The Week In Review

chow

I recently ran across a video which detailed the last meals of various prisoners who were executed. As you would expect, there were a lot of requests for odd things. One guy asked for a single olive. Another guy, a serial killer, requested “a lump of dirt”, which the prison denied on the grounds that… Actually, now that I think about it, I have no idea why anyone would deny that request. I could understand if the guy had asked for, say, a bowl of razor blades. I mean, you’d hate to go through the trouble of organizing an execution and then have this jerk off himself ahead of time. But what’s he going to do with a lump of dirt?

The one last meal that made me laugh was a request for a steak, some fried chicken, sugar-free pecan-pie, and sugar-free ice cream. Sugar-free? What are you, watching your fucking figure or something? They’re about to pump this guy full of lethal chemicals, and he’s counting calories. I’d take the opposite approach: I’d ask for every unhealthy thing under the sun.

Greg’s Final Meal Request

  • One 64 ounce steak, rare
  • Eggs, undercooked
  • One bowl of quaaludes
  • One carton of cigarettes soaked in butter
  • Anything from Arby’s
  • A hypodermic syringe and a gallon of sour cream
  • A gravy boat full of heroin

What the fuck, right? You don’t have to worry about getting hooked, so why not try heroin? Also, I used to smoke, and let me tell you, if I ever found out that I was guaranteed to die of something other than lung cancer, I would be chain smoking non-stop, even while sleeping. “Hey, don’t you think you should lay off the smoking a little bit? I don’t think I’ve ever seen someone smoke an entire pack at once.” “Hey, the Surgeon General has determined that you should shut the fuck up! Now pass me that lighter, padre.”

Oh, and can you pass me six ashtrays too?

Oh, and can you pass me six ashtrays too?

In general, I think executions are too somber. I base this statement entirely upon having watched Dead Man Walking, which was extremely deficient in the laughs department. I know it’s a serious moment, and there is a lot of soul searching and reflection going on, but would it kill you to include a pratfall or something? Maybe a whoopee cushion in the execution chamber? Anyway, when someone comes along and clearly wants to have a little fun with the process, I think they should reward him for making everyone’s jobs a little more light-hearted. “You want a lump of dirt? You know what? You can have two.”

On to the week you missed because you were busy making some prison hooch:

Tonight, I’m proud to announce that we have a new sponsor that isn’t paying us money, or is even aware that this is going on. It’s Involuntary Advertising, and this time it’s for the ladies:

Ever try three at once? Oh yeah you have, admit it you little trollop.

Ever try three at once? Oh yeah you have, admit it you little trollop.

On to our weekly poll, this one hotly contested:

Which of the following federal programs would, if offered, make you vote in favor of a ten percent tax increase?

  • The Whip Carrot Top Until He Cries Like a little Girl Program (28%, 5 Votes)
  • The Get Out Of Jail Free Card Program (22%, 4 Votes)
  • The Free Cheese Fridays Program (17%, 3 Votes)
  • The NSDFK (Nuke South Dakota For Kicks) Program (17%, 3 Votes)
  • The Change the Name of the Month August to Balls Hot Program (17%, 3 Votes)

Total Voters: 18

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As you can see, people would put up with a ten percent increase in taxes if it resulted in Carrot Top being whipped until he cries like a little girl. But we won’t vote for a tax to fund education programs. This is because we have our priorities straight. I am, however, upset that it looks like we don’t have the support yet to rename the month of August and change it to Balls Hot. How awesome would that be? “My birthday? Oh, I was born on Balls Hot 14th.” “Oh yeah? My brother was born on Balls Hot 15th!” “Hahaha, all the cool birthdays are in Balls Hot.” Awesome.

It’s a brand new week, people. And once you start using it, there are no returns. So enjoy.

14 Responses to “The Week In Review”

  1. Lorca Damon says:

    My birthday is on Balls Hot 28th. You may send me a card. Or a fan.

  2. Vesta Vayne says:

    You know, I’m curious to see what sort of screwed up search terms lead people to this particular post in the future. You’re definitely gonna have to update us!

    • Greg says:

      You’re going to want to sit down for this, Vesta. Here are the top 5 search terms that resulted in landing on my website (excluding variants of Dogs On Drugs):

      1. African ass
      2. Fun things to do on crutches
      3. Vesta Vayne
      4. Crack whores
      5. Fuck Santorum

      No lie.

      • Vesta Vayne says:

        BWAHAHAHA! Not what I was expecting, that’s hilarious.

        Wait, maybe I shouldn’t laugh about being on a list with crack whores.

        • Pish Posh says:

          I think it’s way worse to be on a list with Santorum, except that this one is apparently against him, unless they are attracted to him..

          My last meal would be beer and cigarettes, there is no question of that. But that would be AFTER a nice Indian meal and baked potatoes, and a slice of cherry/lime pie and BEFORE my needle of methamphetamines. Oh man this makes me want to get on Death Row right now. Shit, what I gotta do?

        • Greg says:

          I think we should get you a plaque that reads: Vesta Vayne beats crack whores!

  3. Heather says:

    Your pictures are going to be the death of me. So funny.
    I was looking at my “recent search terms” today too. Weird weird weird.
    Cream jugs?!
    Horses Urinating!?!

    • Greg says:

      Yeah, I get a lot of bestiality results. This, I’m sure, is a result of my penchant for saying things “gargle donkey balls” when I don’t like them.

  4. Rusty says:

    I was sure NSDFK was going to get across the line, and I have never been to the United States.

    What if part of the tax was to send Carrot Top there?

    I would go nuts for my last meal, especially if I had a nut allergy.

    But that gravy boat does sound good. I never tried hard core drugs. Its not like my heath will deteriorate.

  5. Brett Minor says:

    I have missed a lot of posts in the last week. I guess this was one of them. Very odd that we both write on last meals in the same week.

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