healed, I decided that this yearly tradition would be better served if it was a little more competitive. And so I pointed my wife to some online guides, and she decided to let people she worked with make her picks for her. Soon, we included my daughter, who started the kid’s yearly tradition of picking the team with the funnier sounding name, with the winner invariably being a team with a name like Butler. “Butt-ler? Hahaha! Go Butt-ler!”
Now putting together brackets is a total blast, punctuated by giggles, chuckles, laughing fits, and me asking, “Are you a fucking moron, or what?” Here, for instance, are my three year old’s picks to make the Final Four.
- Norfolk State
- Loyola (MD)
Yeah, lotsa luck with that, Special K. My five year old, has the most reasonable bracket because he thinks the word “Duke” is funny, but he also has LIU-Brooklyn and UNC Asheville in there. My daughter has Harvard winning it all. My wife, however, has started to become a factor. Last year I needed a miracle Elite Eight run by Arizona to pluck victory out of the ashes of defeat, and the year before that I actually lost.
This year, I am taking no chances. I’ve been walking around for the past few months, subtly shifting the field in my favor. “Say,” I’ll remark in the middle of dinner, “Have you been watching college hoops at all? Man, Belmont looks unstoppable!” Or I’ll roll over at 3:00 AM in the morning and chant “You will pick St. Bonaventure to win it all” over and over for two hours as my wife snores softly.
This, I’m confident, will all but guarantee my victory, which in turn grants me the right to act like a know-it-all dickhead for the next twelve months. It will be fucking sweet, like the Sweet Sixteen.
Would Mrs. Dogs interject and say “oh NOW you’ll START acting like a know-it-all dickhead? Good one” 😉
I think your three year old has a decent system actually. You don’t know that he isn’t playing you too. Norfolk State all the way baby?
I don’t even know what I’m talking about. You could just make up schools at this point and I would say hey they might have a shot.
How do you think the Cubs are gonna do?
Well I think they have challenges ahead of them. For example, none of them seem that good at playing basketball.
And Wrigley field, while beautiful, is probably going to make those jump shots harder. With the dirt and all.
(as a former Chicagoan, I love this exchange.)
I told my students about what Dogs said and they wanted me to reply:
“The Cubs? That’s a hockey team, right?”
My students (college) had been talking about brackets when I walked in.
“ENOUGH WITH THE BRACKETS!”
Don’t listen to Pish, red. She doesn’t like Reubens, so she’s clearly delusional. (And her students sound like thay’ve been drinking lead based paint.)
Did you see them try to play baseball last year? They weren’t much better.
I’m glad to see you have a healthy role model.
And how did you get that picture of my ass?
Ha, that’s a trick ass. It’s actually seven midgets in a pair of sweat pants.
So, *ahem* what are your picks?
Oh, sure, try to scam off of me! I’ll release my picks after the tourney has really started (I don’t really count the shit teams that have to play in on Tuesday and Wednesday).
I always participated in those brackets in high school, but since I don’t follow sports, they always took my money.
Smart gamblers will take advantage of that every time.
Why is there more emphasis on collage basketball than the NBA?
Because, unlike the NBA, NCAA basketball actually enforces the rules and doesn’t give breaks to superstars to sell the game. Also, the NBA gets 6 fouls instead of 5, and you can walk from Tierra del Fuego to Moscow without getting called for traveling.
In addition, NBA players are the biggest collection of self-centered, whiny, entitled fuck-heads you could ever imagine.
Other than that, the NBA is fine, though.
Ok Mr. Smarty Pants- it’s ON. If I win you will write a beautiful masterpiece about how I whooped your booty! But hey it’s all in good fun…. right? I have a feeling it’s going to get ugly around here!
Whooped your booty? Such language.
She’s making up for your rated “R” with her rated “G”. I subconsciously do it everyday.
I can see that. She does the same with our kids.
I’m done with sports after the Superbowl until the next fall.
But enjoy your brackets! We used to have an office March madness pool, and so I heard a lot about it.
Wait, after March Madness, we have the Stanley Cup playoffs! Woo-hoo! God, playoff hockey rules.